Desperately need advice before i destroy myself

[Robbie316uk]

Hi this could be quite a long one.
I was with my ex fiancé for just under 5 years, we had 2 kids together and she had one from a previous relationship I am 31 she is 27, we had a life together, house, Bills, joint stuff everywhere etc when one night at the end of may she turned round and said it was over, it hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere but it was my fault, I didn’t notice the signs, I worked a lot and didn’t do as much as I should have done at home, I did under appreciate her and everything she did I admit that. I looked to my friends for support and one of my best who was like a younger brother who is 20 seemed so keen to help, a few days later I found out they were now together, I cut off contact, I hated them both because they did nothing but lie about it until they were caught out by me in my bed when I went round to drop off the kids coats, fast forward to 2 weeks ago, me and the ex had been talking and getting on as much as we can when after watching our daughter in her nativity she kissed me and said she has some thinking to do, the next day more kissing, more passion and she said she has decided she wants to give us another go. I will add in the 6 months I have chased her, I barely sleep, I have lost 5 stone in weight because I don’t eat as my brain puts them 2 together and it makes me physically sick. She ends up dumping him, saying we are gonna do us for awhile, how much she regrets what she did, she knows it was wrong etc etc.....fast forward 2 days she has kicked him out, I am round her house, it’s the kids bedtime I offer to put them to bed but because daddy is there they are excited, I read them stories like I do when I have them they still are awake, she comes up and says why aren’t they asleep yet I turned round and said “I don’t know they just won’t seem to settle” and with that she turned, told me to leave, she needed space, the next day she said she couldn’t do it, she was taking him back, she felt like nothing had changed with me.....now she has found herself in a problem, she is late on all her bills because he hadn’t been turning up for work and so didn’t get paid, I still want to give us a go but she says she doesn’t know where her head is at, I have offered to help her out of the mess she is in but she says it isn’t about the money and she will find a way, I have a professional job so do ok and him at 20 has no qualifications and works at a leisure centre. I feel like the back up option but I also feel like she has me exactly where she wants me, she says she loves me and loves him and doesn’t want to choose but is with him every night and refuses to even see me right now as she needs space and I don’t understand, it is causing me untold pain but I still love her like I always have....

Just to add she has also got herself back on weed, back smoking and hanging around with people who do the same, when we were going to get back together I accepted all of that but she said she felt like nothing would change....she didn’t even give me the chance and that’s what hurts because I only need one, I quit my job to have one closer, I gave up pretty much everything I did outside of the relationship but it seems she is happy to keep me as option B

First: a big hug. Hang in there. I’ve been there too.

Second: get to chumplady.com and read her recent “why can’t I trust that she sucks”? post from a couple of days ago. The situation fits yours too a tee and her advice to the guy is better than anything I could write myself.

You need to end this now, which will be really hard but you need to protect yourself. If you continue to let her treat you this way then she will continue to do it, like you say she has you were she wants you and doesnt think that you will walk away. You deserve better

She is chaotic, she is unstable and unreliable. She wanted the kids in bed so she could get attention, it's all about her and her short term needs.

She wanted the bills paid but she wanted you at home to do the hard graft, because it's all about her and her short term needs.

She wanted him because he met her need for attention, but he couldn't pay the bills.

She wants weed and attention to meet her short term needs. But she can't pay the bills.

She needs an adult to adult for her, but that's not then meeting her need for excitement or attention.

You can't win, neither can he and she certainly won't.

You've children together I'd seriously consider going for sole custody before her chaotic life choices really damage them.

Please stop letting her treat you like this.
Take back control of your life.
She is treating you appallingly!
Take the option away.
No-one deserves to be someone else's back up.
'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option'
She thought the grass was greener.
It's not.
Ahhhh... poor her, in love with 2 men - boo-fucking-hoo!
Stop being her doormat.
She already has no respect for you. This is just making it worse.
Being needy and available all the time is very unattractive.
Trust me on that!

I want to try and move away, I even did briefly and even then she still got involved, I just love her and I can’t fight it, I have tried and tried and tried and yet my thoughts always come back to her, she still messages me and I still smile when I get them, but she posts pictures of her and him on Facebook with the love of my life and he got to be at my sons birthday and I didn’t and the hate takes over but it goes and the damn love stays there, my mates have said I deserve better, everyone seems to say it but she has me so convinced in my own head that this is 100% my fault that I feel the need to make up for it

I whole heartedly believe you cannot be in love with two people at once. Most likely she is having her cake and eating it.

Draw a line under the relationship and move on.

Your focus here should be removing your children from an environment where drug abuse is taking place.

You are not in love with her , but you are addicted to her.

She sounds personality disordered and she will have trauma bonded you to her. So you are literally getting a cocaine high off of seeing her and her FB posts.

You need to detox her out of your life.
Don’t look at her social media, block and delete.

She is using intermittent reinforcement to get you addicted to her. Nice sometimes, and a bitch the rest and you are hanging onto the lovely times, but you are getting more bitch than nice times.

You need to get your children away from this weed smoking 🚬, trainwreck of a person.

Get advice on getting sole custody of them.

Start laying down boundaries and seeing her for what she truly is, a toxic manipulator. Look up Cluster b personality disorders and see if she fits the criteria of a narcissist/sociopath/psychopath/histrionic or borderline.

Knowledge is power with dealing with personality disordered role.

Good luck!💐

Don’t destroy yourself over this insignificant woman, that uses men.

Look at why you are drawn to her?

Does she remind you of your mum or sister?

We usually try to mend our unmet needs in childhood by being with someone who reminded us of a parent or sibling.

You deserve better and you need to drop her out of your life and move on.

It will not be easy, but don’t be a doormat, take control, grey rock her.

Believe in yourself more. Go for custody before the children get destroyed by her sleeping around with anyone.

Yes there is a much bigger picture at play here as PP has said. Addiction, possible PD, MH issues, histrionics, trauma bonding.

It’s a right big hot mess.

You need to educate yourself on all of the above so that you can save your children from this chaos. They are being emotionally neglected in this chaotic household. They will be absorbing all of the unpredictability and stress. They will internalise it but don’t understand it so will develop anxiety and behavioural problems in childhood which become significant MH issues as teens.

Your focus is to focus on your DC.

Forget about any RS with your ex, read up on all of the above issues and seek support for yourself so that you can be the stable consistent adult in their lives.

Role=people *

One of the problems I get is she paints me as a bad parent, I get up before 6 to go to work and don’t get back till gone 6...but because he is available to do school drop offs and pick ups as he doesn’t even work full time that gets points, I was stupid enough to buy her a Christmas present while we seemed to be getting back and now I am scared of giving her it because I am afraid she will pawn it, I had an hour long conversation with her today where she said despite her financial problems (20k debt since we split) and her current stress where she is over £800 short this month.....she is happy...he makes her feel good as if I never did, she has told me I can’t talk to her about my feelings and she is willing to talk as friends, if I back off she will think about getting back with me back cannot make any promises, she isn’t convinced I have changed but won’t give me the chance now to show her I have. I don’t know what draws me too her, maybe it’s the sense of family I haven’t ever felt more for someone in my life I know that...but so does she, we shared everything together and our relationship (physical and emotional) was fairly varied shall we say. I am not the best looking guy and the attention she showed me during our relationship made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world....now I would give up everything for a chance at that again.....it does feel like an addiction and it is 10% nice and 90% bitch but the nice makes me happy and I haven’t been happy since this started....I have been in a bad place for along time and the other weekend where it felt we were getting back made me feel so good and now I am back where I was

You need to work on your self esteem.
You have lost a big amount of weight, you are hard working, you are a stable influence on your children.

You are also coming across as a nice guy on your thread.

I don’t want to sound patronising but you are doing a good job.

You need to fight the addictive nature of this ‘relationship ‘.

She is playing you.

Look at some YouTube videos on relationships by Matthew Hussey, Alex Cormont, Susan Winters.

Check out Inner integration, Sarah Speaks, Surviving narcissism, Richard Grannon.

You need to stay strong. Maybe you should look into dating.
Get your hair cut, new clothes, new you.

Then look into custody of your children. Stay strong. Think of her as an addiction you have to kick.
That means replacing her with something else.

There are other women out there who will find you adorable, and they will have a kind heart, like you.

Stay strong!

I had an hour long conversation with her today where she said despite her financial problems (20k debt since we split) and her current stress where she is over £800 short this month.....she is happy

Of course she is. She's having her cake and eating it. Everyone's sacrificing everything to meet her "needs" (including the other guy) whilst she sacrifices...

...oh, what was that? Stuff all? Exactly. Everyone's bailing her out.

Of course she's bloody happy.

What about you, OP? Are you happy with this state of affairs? She bangs on about her needs - what about yours? If the shoe were on the other foot would you behave like this? Or would you think it was, quite frankly, a shitty thing to do?

Relationships are a two-way street. This woman is, at best a narcissist gaming the relationship for her advantage and at worst a sociopath. Either way this is emotional abuse. I don't use that term lightly, but its true: you are absolutely a victim of emotional abuse here.

Get out. Go cold turkey. Get therapy. Send this post to ChumpLady if need be. You need to see the wood for trees, but that'll only happen when you remove yourself from her influence. Tell her you need space to work things out if need be. If she can demand that on tap she can't begrudge you the same. And the only way her and the other guy will fall apart is if you step away - whilst you're there giving her what he doesn't give her she has no need to change things. And she won't.

Your kids need you to put them first, before your need of them. The right thing to do is get custody of them and concentrate on making them stable through a stable home life without her in it.

Of them - of her

You need to grow up and think about your kids. They are with a clearly unstable mother, who is on weed. And is spending l it if control that would only end up in tears.
Add to that a bf who was a teenager just yesterday - and she brought him into her kids lives. He won’t stick around, btw - at 20 being a stepfather to 3 kids isn’t fun.
He’ll leave, probably after she gives birth to her 4th child, and as unstable as she seems to be - she’ll probably do just that.

Anyway - if you have a family and/or resources - I’d really try to at least fight for 50% custody of your kids. You need to provide some normality in their lives as she isn’t doing that.

And hope you meet someone else, who will be better for you.

I can’t get anymore custody because of my work hours it just isn’t possible and she knows this, she has again told me tonight that she wants to move on with her life now with this guy but expects me to pick up all joint debts as she doesn’t have the money, but i can’t not pay as it affects me too....she needs to pay me £400 for her half of the debts and I need to pay £240 in child maintenance but she wants to call it even...she won’t rule us out in the future and she knows that will give me hope..... I just love her, I know she is using me, I know she is playing for me.....I feel like she doesn’t deserve me but I just can’t help my feelings, the only time she allows me to have the kids is weekends so I don’t get the chance to meet anyone else

Another thing to add is she has portrayed me in such a way that my reputation where I live is in tatters, she has said I controlled her financially (working in a financial institution I did take over but when we met she was already well in debt that I paid off) I tried to make sensible decisions and wouldn’t overspend, she would regularly buy takeaways when we had food in which would mean cutting back elsewhere, she also told people that I used to lock her in house all day (again another lie as she somehow managed to get the kids to school while I was at work) she has also openly commented on our physical relationship and made out I was something I am not. This has lead to rumours and I live in a small town so it doesn’t take long for people to hear things, some don’t believe it others say some must be true, it’s just so frustrating. I do work hard and sometimes I would get home and be warn out or stressed and some nights she would respect that and others she would cause an argument. I know that even if I move on I have so much unfinished business that I will go back as stupid as it sounds

Could you get custody of the kids and move away from her, not too far, so the children can still see her at weekends.
Just far enough away to start again and you could get childcare around the new job?

Just a suggestion.

Please don’t go back to her.

Think of her as a drug you have to kick.

3 pieces of relationship advice:

1. You can not force someone to love you.
2. The only person who can make you truly happy is your self.
3. The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.

Detox from her. Take her off the pedestal and put yourself up there instead.

Fill the void with gym, hobbies , new woman, just don’t go back.

Don’t do it......

This is a very sad story, but I'm afraid I am going to have to agree with others and tell you she is playing with you, and you need to let her go. No matter how much you love her she is not good for you. Take some time to sort yourself out and learn to be happy again, without her, and at some stage I'm sure you will find someone who really appreciates you. She is bad news. Good luck.

I can’t get anymore custody because of my work hours it just isn’t possible and she knows this

Rubbish. What would you do if she dropped dead? Ask social services to put your kids into care?

You sound fixated on getting back the status quo as was. That's not going to happen, because she was showing you a fake version of herself. The brutal truth is that she made noises about getting back together because she wanted money/childcare from you.

Are you really happy to let this tin-plated fucknugget bring up your children?

Talking from personal experience you need to walk away. She is toxic and will only bring you down to her level, block her on all social media etc you don’t need to see what she is doing. Only contact you need to have is over your kids and that alone. If you can get custody do so. You can change your work pattern around your kids and get childcare help, I had to do the same last year. Might earn less money but for the sake of your kids it’s worth it in the long term.

I have tried to walk away but she does things to make me angry and come back, my kids call him daddy....it’s confusing for them, I still have to pay all our joint debts as she now refuses because she doesn’t have the money, we have a joint account and she has maxed the overdraft on it, I said I would buy my step daughter a certain present for Xmas which was discussed when we were getting back together and now she is holding me too it despite me knowing that he wants it (Xbox) I have offered to keep it at my mums house as that is where I am currently living....found out today that they have slept together in the house we shared, she denied this for months but has finally told me, not sure if that made things worse or better....I want to break the connection I have tried but I get a text from her and boom back where I started....I can’t block her number because of the kids

I want to do what is best for my kids so badly it’s unreal.....and I am trying, I am genuinely trying but finding it tough, the weight loss and the lack of sleep isn’t helping me focus but I have time off work over the Xmas and NY period, my work have told me I am falling behind and that is just another pressure.....people are in worse situations I know that but I haven’t been in a situation this bad before, and I seem to be drowning in my own head which feels terrible