How did your marriage survive early parenthood?

[pegsworth]

I have a 2-year old and my marriage has been steadily getting worse since DD's birth. We have no time for each other, and no family nearby to help out. DD is very demanding and a bad sleeper, which means we're both usually exhausted once she's gone to bed, and go to bed shortly thereafter. I find DH snappy and tense, and maybe internalise this more than I should, and feel like it's my fault and I'm doing something wrong.

I have tried to discuss this with DH. Half the time, he will vow to make an effort and things are good for a few days. The other half, it escalates into an argument and I get very upset. I don't feel he really acknowledges or agrees with/understands what I feel. I then feel very alone and emotionally detached from him. This scares me, as it shouldn't be like this, how will we manage the next 50+ years?

Are there ways to address this that I'm missing? How do other parents do it? Am I being too sensitive and taking the snapping too personally? I really miss DH and feel very sad. Thank you

Dh understood this a years and possibly even more years hiatus. Not a "everything needs to get back to normal within months" hiatus.

He was also happy with snatched moments of "date time" ie 20 mins before 8.30pm and therefore bedtime was "date time". "Datetime" meant sitting slumped and exhausted next to each other in tired silence for several years.

No babysitters or family here so no dates or time together out until about 4 or 5 years into it. But it was fine.

Thank you everyone for your experiences and advice. I really appreciate every single post and feel a lot more positive.

mindutopia he's not horrible at all, he's just snappy in terms of his tone. We normally speak very kindly and nicely to each other, and I'm probably on the more sensitive end of the scale, so I take shortness rather personally.

Sorry that reply was to locks

mindutopia we don't get much time to ourselves, except in the evening after DD bedtime and before ours, when we'd each have some phone/reading/work time. I think we'd both like some time pursuing our own respective hobbies, but time is a luxury at the moment. We have taken the odd day off together before and it was lovely, so we must do that again.

Another problem is around lack of intimacy. I feel like I have to 'remind' DH to have sex sometimes, which makes my self esteem plummet, and destroys intimacy. I've spoken to him about this before, and he reminds me sex isn't the only way to show love and attraction, and that he's often so tired it affects his sex drive. I understand that, I do, but it still hurts.

Name change fail! Never mind

We muddled through. Ours were awful sleepers and that was hard. They wouldn't settle well in the evening so it was hard to go out for a drink/ dinner/ cinema or even to sit uninterrupted on the sofa to have some time as a couple. My mum would have them for a couple of hours midday every six months or so and we would go out for lunch - which was cheaper than dinner too- and we were less tired then and could talk properly. Once youngest was about three we would leave them with my mum overnight once a year and have twenty four hours away. That would sustain us for a while.
Children are now teenagers and we're still together. And happy 😀 (It helps that he really is a lovely husband and I find him interesting to talk with, plus he can make me laugh like no one else can.) I hope things improve for you OP. "This too will pass" has always been my motto for difficult times.

Similar to other posters, I think we have both just accepted that the early years are hard and we are just planning to ride it out.

We have no family nearby and don’t like to “put on” friends. Our DD1 is 2.5 and it’s getting lots easier, but now we have another on the way, very much planned and wanted!, but we have that feeling of “hold on tight, see you on the other side”.

As others have said, think long term.

For now things that could help are:

• plan an “at home” date one night when dd is in bed - eg watch a movie, have a nice dinner, cocktails, whatever
• have some separate evenings out . This has helped us a lot with the “daily grind” feeling and gives us things to talk about! We each do a hobby or see friends one or two nights a week
• try and keep the humour going. We laugh about such daft things everyday and that keeps our connection I think
• let the little things go, talk through the big things

You can do it, just make sure you’re both on the same page and don’t give each other a hard time - you’re both on the same team!

I was really worried about my marriage when DS had just turned 2. It had steadily got worse between us and I'd considered a break a couple of times. Since then it has steadily got better. I think we both realised that the arguments were mostly caused by us adjusting to big changes and differences of opinion in terms of parenting. We still have the odd argument but we've learned to speak to each other more kindly and take a step back. Most importantly we made a pact not to argue in front of DS, or if it was unavoidable, to make sure he knew when we had resolved it and know that adults say sorry to each other too. I hope you can talk things through and get through it. X

thank you for the replies - such good advice.

sewingbea 'this too will pass' has been a useful mantra for so many things since DD was born.

bobbin absolutely re not arguing in front of DD - I hated my parents arguing as a child (and still do when it happens!), I'd hate for DD to feel the same sadness.

It is hard, just got to try and stick together and understand its hard for both of you. Sometimes I just need my husband to appreciate me a bit more and let me know he understands i do a lot and i am tired.
My youngest is nearly 2 and doesn't sleep through it is awful but I know it will get a bit better soon when she understands more. My eldest is 4 and wasnt a great sleeper either but she is now. She can go to sleep on her own and doesn't wake. Makes a big difference. Would be easy if we just had 1!!