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Original poster

Why do some people do this? [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

35 replies

Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 08:05

I had been seeing a guy for past few weeks. I've known him for a year but recently started seeing him as my marriage ended. Started off with 4 weeks of regular texting, but very long chats. He seemed very full on maybe even a bit too much for me (eg I sent him a pic of me and he set it to his screen saver) but I went with the flow because I really fancied him.
3 weeks ago we started meeting up and I've seen him 6 times with regular texting in between. Felt really nice, we got on great and he made it clear he really fancied me.

Anyway the last time we met at his we were lying on the couch and I gave him a wank (sorry!!) Which was the first sexual contact we had done apart from boob action.
He lasted only a few seconds and then was a bit awkward afterwards and I put that down to being a bit embarrassed about not lasting long etc didn't think too much of it.

Then as of the next day he was totally distant and I could totally sense a shift in the energy and enthusiasm.
This went on for a further 6 days and I finally asked did he want to leave things for now and he said his head was all over the place and my situation with my husband wasn't sitting as easily with him as he thought (ie recently seperated and we have kids)
Now that is a good reason, however I don't believe it's the truth. He's been put off me in some way but I just don't know how!!
How can a guy go from being so into someone that he's so full on, planning weekends away, asking what my parents would think of him, sending far too many kiss emojis and compliments etc etc to withdrawing completely and going right off me.
Can anyone explain why this happens??
He also said he didn't want me to think he was only after one thing? Well I am only after one thing really I'm just out of a 13 year relationship Grin
He was pushing this much more down the romantic/boyfriend type route, I'd have been happy with more casual and fwb although I wanted to get to know him more first.
I can't get my head round it!! I'm not too upset or anything, just baffled at how guys can change like the wind!!

OP posts:
AnFiadhRuaRua · 19/12/2019 08:09

The lovebomber discard.

Its not you. It is him.
He hasnt gone off you per se. It's that you have seen something less than the version of himself he wants you to mirror back.

Pace things next time. Your pace. He rushed you.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 08:13

Great advice thanks! So do you mean he was maybe embarrassed about the premature ejaculation?

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 19/12/2019 08:14

Ime a lot of people can fake. They like the idea of something so they put their all into making the right here and now into that without much thought about whether it really is or not. Then one day they realise it's not really what they were trying to make it and back off.

Of course there is also the fact that you are probably the first sexual contact after his wife which can stir up some complex emotions.

I've got my money on this one being "oh lovely, barely even single and I've found my new woman" "oh, oops, maybe it's more complicated than that"....

my question would be why you allowed him to push you in a direction that wasn't really what you wanted. If you want casual and relaxed you need to say that. Boundaries are important, particularly when you're getting out of a long term relationship. Don't be afraid to state your limits and stick to them.

theBlackCrow · 19/12/2019 08:15

I doubt it's lovebombing/discard, but you didn't really indulge in the details, so maybe.

"Well I am only after one thing really I'm just out of a 13 year relationship "

^ well, there ya go, perhaps. I am a guy who takes things slow and I tend to be suspicious of people. I don't think this is a gendered issue, though. To me it sort of sounds like he was really into it, and then when things got intimate he started thinking, "Oh shit, she's newly divorced, and has kids, I am probably a rebound for her." And you sort of go on to say that, he is...

But who knows. People are weird.

ShatnersWig · 19/12/2019 08:19

just baffled at how guys can change like the wind!!

It's not an exclusively male trait, you know.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 08:21

I guess not shatners but i only deal with men
Grin

OP posts:
overnightangel · 19/12/2019 08:25

The title of the thread should be “why do some people do this”

Featherweight · 19/12/2019 08:26

Maybe he realises you don't want the full proper relationship that he wants. So he's backing off? Doesn't want to get too into you for it to not really go anywhere.

Or he's embarrassed by his sexual performance. If he didn't last long from masturbation, then he's unlikely to when having full intercourse, so now he's getting anxious if not living up to your expectations and meeting your needs in the bedroom.

I had a boyfriend who was OTT and full on with me, but then got so nervous when we attempted to have sex for the first time. He couldn't get an erection. He was very embarrassed and literally ignored me for about a month before he got back in touch.

We tried again, the same thing happened. But this time he got quite angry with himself and actually physically hurt me trying to 'make it happen' so I called it a day with him.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 08:26

I made it clear from the outset that he was not a rebound, the reason for wanting something more casual is that coming out of a serious relationship, it seems best for me to not go right into another relationship right away.
I said from the start I'm not in a position to commit to anyone just now and he agreed that with his work commitments that neither is he! I assumed we had an understanding.
I do believe he was as into me as he made out as it seemed real! As real as the total shift that I also felt!!
It was me who was married and gas kids; he's been single for 2 years

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 19/12/2019 08:28

So, has every man you've ever met behaved like this OP?

theBlackCrow · 19/12/2019 08:29

I don't trust reliability after "a few weeks," things are new, people are on dopamine, and they behave lovey and do things they wouldn't normally do. It's not indicative of a routine that will carry on.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 19/12/2019 08:31

Haven't you sort of answered your own question? You say he wanted the relationship and you really wanted fwb. Maybe the sex side of it wasn't what he wanted right now and, as a pp said, it's brought up a lot of complex feelings for him and he wants to slow it all down? It's maybe just moving too fast for him in a direction that he isn't comfortable with.

It's possible that you just both want different things rather than he's playing games.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 08:32

Right I've asked to change the title for all who this is offending
It's 8 in the morning I just wrote it in bed
If course not all men do this of course women do this also and some men don't etc etc
Sorry to those who are ragin at the title it will be changed ASAP

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Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 08:34

Here hooves I see what you mean this seems like it would make sense here.
It's definitely something to do with that sexual contact that's changed him that's for sure. Or that's triggered an emotion in him or something

OP posts:
myduckiscooked · 19/12/2019 08:41

It could be a performance issue OP but it could also be that he is just a (quick) tosser. I’ve had quite a few intense relationship starts and I’ve had slow burn starts admittedly well back in the day now. In the end they have had little impact on the longevity of the relationships which depended entirely on the combination of emotionally availability and compatibility of the people involved.

overnightangel · 19/12/2019 08:51

I was kidding about the thread title 🤷🏼‍♀️
I don’t understand.... you say you’ve told him he’s not a rebound but you’ve also said you only want one thing ... you’re contradicting yourself

Namechangedyorkshire · 19/12/2019 08:53

@Louise000000

He has been single two years so premature ejaculation isn't really a surprise but is suspect it has impacted in him a lot. Why don't you just try talking to him about his recent change and see what he says and reassure him.

Let's be right, if he is a bit premature he can come back for second go and that's a nice time for him to go inside you and last a lot longer?

Good luck and congrats on your approach after what you have come out of

ChristmasFairyDogsOfThigh · 19/12/2019 09:06

Has he been pushing the sexual side of things? I wonder if he'd built you up in his head as 'the one' and bit 'Madonna-ish' and now you've brought sex into it, in his mind the relationship is not 'perfect' any more. Whatever his reasons, i think you've had a lucky escape, anyone who isn't mature enough to bring issues into the open and discuss them, but instead, goes remote (sulky), is best avoided.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 09:08

Some great advice here thanks!

I'll get on later and reply! !

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 13:37

@ChristmasFairyDogsOfThigh I don't think it's this, we had been on the verge of texting and sending sexy pics for a while before. So sex was definitely always on the cards

@Namechangedyorkshire
We have ended things on Tues now so no going back. I can imagine a premature prob may be hard on the ego to try and talk about?
@overnightangel I mean he's not a rebound in the sense that I'm not looking to fill a void that my husband has left or to distract myself from my marriage break up or anything I've dealt with all of my marriage post break up stuff and I've not loved my husband for years which made things easier iyswim
In terms of the new man, a casual, fun, fwb type thing would have been nice for a few months
All that text effort for no sex though Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 13:43

@myduckiscooked I think what's baffling me is the almost 180 degree difference in 24 hours after the hand Job!! Some thing has majorly scared him/put him off.
I think if you fancy someone as much as I believe he did fancy me (this is someone who had been saying he's punching way above his weight with me, he didn't know why I'd be interested in him, he would regularly look at my instagram while I was still with my dh-pretty intense feelings there and I felt them while with him too so not just a sweet talking line thing either I don't think)
Then to just withdraw like that is totally weird!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 13:44

@ChristmasFairyDogsOfThigh that's meant to say sexting

OP posts:
nowaypose · 19/12/2019 15:44

I had this once. A guy seemed really into me, sent ridiculously long texts, we had a few dates and great sex, really got along then suddenly he stopped replying as often or would close off the messages. I knew something was amiss so asked what it was, he got spooked by me having children. I mean, he’d always known about the children and I’d made it clear I didn’t exactly want him to play step-daddy role but there you go. He freaked out, it was too much for him and that was the end of it.

I reckon this guy may be similar. Perhaps you were a bit of a fantasy for him but reality has suddenly hit home and he’s thinking it’s too much for him to deal with. Just brush it off and thank yourself lucky it didn’t last any longer.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 19/12/2019 16:52

From what you were saying about him looking at your Instagram while you were married it sounds to me like he had a 'fantasy' of how things would be with you, then when they weren't as he imagined (which they never could be...that's why they're fantasies) he felt disappointed. Does that make sense?

Original poster
Louise000000 · 19/12/2019 18:16

@nowaypose that sounds like it could be a similar situation. So did this guy explain this afterwards?
I guess it's maybe something that we could have been discussing before the hand job that's done it rather than the actually act itself!! We were chatting for a good few hours before. I talked about my kids etc then so it could definitely be the kids thing.
Yes onwards and upwards!!
@MyGhastIsFlabbered yes it makes sense. I've done this a few times myself as in imagined how a person would be based on social media and it's never been real!
Forgot how rejection feels! Will have to grow a thick skin for this world of dating I guess! !

OP posts: