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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is having a EA

26 replies

StripedZebra2 · 20/12/2019 07:23

My husband of 14 years has been having a EA with a woman he met at a training course about a month ago.

I found out yesterday morning after seeing a message on his phone. We are open with our phones. I only looked at his phone to get the time.

There are feelings on both sides and he’s been pressuring her to meet up over the Xmas holidays. Most of the messages have been deleted but I’ve seen some, enough to know it’s not innocent.

I’ve spoken to him about it but he won't tell me much, keeps saying he doesn’t know. Has basically only admitted to what I’ve seen.

I’m a anxious wreck as he won’t talk, I need to know but he won’t tell me. He’s also showing no remorse what so ever and is carrying on as normal. He said they just got carried away there was nothing in it and to let it go.

I can’t just let it go. I just don’t know what to do. I would like him to talk to me but he’s just completely shut down.

OP posts:
Countryescape · 20/12/2019 07:27

He’s pressuring her to meet up over Xmas but he expects you to just “let it go”. Hell no. He needs to move out and get his shit together. Counseling or it’s over

Moraliee · 20/12/2019 08:15

What's your question?
Yes your husband is a dick and yes you need to kick him out.

Original poster
StripedZebra2 · 20/12/2019 08:41

My question is really how to make the bastard talk

OP posts:
Sassanacs · 20/12/2019 08:45

Tell him loud and clear that if he doesn't talk then he will be out on the street for Christmas looking for somewhere else to live.

AnyFucker · 20/12/2019 08:46

Waterboarding ?

TheReef · 20/12/2019 08:59

You can't MAKE him talk. But you CAN tell him to leave!

My exh has an emotional affair and it was beyond painful for me, the betrayal and feelings involved where awful. I struggled with his capacity for deceit and the fact he put taking to this person above my feelings. I stayed with him for a further 3 years, but it never worked after that, he'd betrayed my trust. Looking back I should have asked him to leave there and then rather than trying to work through it with him.

notapizzaeater · 20/12/2019 09:01

Why do you need him to talk, he's betrayed you. Just tell him to go !

Tashtegotoo · 20/12/2019 09:10

As soon as I found messages between my (now ex) husband and someone I told him to leave. He was gone within a week. It was incredibly hard and I was distressed for months but for me it was the right choice. Mine wanted to share everything with me, he was so excited about his new start. His life now is a bit of a wreck but I worked out what was important to me, kept the moral high ground, asked me friends for support and got on with my life without him. Good luck @StripedZebra2 I hope you can get the support you need at a really traumatic time.

Gardai · 20/12/2019 09:13

You can’t ‘make’ someone talk who doesn’t want to talk to you imo.

Strongmummy · 20/12/2019 09:15

Agree with others. You can’t make him talk, but you can take back control and tell him you won’t tolerate his behaviour. He is being swept up in the excitement and is behaving like a tool. Set the agenda. Tell him to quit, never see her/message her again or leave. If you feel you can forgive him and move forward in this relationship I’d strongly suggest marriage counselling.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 20/12/2019 09:17

Seen so many similar threads on here recently with posters turning themselves inside out trying to get their 'D'H's to talk/confess.. it doesn't happen, or if it does, it's horrendous and makes you feel worse.

From what you've posted, you know all you need to know. The fact he hasn't even apologised or tried to placate you in any way shows he's a nasty person and you can do better.

Chocolate123 · 20/12/2019 09:28

Why do you need him to talk ? You know what he's being doing so that's enough for you to make a decision on what to do

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 20/12/2019 12:21

He doesnt want to talk to you because he is talking with her.
He wants to meet up with her.
He is already cheating on you.
I think OP you want him to cry forgiveness and he isnt.
He apparently has no regard for you or your feelings.
Do what he is doing.
Put yourself first.

richteasandcheese · 20/12/2019 13:20

You should get over it? Ha! He doesn't want to talk - he doesn't want to beg, because he doesn't care. Do yourself a favour and either leave or send him packing

JustASmallTownCurl · 20/12/2019 13:49

You can't make someone talk. You can, however, make the decision to end the relationship if he refuses to. Not by using it as a threat but by realising that if he won't even talk then (on top of his existing disloyalty and deceit) he has no respect for you whatsoever.

Original poster
StripedZebra2 · 20/12/2019 14:11

You are right I want him to beg for forgiveness but he doesn't seem sorry. I can't be walked over like this.

I need to stop being weak and stand up for myself.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 20/12/2019 14:31

He's effectively pleading the 5th with faced with pretty awful evidence because anything he has will just seek him sink lower and lower. His lack of talking about it as actually just more evidence of his betrayal as innocent people tend to want to defend themselves and say they're innocent. You dont need his permission to end things or kick him out. Do what feels right for you

TildaTurnip · 20/12/2019 15:21

I think I could forgive and move forward from this if my DH was remorseful and agreed to relationship counselling. Not if he refused to talk though.

FestiveFavourites · 20/12/2019 15:27

Can you go away for Christmas to friends or family? Tell him to be out of the house by the time Christmas is over.

MsDogLady · 20/12/2019 17:06

You know all you need to know. He is taking you for a fool and treating you with utter contempt. He stonewalls and tells you to ‘let it go’ as he carries on with his cheating and plans to meet OW.

He expects you to tolerate his infidelity. Take control and tell him to leave.

user764329056 · 20/12/2019 17:12

You can only control your actions, not his. Take back your power and tell him to get the fuck out of your life

EnglishRose13 · 20/12/2019 17:14

Fuck that. He doesn't get to get away with this by minimising.

Find your anger and kick him the fuck out!

Bluebutterfly90 · 20/12/2019 17:18

Sorry to hear this, OP, and with him not even being sorry! Angry

You deserve better. Unfortunately you cant make him show the remorse that he should, you can only control what you do. I think you should tell him to get lost.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 20/12/2019 17:42

Crying and pleading wouldn't mean he's actually sorry though. Lots of men play the pathetic victim just because they got caught. You deserve better than him.

supersop60 · 20/12/2019 18:13

It's nothing.
We're just friends.
Yes, we flirted a bit.
Nothing happened.
Well, we spent the night together, but nothing happened.
Well, it was just the one time, and we both regretted it.
Etc.
Get angry OP. It's very empowering. How dare he!

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