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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened again

35 replies

allthebaubles · 20/12/2019 00:21

I was trying to find my thread from last year and failed.

It's happened again. I've failed miserably to take onboard the advice I got last and I've fallen into the same pit.

Every year I invite my parents to Christmas, every year they say no, multitude of excuses - including this year they told me they were going away. I even invited them in January, got in early. They are what a surprise going to my sisters again.

I love them, I'm there day to day for things that happen, neither are in good health; but I find the refusal to come to mine for a single Christmas humiliating. My in-laws come every other year, I do a nice Christmas, My children ask why my parents never come, I lie to them and make excuses.

I'm feeling done, I just feel done, I don't want to stop my relationship with my parents, but they make me feel like shit every year. Is it normal to go to just one sibling for ten years in a row. I have a nice house, I have nice kids, I do a nice spread.... but they won't come.

Or should I just accept that this is how things are, and it is never going to change. I just feel done. Why should I do all the day to day stuff, the runaround, the hospital appointments etc, but my family is not good enough for Christmas Day ever. I know I live the closest but still why can't my family have that day?

Or am I just throwing my toys out of the pram and need to grow up because Christmas is not the be all.

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 20/12/2019 00:40

Maybe you need to become less available.

If they see you all the time you have no USP,
everybody wants something that is less available, rare.

Take a step back and see if they are suddenly more interested.

xlkhs · 20/12/2019 00:45

Have you asked your sister?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2019 00:46

I think you should stop allowing them to take advantage of you. No more runaround, no more taxi service. Relationships have to go both ways.

lesleyw1953 · 20/12/2019 01:13

Maybe they think they are giving you break? Ask them

rvby · 20/12/2019 02:15

Your sister may be less likely to forgive them for not going to hers. They may trust you to still be nice even though they let you down or reject you.

Or maybe they get waited on at DSis...

It can be so many things.

Is there a reason that you keep inviting them? If it were me I would have by now accepted that they go to hers... is there something about this situation thats making you stubborn about not accepting their decades long behavior? Not meaning to sound horrible here btw. Just want to understand because it really sounds like it's hurting you. Xx

Original poster
allthebaubles · 20/12/2019 07:18

Thank you. I needed to get that off my chest. I'm going to be a hella lot less available.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/12/2019 07:34

Hi OP have you asked them why they go to your sister? What did they say? How is your relationship with them the rest of the time?

Lampan · 20/12/2019 07:41

Have you asked them why? Have you spoken to your sister about it? Are they for some reason more afraid to say no to your sister? Is there a reason why you can’t all get together somewhere? I know a family Christmas can be challenging! These days I actually prefer a much smaller gathering!

minesagin37 · 20/12/2019 07:46

Why is your sister colluding in your misery. Tell her to only invite them every other year so you take it in turns? You seem to be missing the most important element that they have also been invited her your sister.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2019 07:49

Did you post about this issue under a different posting name previously?

Look at your family of origin's dynamics a lot more here. What is going on within that?. How emotionally healthy are your parents?

Re your own self examine and raise your boundaries a lot higher than they have been to date. Are you still seeking their approval, approval they will never infact give you, even as an adult?.

Is it that your sister is far more favoured by them or is it the case that you are seen as the more "capable" sibling. There are reasons why they are acting as they are here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2019 07:50

And it is absolutely not your fault they are choosing to act like this either. You did not make them that way.

category12 · 20/12/2019 07:52

Invite your sister next year?

seven201 · 20/12/2019 07:54

There's no way I wouldn't be able to bring this up. It will fester away at you. Ask them why and tel them how hurt you are.

daisypond · 20/12/2019 07:54

Why haven’t you asked them why? That’s the mystifying thing. There will be a reason.

PegasusReturns · 20/12/2019 07:57

You need to ask them.

Maybe they think they don’t see enough of your sis
Maybe they think they’re giving you a break
Maybe they’re playing favourites.

You need to know

category12 · 20/12/2019 07:58

It seems like you're in competition with your sister - you need to remove that dynamic. Arrange a massive Christmas with the whole lot of you, have a Christmas eve or boxing day thing, try making new traditions or doing something differently next year.

NabooThatsWho · 20/12/2019 08:04

Not surprised you are upset. 10 years in a row? Fuck that.

Take a step back from the relationship and work on your boundaries, what you do and don’t find acceptable.

It sounds like you do a lot for them. Are they taking advantage of your kind nature?

Original poster
allthebaubles · 20/12/2019 08:54

I did post on a previous year, I had been looking for that post so I could reread the replies and act on the advice - I couldn't find it, so I apologies for the reposting.

I did ask my sister, she said no. I did ask my parents and they said that's where they go for Christmas.

I'm not asking again, I'm taking a massive step back and weirdly enough I'm not as upset as I used to get. I think I'm done with them all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2019 09:06

No need to apologise whatsoever!.

What has been and is your role/s here in your family of origin?. Are you their scapegoat here?. What does your DH/partner make of your parents?. I guess he does not like them at all given how you have been and remain treated by them.

It may be an idea for you to read and perhaps post on the most recent "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Lipz · 20/12/2019 09:13

There's a reason they are preferring to go there, maybe they'll never tell you what it is. Maybe they feel more comfortable at your sister's? I love all my siblings equally but I'd never go and stay with one of my brothers, his house is always cold, kids wild, never any food in and filthy, whereas I'd go to and stay with one of my sister's as she's the complete opposite, I've another sister who I visit but wouldn't do a stay or xmas dinner as she doesn't allow so many things in her home and there's so many rules that my brain hurts. Could you not push for a reason? Although they may say something you don't like.

Scratchyback · 20/12/2019 10:19

Sometimes its not what it seems, OP. Maybe your sister applies pressure or they feel like she'll be more offended if they don't go to her. The squeakiest wheel gets oiled first. I'd definitely become less available, as other posters have said. Be nice, be kind to all ..... just not as quick to jump. They probably feel like they don't need to be tip toeing around you as much as you'll still come round. Re-write the story. Gently let them know that they need to consider your feelings too.

SophieSong · 20/12/2019 10:20

How come your sister isn’t invited? Why can’t you all spend Xmas together and it has to be either with her or with you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2019 10:38

That’s shit of them and it’s not your fault and is obviously very hurtful.

Apart from you doing them favours what’s contact like the rest of the year? Do you celebrate birthdays together? Do try invite you over for meals, accept invitations from you? Or is it just taxi and dogsbody work?

ChuckleBuckles · 20/12/2019 10:43

OP I have this dynamic in my family, I am the "shit shoveller" when things go wrong and shit hits the fan I am called upon to clean it up, when money is needed (and won't be paid back) I am the one to call. Good old reliable and easy to manipulate Chuckles is the one to get dirty hands so theirs can stay pristine, however parties, events, fun things I am never the first port of call, and it is always "oh we didn't think".

It is hurtful and I have taken a great big step back and had to learn about boundaries and it was slow, painful growth to see how easy I was to manipulate and how much I would dance for others approval, I just wanted to feel loved and wanted. Time to practise disengaging and being unavailable when convenient to others, but be warned when you first start drawing a line people push back harder and start getting angry that you won't jump any more, stick with it, it is worth it for your own self preservation.

Palavah · 20/12/2019 10:44

I did ask my sister, she said no. I did ask my parents and they said that's where they go for Christmas.

Sounds as though they can sort themselves out for the lifts and errands and so on for a while, then.

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