Please remind me the reasons why an affair is a terrible idea

[BeanCalledPickle]

Usual story. Unhappy at home. Small ish children and marriage has completely floundered under the pressure. Can’t really be arsed to try and make it work but nor can we easily split up ; earn enough to pay for house and a few treats. If we split that all goes and neither of us want to do that, though we’ve both agreed we would like some time apart. I am well aware my focus should be on improving my marriage in some way.

Have become close to someone I met through work, though not actually a colleague which is good. He’s in much the same boat. We went out about six weeks ago and had a drunken brief kiss. Since then we’ve seen each other for work a couple of times, been for a long walk one lunch and exchanged a LOT of messages. Some exchanges I instigate, some he does.

We have a vague ish plan to meet one day over Christmas when we are both working but leaving early.

I know if we do we will drink and kiss. It is absolutely inevitable. I don’t know where we will go from there. Probably no where but the descent down the rabbit hole would have started.

Rationally I know I should make an excuse and not see him. I will see him rarely for work. I can walk away now and no real harm done. But it’s all I can think about. If I’ve lost so much headspace without even doing much then even a kiss would probably mess me up beyond repair.

Please please remind me why this is a terrible idea. I’m having to draw on all my mental strength not to go and meet him.

What about the OM's partner? You really want to sleep with a man who'd do that to his wife?

I’d love to see if the responses on here would be so civil if a bloke asked if it was ok if even tho having small kids if it’d be ok if he fucked someone he met at work because he couldn’t be arsed working on his marriage 😂

OP, with the greatest respect, you come across as a truly horrendous human being

(.... awaits massive drip feed 🙄)

Yes after that one drunken kiss I felt so guilty I couldn’t eat for about two weeks. This reassured me that I do have some moral code. Everyone is quite right. I actually don’t know how I have the space in my head for this. Two small children and a full time job. It’s such a cliche isn’t it. Thank you. Especially to those who can understand how I feel. It’s not so easy to just get over it and grow up. Even though I completely appreciate that I should.

Sending you lots of luck.

Are you expecting your husband to give you permission or do you think that if you've told him you're heading towards it you will be justified in having an affair. Dont be so fucking ridiculous.

Cheaters are scum. To lie and break the trust of the person you are supposed to love and care for above anyone else, is horrendous. It will utterly destroy their self confidence, self worth and trust in anyone for a very long time and affect their future relationships.

You are also ripping apart two families, the dcs, grandparents, the hurt and destruction spreads.

Work on your marriage, if it is still failing, leave.

Agree with pp - there is someone else here you haven't even mentioned. The other guys partner. What if she still loves him and by doing this would break her heart? Do you really want to be that woman?

If the marriage is over then grow a pair and move out. So what if you have to live in a little 2 bed flat for a while. Millions of people do it and manage just fine. No point staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of having more space.

Of course it didn't spoil your relationship with your dad you weren't married to him

You've already decided to have the affair in fact I would suggest that you already are

The question is what do you want to do about it

Affairs are always tricky to take to a full blown everyday relationship because they are built on fantasy escapism and by a pair of liars. Deep down you both know that as soon as the going gets tough you'll be off

Let your DH go find someone else

Once your kids know, and understand, it will diminish you in their eyes forever.

You need to stop messaging this man and cancel your planned meet up. No good will come from any of this.

Fair point about his girlfriend. I don’t know much about her and what I do know I take with a pinch of salt. But I do think that my obligation and guilt is around my family and his family is his business.

I actually agree with the PP who said I’m already having the affair. I feel like what I do in my head is almost worse than a quick emotionless fling with someone who meant nothing. That’s what I find so challenging. I’m not physically acting on it but I’m still cheating because I can’t control the thoughts and feelings I have.

I have never entertained the idea that if anything happened it would become a relationship itself. By affair I’ve always thought it would be a Lust thing not love.

I’m not going to act on it. I take all your comments on board. And thank you for them. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to continually think about it though.

OP lots of people separate and remain living together due to circumstances like yours. Dating apps are full of folk in weir situations with their exes.

I really feel for you OP and to all these posters kicking you while you are down, jeeZ have a bit of compassion

If you haven't been there you don't understand how it feels.

You are effectively trapped if you can't afford to split with dh and be by yourself and then you have all these feelings for someone else. It must be torture. Do you think if you talked to dh you could work on the marriage? If you both made a lot of effort can you see the spark coming back? Do you want to try?

Of course you could share a house and separate but I don't think that would have worked for dh and I as he wouldn't have wanted me to see anyone else and I know it would quickly have descended into hating each other - that's not good for the kids

I wish you luck and I hope you can make a decision one way or the other and get what you want out of life.

Children survive break ups all the time and I think it's important for you to be happy and your dh, whether that's together or apart. The example you set them of marriage is what they will expect when they are grown up

Good luck x

overnightangel You are spot on.

It is actually your responsibility to consider his girlfriend. Yes he's ultimately responsible but you would be actively deciding to hurt someone. He can't have an affair with you unless you take part! It's like saying "well it's his responsibility not to stab someone, I only gave him the weapon knowing full well what he would do with it"

Don't assume because he tells you that he's in the same situation as you that he really is, his partner might really love him. How would you have felt in another woman had causally slept with your husband in the days when you really loved him?

I think mainly because the lack of integrity and lies will eat you up
The relationship will be flawed and sick from day one ?
I get the temptation but the very fact you ask makes
Me thing it will really cause damage down the line

Come and have a chat with my two DC. They'll be able to tell you how their dads affair has and still does effect them.

You shouldnt do it because your head is telling you that morally it is wrong. If nothing else, you are going to hate yourself afterwards. I've been the cheated on partner in this situation and for what it's worth I agree that your loyalty isn't to this guy's girlfriend. That's his lookout.

Open marriages can work if they are mutually agreed. Telling your husband might not be the worst idea but I would avoid this other man over christmas.