Debate about having Children

[singleedition]

I've been dating this amazing guy for a while now, just over a year- I'm pretty sure he's the love of my life. We have an amazing connection, get on so well, he's caring, thoughtful and exceptionally sweet.

We were talking about marriage and kids when he dropped into the conversation that he doesn't want children, ever. Apparently this is the reason he broke up with his ex- she wanted children and he didn't so he ended it. I know in my heart that I 100% want children. I told him this, that I've alway imagined having children but wouldn't seriously consider actually having children for a few years as I've just qualified as a vet and want to get my career stable. He said that he doesn't want to break up but he wanted to be honest and we should put it on the back burner for now.

I'm so conflicted about what to do. I love this guy with all my heart but Im not sure I could imagine a life without children. At the same time I'm not sure I could imagine my life without him I've never had this kind of connection with anyone before. I'm 29 and I have PCOS with endometriosis so I know conceiving could be a challenge anyway and theres a super high possibility that If I split up with him then I'd never be able to have a child anyway.

At the same time I worry that if I stay and one of us ends up changing our minds they'll end up resenting the other.

I'm so conflicted about whether to rip the band aid off now and split up or whether to leave it on the back burner as he suggests and revisit the situation a bit further down the line.

I'm not even sure what I'm looking for on here to be honest, just some advice and opinions I guess

Lauren x

He won't change his mind. Or he'll string you along until you're too old and then dump you and get married and someone pregnant within a year. I've seen this happen over and over. Of course he doesn't want to break up right now. This should really piss you off and I hope it does pronto because he's very classic String Along Bloke. Again, funny how many of these blokes have never walked the walk and had themselves sterilised despite being so adamant they never want kids. Keeping options open, more like.

There's no need for any conversation. It's simple, as the poster up the thread said, 'You are incompatible'. 'We're not compatible. We want different things in life and I owe it to myself to be true to that. I deserve more than being strung along. So this relationship has run its course and we need to split and move on.'

And yes, next time, you get the truth out of the person right away. He should have been straight with you from the off. Not on. And the whole 'we should put it on the backburner' is total pish.

@singleedition Just remember it's entirely natural to want kids you will gravitate towards people who think the same. It's a great adventure and even better to have a willing partner along for the ride. X

From the start? Nah, he waited a year and now suggests the OP stick around for more when the mature, unselfish thing would be to admit you're incompatible and set yourselves free to find someone you're compatible with.

Dont see how.

What's selfish is his 'put it on the back burner for now' stance, which requires the op hang around potentially jeopardising her own fertility and chance to have children in the meantime. But it's alright for him because as a man, barring some illness or accident, he has practically his entire life to have children. I'm sure the OP has mentioned her PCOS and endometriosis but he's still asking her to carry on and not think about it for now.

And they've been dating a year, so no he hasn't told her from the off. He waited until she got all feelings and emotionally entangled, and the conversation randomly came up.

Has he said why he doesn’t want them and explained?
He doesn't need to explain his perfectly valid choice.

Sorry but I think leave too. You'll end up wasting years and resenting him otherwise and you may need that time with someone else to make your motherhood dream come true X

Leave him. Ideally he should have said this up front - certainly the back burner comment was well out of order.

@DefinitelyAWallflower

To be honest there's been no convincing on either side, hence why I said I wouldn't want either of us resenting the other. The discussion has literally only just came up in our relationship after one of our friends announced their own pregnancy.

He isn't a bad guy at all and I truly don't believe he meant anything in a malicious or sneaky way. I think he does care about me and is naturally reluctant to end the relationship as am I which is generally hard in any situation.

I do see what you mean about only getting one side of the story though.

At the same time I do agree with what the other posters are saying about us not being compatible and that can only unfortunately end in a (hopefully amicable) breakup x