Please remind me the reasons why an affair is a terrible idea

[BeanCalledPickle]

Usual story. Unhappy at home. Small ish children and marriage has completely floundered under the pressure. Can’t really be arsed to try and make it work but nor can we easily split up ; earn enough to pay for house and a few treats. If we split that all goes and neither of us want to do that, though we’ve both agreed we would like some time apart. I am well aware my focus should be on improving my marriage in some way.

Have become close to someone I met through work, though not actually a colleague which is good. He’s in much the same boat. We went out about six weeks ago and had a drunken brief kiss. Since then we’ve seen each other for work a couple of times, been for a long walk one lunch and exchanged a LOT of messages. Some exchanges I instigate, some he does.

We have a vague ish plan to meet one day over Christmas when we are both working but leaving early.

I know if we do we will drink and kiss. It is absolutely inevitable. I don’t know where we will go from there. Probably no where but the descent down the rabbit hole would have started.

Rationally I know I should make an excuse and not see him. I will see him rarely for work. I can walk away now and no real harm done. But it’s all I can think about. If I’ve lost so much headspace without even doing much then even a kiss would probably mess me up beyond repair.

Please please remind me why this is a terrible idea. I’m having to draw on all my mental strength not to go and meet him.

Because once you go there you won’t be able to look your husband in the eye, honestly you would be better just splitting up.

The balance in an affair is always not in the women’s favour, forget the affair and empower yourself to leave

Bloody hell...either leave your unhappy marriage or stick at it. But don’t have an affair...you are being incredibly selfish

I am well aware I am being selfish. And fucking greedy as well. We have spoken so much about breaking up but really just don’t know how. Live in London. Couldn’t afford to run two places so live as flat mates . I am actually contemplating telling him I’m heading in an affair direction to see what he says. I have expect him to not particularly care

If you didn’t have children, I’d say go for an affair. Life is too short; chase happiness and excitement and passion where you can.
BUT
How will you look your children in the eye in the future if you have an affair and cheat on their father? The amount of resentment, blame, upset and confusion this will cause when they’re old enough to understand will last forever. The affair might not last long but the guilt will last years if not the rest of your life.

Do the decent thing by yourself, your husband and children and give yourself a chance at real, guilt-free happiness.

You can't un-have an affair. Once you've broken the trust it's gone.
If you wanted, further down the line, to fix your marriage - it would be so much harder.
And if you don't want to fix your marriage, leave.
If you have any feelings for your partner, its better to hurt them by leaving than hurting them by betraying them.
Besides, you cant build a meaningful relationship from an affair IMO, because if they're willing to cheat with you, they'd be willing to cheat ON you.

It's a terrible idea for you because it's connected to work and you will need all of your professional reputation intact to build a new life for yourself when.you marriage ends. Women are looked hard askance at in these things, men get off much lighter.

It should go without saying that it's also a terrible idea because it will break your husband's heart and destroy his ability to trust in intimate relationships - a lifelong and unforgivable injury to inflict.

I don’t actually agree with that. My dad had an affair. I found out when I was an adult. I didn’t blame him, understood that relationships, especially those that last thirty years, are complicated. Mum never knew. I’d never tell her and dad is dead now. But it certainly didn’t spoil my relationship with him

Either split up or commit to working on your marriage. Having an affair is not a solution to this problem.

Er... it’s completely immoral! Imagine what your children would think of you? Think of the other woman - his WIFE!!! It’s a seriously low thing to do.
If you’re that unhappy you’ll find a way to get out.

You’re just another poster who wants to talk about their affair partner and your passion under the guise of needing guidance.
You wont be getting enabled by me.

No passion to report on really. Everything that’s happening is happening in my head. I’m very clear that it’s not a good idea. I just need people to give my head a wobble and reinforce that.

OP
With the greatest respect, you KNOW it’s wrong. You’ve asked us to affirm to you WHY it’s wrong and why it’s a bad idea.
We’ve given you reasons but you’re now arguing with us about why our reasons aren’t valid.
Go have the affair then. If you can actually argue with people who are trying to help you stay on the moral path after you asked for it then you’ve already made your mind up.

Well at the least you could get a slap from the OMs missus.

Tell your husband your marriage is over and you need to talk about what happens next. For all you know, your husband might have his own bit on the side. Would that bother you?

This bloke will go nowhere. He's just a symptom of the problem.

If you really love your children you need to stop this madness and behave like an adult. Use your brain not your hormones.
The past will always follow you so be smart. If your relationship with your husband is not working,divorce. Cheating is for vile creatures,narcissists that deserve the worst in life.
As an example,my "mother" chose the "easy way" aka she cheated. My sister and I found out and now the hatred we have towards her can not be described in words. We want her to disappear in thin air,to not exist anymore. So if you don't want to receive the same "treatment " from your children in the future, stop using any excuse and end what you're doing with that idiot. Good luck

Yes he is a symptom. That’s so true. I definitely don’t see myself as arguing about whether it’s a good idea or not. I’m clear it’s not. I just don’t necessarily agree it would ruin my relationship with my children. I’m sure it could though!

In my head it’s a perfect isolated moment that somehow burns itself out and we go back to our regular lives. Doubt that ever happens in real life

My dad had an affair.
I spent my childhood living in two different houses. At one point in two different countries.
I was split up from my brother. I had to choose who to spend Christmas with every year.
When you have an affair and risk breaking up someone else’s marriage (through no fault of their own) you then also subject them to a life of sharing their children. If you want to leave your husband, leave. Just don’t drag someone else’s family in to it.

I think I’ll be honest with husband though. Say this is where my head is at and what I feel compelled to do. And that I’m currently not doing it but I want to. And see what he says.

What about his family? His wife? His kid's? You haven't mentioned them once. It's all about what it will do to YOUR life. There are two families who stand to be obliterated if you carry on down this road.

Because only shitty people have affairs.

Either split up or work on your marriage. Don't be deceitful and have to live with the consequences of your selfishness.

The problem is though that oxytocin rush you get from what you're doing will get more demanding, you'll crave it and will do more and more, take more risks to get that hit.

You can get that feeling in a new relationship, one that's legit but you must sort out of marriage first. Talk to your husband.

'Can't be arsed' to work on your marriage but want the rush of an affair - are you a teenager? I get that the past few years must have been hard and you want an escape, but another man won't provide it (or if so, only temporarily).

Life can be tough, grow up and deal with the situation in front of you. Having an affair will make everything ten times harder, so if you're looking for the easier option, then it's to work on your marriage or leave it, without anyone else involved.

Don't do it. You'll be wracked with guilt, when your dh finds out then the divorce will not be pleasant and the dc will suffer

End it amicably now and pursue the OM when you are free to.

It's a terrible idea and I speak from experience. Good for the diet tho, you won't be able to eat for weeks due to the guilt.

Stop messaging the OM, give yourself headspace and be open with dh about how you feel. That's what I did, you are welcome to PM me if you want as I've just been through exactly the same thing x

How do people who don’t have the energy or inclination to invest in their marriages find the time to do so in affairs? Surely it’s just more effort and wish you don’t need?

Just look in the relationships section at all the women who have just found out their partner has or is cheating.
At the families broken by infidelity.

Try growing up and getting over yourself

Think about what attracted you to your DH in the first place. He must still have some of those qualities.
Think about what your Dad did - do you want to repeat that pattern.
Think about how devastating it will be to the DC if you have an affair and your DH finds out.
Work on your marriage - Give your DH a complement, a hug, smile at him. Your marriage is valuable. Small kids and work and financial pressures are hard and most marriages go through phases where the spouses don’t like each other. But don’t give up. It’s worth it. Tell your husband you want to spend time with him and figure out something you can do together - even it it’s simple like watching a funny tv program or playing cards.
Think of what first attracted you to each other