Is the abusive or passive aggressive? A red flag? Or is it me

[naughty40me]

Been in touch with a guy I met a couple of years ago. We haven't met up recently but been having lots of texting and video calls etc. It's hard to get together due to child commitments and work.

I thought we were close and that he thought a lot about me but the other day he told me he had booked a last minute holiday and so there would be no chance of us seeing each other before Xmas.

He also has a lot of money whereas I am on benefits so everything hit me at once and I told them that I wanted more that what we had. I want a real relationship and that even if we did get together I would never fit into his world, I just wouldn't be able to be the woman stood by his side; I don't fit.

He was obviously hurt by this and got defensive saying he had never made any promises anyway (he had) so I felt basically like he had been stringing me along for months. Enjoying photos of me and leaning on me for support when he was stressed with work etc.

I was in tears so waited for him to get to his destination and messaged to say how sorry I was, how I had made a mistake. He replied and put kisses so I thought we were back on track.

I've since sent 2 more messages which he ignored. But I know he has WiFi as the messages delivered and he has been posting snaps. So today I asked if he was purposely ignoring me? He opened the message but did not reply.

He was clearly ghosting me....so I called him out on it. Said I never had him down as a coward.

He instantly replied to that and said it was me that wanted everything to stop. I explained that I was hurt and that I just wanted to know where I stood. He said I shouldn't have called him a coward.

Basically it was like he accepted my apology but has since let me grovel and once I've expressed my frustration he's thrown it back in my face. My ex always did this to me too.

Maybe it is just me. I'm heartbroken. I feel like I will never find happiness.

He had no real intention of seeing me I don't think, he has no Facebook and what's app blue ticks turned off. I half suspect he's married or something.

I feel like absolute shit about myself. My self esteem is rock bottom anyway and now this.

I was so kind to him and there for him but as soon as I show any assertiveness I get punished.

It's all the same pattern again.

Please help.

Wait. I'm sorry OP, but you wanted a gut you've NEVER EVEN DATED to keep Xmas clear for you ? PLus you basically intimated that if you were to get into a relationship he'd need to bankroll you?

No I never expected him to do either of those things.

He said he would see me soon and I was perhaps hoping for this weekend.

And not in a million years did I ever want him for his money!!! The fact he is well off is what has made me feel insecure. Like I would never be able to keep up anyway so there was no future in it. I would never want anyone to bank roll me. I'm independent and always have been.

I wouldn't call this abuse or a red flag OP. It sounds like he's just not that into you - you were fine for a casual texting thing but not when you seemed to want something more serious.

To stop this happening again you need to make it clear much earlier on that you want things to develop.

Do you suffer from low self esteem? Your bar for how you want to be treated in a relationship seems very low.

I’m sorry OP, you sound like hard work.

I think you need to move on - this guy is not interested.

Honestly? Sounds like he’s just not that into you.

That’s the impression I get too - he isn’t that much into you and you’re bunny boiling a bit...

I don’t know how intense your online flirtation got. But if over the course of months you couldn’t find anytime to meet up it was doomed. Whether that’s down to his reluctance or your reluctance who knows but it takes 2. At least one of you isn’t into it.

If you want a more fulfilling relationship then end this one and find someone who is looking for the same thing. This guy isn’t or he would have made more effort.

In relation to what he has done, other than not be straight with you, he doesn’t have any obligations where you are concerned. You haven’t dated. He can go on holiday and he can ignore texts that are a bit intense given the status of your relationship.

I think it will be academic now, the red flag would be him not now running a mile. Because that would signal he is after someone insecure and anxious.

My self esteem is zero.
My mental health is a wreck.

Thank you for your opinions.

I will leave now as I'm just in a mess. My whole life is a mess. Not just this.

I appreciate your comments.

See, twice you called him out...but then backtracked.

It does sound like maybe he has been stringing you along. When people are really into you, they make the time.

I think you know he isn't suitable and lashed out verbally because you knew this. But then you thought, 'have I over-reacted?'. Maybe, but your sentiment was correct. You trusted your gut. And you should always do that.

So in future, no more backtracking and grovelling. Call people out on their bs and then, walk away with your head held high.

You have created this 'closeness' in your head. Sorry, I know this is hard to hear, but please stop and think quietly to yourself and take a long hard look at the evidence.

Remember the saying 'Talk is Cheap'? It's a saying for a reason. He can tell you anything he wants to and as you're not even seeing each other he never has to 'come good'

Please see that until you are spending regular time with someone, know them in the good times and bad over a good period of time and know that they are who they sat they are, any 'relationship' you have is imaginary.

I did online dating, I know how easy it is to let your head interpret every word the way YOUR INSECURITIES need them to be.

Get yourself a proper available date, spend time with them in real life and just take each day as it comes. Don't even think of allowing your head to run away with you. Don't even consider the relationship that serious until you have passed the 6m mark. Once you have then you start to take notice of the relationship and can begin to expect a little more in loyalty/consideration on both sides. then see how it goes for the next 6m and see where you are at a year. it's only then that it's a case of piss or get off the pot.

I know this as I saw someone for a year who almost a week before our 'anniversary' when asked jokily as part of general mucking about 'tell me again why youre with me' answered "BECAUSE ITS CONVENIENT'

OUCH.

I ended it. Yup it hurt, but I knew i deserved better.

Be your own true love. love yourself enough to know that you are good enough, and that you are an asset to anyone's life, if they deserve it.

I know you are on benefits - is that something you can do anything about? if so then devote as much energy as possible to making your own life better. Things then won't feel so bleak.

Good luck love, you're worth 10 of him, remember that!

Leave him be now. what will be will be. move on.

He's not into you. You never even met him. You come across as having some very serious issues that have put him off you. He ghosted you but you didn't respect his boundary and hounded him. If he were to post about this from his point of view the overwhelming response would be to block you.

You need to move on and stop dating/texting/online flirting until you are in a better place for yourself and your children.

Thank you @Pinkbonbon and @MzHz that means a lot.

I know it's me. I'm very very insecure and I throw myself at men. I was abused as a child and I'm a people pleaser:

My last partner left me after we lost a child and the last 5 years I have been single. This man was met on line but we met for coffee twice and then stayed in touch as friends. He was really supportive when he found out my ex had been back around and hurt me again. He said he would never hurt me and would love to be more than friends.

He said he had always had a soft spot for me. So the flirtation started.

I didn't expect us to be a couple yet but I was hoping it would go that way eventually.

Him going abroad suddenly just made me realise how different our lives are. I was also already stewing over the meeting up never materialising. I kind of had Xmas as a deadline in my head to end it if you see what I mean.

But as you say I thought I had overeacted and lost him and I tried to make it right but he doesn't want to know.

I have depression and anxiety and have always suffered. I do permitted work as a lunchtime supervisor but I have had to go off sick today. I just can't stop crying.

It is not tears for this man. I know that. This situation has just acted as a trigger.

My tears are for my children. I have no parents and I simply feel like I matter to no one and I belong to no one.

I feel worthless. It isn't him that's fine this. I felt it anyway and couldn't believe my luck when someone as lovely as him showered me with some attention.

I've been such a fool. I know I have. I need higher standards and better boundaries. I honestly feel like if it wasn't for my kids I would not be here. There is absolutely no one else that gives two shits about whether I exist or not.

Apologies for being so pathetic. So many strong women on here and I'm just not like that. I'm sorry all.

Please, you need to STOP dating/flirting/texting until you sort out your mental health. You're far too needy/clingy and looking for a rescuer it won't happen. Peace and contentment come from within. You need some help for your depression first and foremost.

You've been through the wringer in life...

Some things that may help if you feel up to exploring them when you've come through this current wave of distress:

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself (I personally find their workbooks really easy to dip in and out of even when things are really at their worst - they're based on CBT principles)

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - might help you to learn new relationship patterns. They've also developed a follow on course called Freedom Forever.

www.elefriends.org.uk - online community for people struggling with mental health. It helped me feel less alone when life seemed unbearable.

Take care

@ohwheniknow

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me those links.

I really do appreciate it. I will take a look at them all. So very kind of you. Sorry that you have had a hard time too

OP I'm so sorry you lost your DC.

AS PP said, you need to concentrate on yourself now and your recovery. You are coming across as vulnerable to nasty dickheads and you're being targeted. You deserve better.

Please DONT turn this on yourself.

There is no need to involve yourself in ANY of the details of this man here - HE decided to apparently book a last minute holiday rather than meet you...

he could have been more upfront with you, he could have made more effort. The only thing you have done here is be TOO accomodating for too long.

This relationship never WAS. it simply doesn't deliver anything except provide you with a human being to interact with on messages.

Fuck, you can find the same on MUMSNET!

This nonsense of you mattering to nobody/belonging to nobody... You have kids who think you are the centre of their universe, they love you just the way you are, because you are the person they know will always be there for them.

So be that person, for them. Then it becomes a habit.

Wouldn't work help you keep distracted? there are people there no doubt who care for you, so let them help you keep your chin up.

I have no doubt that life could be better for you, but it will only actually start to get better if you start pushing back on the black feelings, take off the black glasses and show yourself what you CAN do.

I've been suicidal myself, there comes a point where you look the black dog in the face and say Enough, you have taken enough, I'm taking ME back now.

This guy wasn't the one for you, you knew this, he's a plaster on a wound. Time to let the wound air and heal, then make the time to get to know who you are, and be your best friend.

If I can do this, so can you. NEVER give up!! you hear me? (((hug))

@MzHz

Thank you.....your words mean so much x

I wrote a big post back to you then promptly lost it and it’s got busy ChezHz, but I’m glad I helped a little.

Can I ask... do you do exercise?

I swim. like a nutter

It allows me to shut the world out and focus on flying through the water, it’s bliss.... even if my coach is so full on she does come with a health warning

I learned to swim a few years ago to combat agoraphobia and to push myself and face a few challenges. While it was hard to start with, I find so much peace in the water, I have sooo many things to focus on doing right/better it means there’s no space in my head for anything else

And then there’s the rush of happy endorphins you get from the exercise- glorious

It might be worth you thinking about doing something physical, it might help you lift your spirits and get your life back in your control

Hi naughty40 - be kind to yourself if you know how - nice bubble bath, movie with kids - easy meal for tea -it’s tough and I can identify.
Those website look great and I will use them - thanks to poster.
You have been through a lot by the sound of it.
Can you afford counselling. If you have a local MIND they can do a reduced rate or look at BACP website for a list of therapist - some will offer a reduced rate.
Our past affects our future but we can make adjustments.
Look up Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families.
They run meetings which you may find useful. You only make a contribution if you can afford it. They have really helped me look at my past and start healing.
🌺

@MzHz thank you x

Well done on pushing yourself and learning to swim that must have been so challenging and such hard work to persevere like that....you've done amazing!

I would go swimming too but our local pool got closer down and the nearest one is ages away so hard for me as I don't drive. I do like to walk though.

I walk the kids to school and walk to work, into town, everywhere really. I think I might add in extra walks..just with no destination just to enjoy the fresh air and to clear my mind.

I am feeling a bit calmer, have thought very much about the man and can see now he was just using me. He kept telling me what photos he wanted, what he wanted me to do for him....he also said he enjoyed knowing I was there for him and that I was his and no one else could see or touch me.

Obviously I let myself get attached when really he wasn't giving anything back was he. I was supposed to wait for him! God how silly I have been.

Anyway, I am now concentrating on my children and myself starting with all my Xmas wrapping today which I still have not done!

Thank you again for all your help and you should be so proud of all your achievements and winning through your personal battles...it's really is all down to your inner strength and determination; excellent

@Mary1935

Thank you for your kind words and for your suggestions of help organisations.

I'm sorry to hear you have had a difficult past too...I'm glad that you are finally starting to heal

I don't have the money for private counselling but I have seen people under the NHS before but the waiting lists are very long.

Fortunately my employers have been wonderful and are going to provide me with a private counsellor, she is due to contact me shortly.

They have been great, the business manager of the school invited me in for coffee and we had a good chat.

They are a lovely school, my son went there and my daughter still attends so they have know me a while even though I've only worked there since Easter.

I think they are very keen on staff well being and thankfully view mental health and something important. It's was such a relief yesterday to be helped like this.

For now I need to get Xmas ready for my kids, I can't let them down, they are my world and they need me.

Then I will focus on the counselling and trying to unravel all this rubbish and start to heal.

I know I went a bit psycho on the man but I also know he was no good and I should have just disappeared on him and kept my dignity.

The emotions he triggered within me all stem from past abuse, past loss, feelings of abandonment etc etc...

I have had a very troubled life but I know I'm not alone in that. Sending you more strength to keep going on your journey of healing

Maybe try looking at this in a different way? And feel relieved your behaviour triggered an end to it? My philosophy is not to give a shit what arseholes think of you. This is good. You're moving on. And not wasting anymore time

Walking is a brilliant way of feeling free and feeding your soul

I was walking at the weekend and thought of you and hoped you were finding peace.

Was also swimming but I don’t get to think past ‘breathe’, ‘swim faster’ and ‘don’t drown’

Just to say, not having Facebook is not a red flag, or is having the WhatsApp blue ticks turned off. I have mine turned off for exactly this reason - people like you who get paranoid and check the ticks every few minutes after sending a message.

People think far too much into social media and get far too obsessive. If I thought I would still keep in touch with my family without Facebook, I wouldn't have it either.. but it does make things so much easier.