Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Debate about having Children

36 replies

singleedition · 18/12/2019 22:11

I've been dating this amazing guy for a while now, just over a year- I'm pretty sure he's the love of my life. We have an amazing connection, get on so well, he's caring, thoughtful and exceptionally sweet.

We were talking about marriage and kids when he dropped into the conversation that he doesn't want children, ever. Apparently this is the reason he broke up with his ex- she wanted children and he didn't so he ended it. I know in my heart that I 100% want children. I told him this, that I've alway imagined having children but wouldn't seriously consider actually having children for a few years as I've just qualified as a vet and want to get my career stable. He said that he doesn't want to break up but he wanted to be honest and we should put it on the back burner for now.

I'm so conflicted about what to do. I love this guy with all my heart but Im not sure I could imagine a life without children. At the same time I'm not sure I could imagine my life without him I've never had this kind of connection with anyone before. I'm 29 and I have PCOS with endometriosis so I know conceiving could be a challenge anyway and theres a super high possibility that If I split up with him then I'd never be able to have a child anyway.

At the same time I worry that if I stay and one of us ends up changing our minds they'll end up resenting the other.

I'm so conflicted about whether to rip the band aid off now and split up or whether to leave it on the back burner as he suggests and revisit the situation a bit further down the line.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for on here to be honest, just some advice and opinions I guess

Lauren x

OP posts:
Iggypoppie · 18/12/2019 22:15

Just leave him, you will grow to resent him. You're in your prime. I wasted many childbearing years and regret it hugely.

Iggypoppie · 18/12/2019 22:19

Sorry if that sounded too harsh, but there's no two ways about it. If you want to know true sadness it's the regret of not having a child if you want to be a parent. Also, if there may be complications you don't have time to waste tbh. The next 5 - 10 years will absolutely race by.

Intheheat · 18/12/2019 22:21

There's another similar thread on this subject that was posted yesterday or the day before. Might help you to read through that. At least he has been very straight with you but it is a big compromise for you to make given that you have always wanted children.

Original poster
singleedition · 18/12/2019 22:21

@Iggypoppie

It didn't sound harsh at all, deep down I know you're right the whole situation just sucks I guess!

Thanks for your reply! x

OP posts:
Original poster
singleedition · 18/12/2019 22:22

@Intheheat

Oh thank you, I'll take a look x

OP posts:
Breastfeedingworries · 18/12/2019 22:24

Has he said why he doesn’t want them and explained?

Tough one Flowers

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 18/12/2019 22:24

He's already left one relationship because of this issue so it sounds like it's set in stone.

You can make a decision. Stay with him and either decide to just have fun. No commitment. With the absolute knowledge that you will break up eventually to peruse the father of your children. Or end it now before you really fall for him.

anomoony · 18/12/2019 22:25

This is really sad but I recommend you break it off now instead of leaving the issue on the back burner. You 100% know you want children, he is just as adamant he does not want any, if you stay together there will be resentment. And ending the relationship later will hurt even more.

It took me 8 years to have my first child after I started trying. Don't stay with him for years just to waste your childbearing years away.

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 22:25

You need to leave now rather than wasting more time with him and getting more invested. He should have been straight with you from the beginning.

He said that he doesn't want to break up but he wanted to be honest and we should put it on the back burner for now.

Of course he fucking did! Why wouldn't he? Put it on the backburner so he can enjoy himself more and string you along. Do not fall for it.

It's funny, too, how all these men who 100% never want kids never have vasectomies and many expect the woman to do all the contracepting.

He is not the love of your life because you are incompatible.

Iggypoppie · 18/12/2019 22:27

@singleedition it totally does suck. I got divorced at 35 and became a single parent at 36, which has been so worth it but I nearly missed out completely. I even joined Gateway Woman (a lifesaver group for the involuntary childless).

But if I was your age I'd grab the first kind, stable guy, date for 6 months then start ttc.

You owe it to your future self, best wishes for 2020 x

DefinitelyAWallflower · 18/12/2019 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whoops75 · 18/12/2019 22:27

Just over a year is no length, i think you should cut your losses.

There is more than one ‘love’ out there, I don’t think you need to settle.

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 22:28

I'm 29 and I have PCOS with endometriosis so I know conceiving could be a challenge anyway

And this isn't necessarily true. It's one thing to have tried and discovered you are truly infertile, yet another to never try at all for some guy.

Ginger1982 · 18/12/2019 22:29

You need to walk away. You will end up spending your life either trying to convince him or hoping he will change his mind. He either will and then end up resenting you because it's not what he wants, or you will and end up resenting him for doing you out of what you really want and it's then too late for you.

I think the fantasy of you having a child and him declaring that he always wanted kids but never knew it until that moment of holding his child, is often just that.

BonnyConnie · 18/12/2019 22:29

He deliberately didn’t tell you for a year (knowing full well that this would be a deal breaker for many people). He let you fall in love with you and is now using that deception to try to get you to sacrifice something so important to you. How could you be with someone who has been so unkind and manipulative.

Iggypoppie · 18/12/2019 22:30

Exactly @fruitcakeofhate better to try than give up all future hope for a guy.

mclover · 18/12/2019 22:32

Walk away. Men are great, but there is nothing like the love for your children.

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 22:33

Spot on, Bonny. I'd be beyond fucked off and I hope you find that soon because you are wasting your time with this one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2019 22:33

He said that he doesn't want to break up but he wanted to be honest and we should put it on the back burner for now.

Oh dear, no. He’s been clear he doesn’t want children and he’s heard you say you do so he’s fobbing you off as he doesn’t want you to end it.

The thing is OP that someone who doesn’t want what you do isn’t the man of your dreams. Your one true love shares the same hopes for their life as you do.

My lovely friend is you a few years down the line and bloody miserable. Her boyfriend said he didn’t want to be a parent so 6 months in she split up with him. She tried OLD and didn’t like it, he hadn’t met anyone else 6 months later so they fell back into being together. He said he’d never change his mind on kids and she told herself and him she wasn’t that fussed anymore. They moved in together. She realised she was lying to herself and was desperate for babies. They split up. Neither of them wanted to have to date again so they got back together. They’ve recently bought a house. She’s desperately broody again but doesn’t want to tell him as he’s been consistently honest and is starting to get a bit pissed off it keeps coming up. She’s walking into a future with a man who doesn’t share her dreams who’ll never give her what she wants. Yes she loves him but she’s tortured by recurrent and increasing broodiness and she’s so very fucking sad. As it’s been a few years now and they have the house she feels stuck.

You don’t have to do anything straight away but you don’t want the same things and you won’t make each other happy in the long run. It’s sad but no one is to blame. You also don’t want to have a baby with someone who’s not 100% committed. Spend 10 minutes reading threads on here by women who had children with a man who either wasn’t bothered or was actively resistant, it’s shit for everyone.

Original poster
singleedition · 18/12/2019 22:35

Thanks for all the advice ladies, I know you're right I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else to make sure I wasn't going crazy :)

For what its worth I think its partly my fault for not bringing up serious issues like marriage/kids sooner but you live you learn I guess

you're totally right @FruitcakeOfHate I just meant I'd been told when I was diagnosed that it can cause problems conceiving- I wasn't trying to diminish anyones infertility struggles or anything like that :)

Thanks for all the advice ladies- I really appreciate it :) x

OP posts:
LouisaJenny · 18/12/2019 22:37

I’ve been exactly where you are OP. Except in my scenario he changed his mind about kids as we’d talked about it from the start.

After about 2-3 months weighing up my options I decided to break it off. It was really so hard as like you I thought he was the love of my life, couldn’t imagine life without him.

I was chatting to a friend when I was still deciding what to do and she said ... its simple, you’re incompatible. That really hit home for me. I thought we had an amazing relationship but actually, having a baby was the biggest thing for me and us not being on the same page really did mean we were incompatible.

Its been 6 months now since we split and on reflection I’m really glad we did. I miss him at times but I know I’d resent him if we carried on and I missed my chance to be a mum.

Wishing you all the best OP.

FruitcakeOfHate · 18/12/2019 22:39

I posted on the other thread. I am 49 and know FIVE, count 'em, FIVE women who gave up having kids for a guy who then changed his mind when they were in their mid-40s, 'just found someone, wasn't expected it' younger women married them and became Mr Family Man. It's too late for those women.

Don't become one of them.

Original poster
singleedition · 18/12/2019 22:47

I think the thing that was odd to me is that when his ex brought up having kids with him they'd apparently been together 4 Years and he broke up with her straight away so I suppose the idealistic part of me naively thought that because he said he didn't want to break up with me that it might mean he'd change his mind over time.

Obviously I know thats a completely naive thought and the more I think about it not a chance I want to take!

You're right @FruitcakeOfHate I definitely don't want to become one of those- having a child is just too important to me and if that happened I'd be absolutely heartbroken

I think I'll leave it over Christmas and then have the difficult conversation in January.

Thanks Ladies- its so nice to be able to come on here and get some support and advice xx

OP posts:
CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 18/12/2019 22:52

and we should put it on the back burner for now.

This is selfish. Your fertility has a time limit. Alright for him, he can produce children well into his golden years. Ask my DCs, they have uncles that are 15 years younger than themHmm. He wants to have his fun and dismiss your biological clock. Then he'll walk away, with big drama ostensibly due to the issue once the 'in love' stage has passed and it's less painful for him.

For what its worth I think its partly my fault for not bringing up serious issues like marriage/kids sooner but you live you learn I guess

No. Wanting a child is still the default for most people. The onus was on him to declare his stance straight away.

And as a PP said, why hasn't he had a vasectomy?

1300cakes · 18/12/2019 22:55

It's good that he has been honest with you from the start. I would say split now before you get deeper in. Neither of you has done anything wrong so if you split now it can be amicable and you can think back with fondness on the good times you had. Rather than a bitter divorce 10 years from now.