How did your marriage survive early parenthood?

[pegsworth]

I have a 2-year old and my marriage has been steadily getting worse since DD's birth. We have no time for each other, and no family nearby to help out. DD is very demanding and a bad sleeper, which means we're both usually exhausted once she's gone to bed, and go to bed shortly thereafter. I find DH snappy and tense, and maybe internalise this more than I should, and feel like it's my fault and I'm doing something wrong.

I have tried to discuss this with DH. Half the time, he will vow to make an effort and things are good for a few days. The other half, it escalates into an argument and I get very upset. I don't feel he really acknowledges or agrees with/understands what I feel. I then feel very alone and emotionally detached from him. This scares me, as it shouldn't be like this, how will we manage the next 50+ years?

Are there ways to address this that I'm missing? How do other parents do it? Am I being too sensitive and taking the snapping too personally? I really miss DH and feel very sad. Thank you

Bump

We have gone through bad periods. You're not alone - children put the most enormous strain on marriages and the most common time to split up is when your child is 2 years old I believe.

Things got a lot better for us, both times, when we sleep trained and then when I stopped breastfeeding. Just being able to have a bit of space, going out separately, and having our evenings free helped so much. We also had to acknowledge how snappy we were with each other, the more tired we are the worse it gets. So whilst my natural tendency is to argue back, if I know he is really tired now, I try and let it go and talk to him about it another time.
I think it is important to have time together without the kids. For is it's hard as parents dont live nearby (one set in another country, one an hour away), and it feels cheeky asking for parents to visit and babysit so we can go out when they help us so much with other things (such as childcare when we or the kids are ill or have to go away for work). We have used a babysitter once and are going to try and use them a bit more next year so our children (2 and 4) get used to it. We also were having a bit if disconnect in our sex life, I think he wasnt being affectionate with me because of lack of intimacy and I wasnt being intimate with him because of lack of affection. It was weird at first but we kind of needed to break the cycle so kind of forced ourselves to be more affectionate and now it all feels natural again, and I don't feel touched out from breastfeeding etc.

My eldest got a lot easier when she was around 3 so I'm hoping the same happens again with my youngest, we realised spending time with her was more fun and less hard work and this made quite a lot of difference to our overall moods (eg it's quite hard to be positive and caring to your partner after a massive toddler tantrum about putting on shoes or coat or car seat, it's a lot easier when they can play by themselves for a bit or you can all play a board game together that you all enjoy).

Sorry no paragraphs

Woukd you consider counselling together to improve the communication together?

Thank you oohthestatsdontlie that's really helpful.

We did have counselling together, briefly, before having DD. DH was very defensive and the experience felt counterproductive. Perhaps I should have some therapy on my own to build on my resilience so I don't take things to heart so much?

Having a baby can cause such a strain on a relationship. We had a tough time adjusting at the start, high needs reflux baby and DH back to shift work meant we were knackered all the time and argued quite a bit. But I would ultimately say that tackling the sleep deprivation (which is massively underestimated) and sleep training our son did the most at rectifying things. Don't know if you've looked at any methods that might help your DD sleep a bit better? Once DS slept through fairly reliably and we got our evenings back and things kind of 'went back to normal'. DS was also happier when we sorted his sleeping out so that helped too. You could also speak with your dr if your mood is low generally!

Is there anything you can do about the sleep? I appreciate you've probably tried a lot but it seems like getting a good night's sleep and having time in the evening for each other would take a lot of the pressure off.

My word, our DD coming up for 2 and I could've written this post myself. I'm sorry I don't have the answer but you're certainly not alone. We also struggle with no help nearby and both work full time. Comforting to know it may get better

It's bloody hard.

I am sure you both feel very similar and I can only suggest that you really lay things out. I think sometimes men think that we don't miss our earlier lives, that we don't want sex again, don't want to be well-rested and spend an evening with them being in a loving and sexy relationship with them, that is only them that feels that way.

My only suggestion is that talk, talk, talk. Say it all. And be as calm as possible.

It can really be a stabilising experience in a relationship when a tiny human that you invited in starts to divide you. There is no magic solution that I know of, other than sleep really does help so much! If there's a way you can book a night or two away together? And if so, book somewhere close by, a hotel with a pool/spa if you can but bascially one where you can stay in the room, watch crap TV in bed together, sleep and do nothing else than sort of 'heal' together. The lack of sleep is awful and really has a bigger impact than people appreciate. I say this as someone with a DC who didn't sleep for many years.

If you can't get away, then see if can get a babysitter in the day time and just lie on the sofa together or go to bed and sleep and sleep.

And if you can't manage that, can you both take a day off work (if child is in nursery)? Basically you need to give each other some attention. Bloody hard with a child that doesn't sleep, especially after two years.

Remember to greet each other every day - good morning and hello with a quick kiss/hug after work. Little things make a big difference. Snuggle on the sofa for half an hour before bed. When you are so tired it's really easy to go to bed as early as possible, however, you also need that time together, even if a couple of times a week. Tell him that you want to spend some time with him, tell him you love him, hug and cuddle him and tell him how much you love that he is there as it's really hard and you're glad you have each other to get through it.

Sleep - I could write paragraphs on what we've tried! We've done all sorts of sleep training, and have had to harden ourselves to crying. It's got better slowly over time, but nowhere near sleeping through.

I'm really reassured to hear others have had this too and just rode it out. I'm pregnant again too and perhaps my hormones are making things seem worse than they are.

*destabilising

nonews that is such a thoughtful and kind response, I welled you reading it. Thank you

We are in the same position and the best advice I can give is to think of this phase as a "season". When you're married you are in it for the long haul, so your marriage is bound to have different seasons. This one is quite possibly the worst, lack of sleep, toddler tantrums, zero time for each other, zero time for yourself, childcare fees, money worries..... I could go on!
Just know that this will eventually pass and you will emerge into a different season of life that will bring its own challenges but having got through one of the worst ( so many don't ) you will be better equipped to face these challenges together

tiredtrumpet thank you, I love that - seasons. It's a really helpful way to think of it

I too could have written this post. For these reasons,mainly the sleep deprivation, I think DS will be an only. I'm hoping me and DH will get closer as DS gets older and sleeps better.

We are in the same boat and so are most of my friends with DC from 1-2ish. Some are also pregnant with DC2 already. I felt so unsupported by DH when pregnant and in the newborn days that I've struggled to move on. Individual and couples counselling has helped as had radical honesty and factually naming behaviour rather than bickering. I've said to DH that these are the hard years. Yes at 40 maybe his parents could go away for holidays together but they had teens and we have a baby. It's not the same and expectations need to adjust to

We had a very hard time after DS’ birth.

We still don’t have the time to work on our relationship re datenights etc. but we are doing our bests to help each other, to be patient and kind and trying to have some sort of sex life.

We’re not back to where we were but we are determined to not let each other go.

I will visit my family for a month from january in my home country with DS and DH will stay for a few days and then fly back. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder so I hope those 3 weeks apart can make DH realize that he misses me, as I feel lately he’s starting to take me for granted (lots of complaining about silly things like folding his laundry when it wasn’t dry enough yet - I’m a SAHM and he works- but no acknowledgement for the things I contribute to our family).

For us we spoke about it and agreed that we were in our marriage for the long haul, and that we could both hunker down and ride out this hard bit. We very much separated our lives really; I was on maternity leave and so was responsible for the kids, then my job and the kids, while he was responsible for his job and the bigger house/garden things (and the bins!). Every few months it would get to me and we'd have the same "just keep going" conversation and then hunker down again.

For us, things got massively better when our twins turned three. A year of respite and then we had DC3 and hunkered down again. By the time DC3 was about 3 things got easier again and we found our rhythm as a family. I'm now expecting DC4 and I suspect there'll be another period of hunkering down.

It important to keep the long term in mind, and keep some perspective I think. When he annoys you, start from "will I divorce him over this" and work back to a proportionate response instead of trying to resolve all niggles. Don't look to him to be perfect or make you happy; figure out ways to make your own life better and I'll bet he will too and the joint life will consequently lift.

Good luck

There is a book called ‘how not to hate your husband after having kids’ that I found useful.
I think things with small children are hard work. Lack of sleep makes everything horrible.
We build up to bad periods and then agree to stop with the snapping and taking things too sensitively and just agree to be nice to each other. You have to make a real effort but it does help.

DC hasn't slept through the night in 4 years but for us because we are both working full time and both knackered then at least we feel like we are both sharing the pain and neither of us gets cross of one of us asleep on the sofa by 8pm! - I think it would be very different if one of us didn't work - I never knew sleep envy was a thing before I became a parent and now it makes me murderous 🤣🤣

We are both of the opinion though that this won't last - we've had a terrible time trying to conceive again - multiple miscarriages 2 near fatal ectopics and now permanently infertile and just about to start round 3 of IVF - this has very much changed our outlook on the things. Where before we we would begrudge the effect our child had on our marriage now we treasure it - we know this may be our only experience of having a young child now and it will be over before we know it (and before we are ready for it!) - in a couple of years we'll have a sleep back (and our money!)

It is really hard. We had 3 children under 18months (DD1 and DD2 &DD3 who are twins), no relatives close enough to babysit, couldn’t afford a baby sitter. We barely had any time for eachother, it was just a question of getting through each day and night. Eventually the fog started to clear when I was diagnosed with PND and got some help, and then when girls started preschool. We did try counselling by Relate which I think helped us to communicate better, and realise we were in this together for the long haul. The pressure of having small children does ease off and it will get easier.

Hi OP - Its such a difficult and testing time. I could have written your post over 20 years ago. All I can say is we muddled through, me sullen and resentful and depressed and my husband certainly the first two. Its been a long road, not without a few almost-splits but we got through it and are reaping the rewards of watching our great kids become adults and us having a stable marriage and an almost empty nest. What you married your husband for and the things you loved about him haven't gone away, you just have bigger (or littler, baby sized) fish to fry. Try not to lose complete sight of that (easier said than done) and see it a phase you'll get through. Perhaps explain to him how much you need to work together in order to come out the other side of this intact and that you want to come out of this intact. He's probably as disheartened by it all as you. I think sometimes the husbands aren't as good at expressing it.

For us, it wasn't sleep deprivation, ds1 slept through the night from six weeks, and even before that had put himself on the "traditional" 2/6/10/12 o'clock schedule.

Our extra stress came from me unexpectedly losing my job, having to rearrange the mortgage we had just applied for to buy the house we had committed to (Scotland, we couldn't back out), then having to pay said mortgage without my income. And me unexpectedly becoming sahm, though I took on self-employed work I could do at home. And a touch of pnd, I think, I certainly recall sobbing in the corner at least once. His life just seemed to carry on as normal, mine was upside down, and we didn't really communicate.

It came to a head my second Mother's Day, when dh hadn't done anything for it. Ds1 was about 14 months. When I spoke to him, he said I wasn't his mother so he hadn't thought about it... he didn't mean it badly, but I was beyond furious, hurt that he thought so little of me... I walked out of the house in floods of tears, quite determined to leave the pair of them.

It was a brisk day for a seaside walk, but the fresh air calmed my mood, and I returned within half an hour or so. He apologised (he's a good guy really) and we talked. I'm not going to say it's all been plain sailing since, there was one spectacular row on his birthday about a year later, but we're still together after 35 years (and ds2).

Communication really is the key, doing things together as a family is nice but by god I needed "me time". I hadn't realised myself how much I needed to be "me" and not just "ds' mum" so I could hardly blame him for not knowing. I took up motorcycling after ds2, something I had long wanted but thought I couldn't. Totally transformed my life, and ultimately brought us closer too.

You’ve had some good advice from pp. How often is your DH ‘snappy’ towards you? Does he say nasty things? Hopefully, he isn’t a horrible person but you don’t deserve to be treated badly (nobody does!). Does he ever apologise afterwards?

Not my post but really helpful advice here. Helps put things into perspective

Do you each get a break and some time to yourselves? I found that making sure the load was equitably shared was really key. We both worked. Dh dropped off and collected from nursery (and now school) too. We both had weekends away (I take 4 days a year on holiday by myself, and dh also has time away). So our batteries aren’t completely drained.

Then making time for each other is key. We stay up late and have dinner together Friday and Saturday. It doesn’t matter if we’ll be tired and have to wake up at 6. We took turns having a lie in depending on who was up most during the night.

From 2, we got a babysitter. We had dinner out once a month. Our dc have survived having us out of the house one night a month. When that wasn’t possible, we used annual leave to make time for day trips or a long boozy lunch out while dc were in school/nursery.

You also both just need to accept that it’s a hard phase in life and you need to stick together. You just can’t be jerks to each other most of the time.