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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I learn to stop being needy?

29 replies

TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 18/12/2019 20:21

Just that really.... I am a needy person and I want to learn how to chill the hell out and stop being so needy. I can see these really unattractive qualities in myself but dont know how to change them probably because I've been like this for so long.

I exercise some quite unhealthy behaviours eg stalking ex boyfriends on facebook and instagram on a daily basis, checking people's watsapp to see what they were last active and then being annoyed they havent replied to me etc. I realise how silly this is and it annoys me so much.

I'm newly dating and I just feel I'm too needy and highly strung to do what everyone recommends which is just to 'relax and enjoy it's. I wouldnt date me!!

Any advice?

OP posts:
Campurp · 18/12/2019 20:22

Get a therapist to help unpick why you feel compelled to do these things.

wellthatwasthat · 18/12/2019 20:29

What was/is your relationship like with your parents?

Original poster
TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 18/12/2019 20:30

Brilliant. It always has been.

OP posts:
LeoAugust13 · 18/12/2019 20:42

Maybe you have too much time on your hands? I mean that I’m the nicest way! Try to make yourself busy. Not the same problem as you but some context - I used to get annoyed with small things and constantly try to air outta grievances. I had behaviours like a drama queen but now with small kids and zero tome to myself I have no time for any dramas. My sister had a huge fight with my (11 years older than me) but I just kept civil to her - that would definitely not have happened a few years ago!! Get a hobby or just focus on something else. Keep busy

Dorri82 · 18/12/2019 21:00

YouTube Alan robarge. He's got loads of different videos around attachment trauma x

namechangenancy1 · 18/12/2019 21:54

I'm quite like this in that I absolutely hate being alone. I was never one for sitting in my room when I lived with my dad. We'd always watch tv together and I'd just go to my room when I was going to go to sleep, so sitting watching tv alone is not something I am used to/enjoy. Now the odd night that DP wants to go on Xbox I'm just totally lost and feel weird just sitting myself. Usually I tidy up and go to bed at 8pm 😂. DP keeps telling me I need to get a hobby and learn to just enjoy my own company!

(Sorry, nothing constructive to offer)

FlorenceJune · 18/12/2019 21:57

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife I could have written this 😢. Hugs to you. I’ve just come out of a year long very casual relationship, more of a FWB type thing really (of which I desperately wanted more and clung on to any scrap of attention). He played very much by the rules, hardly any contact apart from arranging to meet every few weeks, very cagey about his life, never wanting to be drawn into a conversation etc, me on the other hand, frantically stalking FB, checking WhatsApp constantly, even going so far as to catfish him just to try and get some info from him 😢😢. I wish I could offer some practical advice to you, but just know you aren’t alone ❤️

Happiedays · 18/12/2019 21:59

You don't... You realise this is who you are and accept it. People say i am too sensitive... And at work that's seen as wet but sensitive people (according to research) not only feel more upset by things, they also have a higher emotional output with love and happiness etc. Swings and roundabouts I guess...

PlasticPatty · 18/12/2019 22:00

Definitely therapy. You become startlingly un-needy!

Sprinklemetinsel · 18/12/2019 22:13

Learn how to meet your own needs! I married a man who really doesn't manage to show the support and love I'd like. It was very hard, I felt constantly let down.

I learned not to rely on him and to take full responsibility for my emotional state. I don't expect him to cheer me up, coax me, pander to me in any way. Which is lucky as 25 years later he still doesn't! I'm much happier because I'm not disappointed, and I'm very resilient and self reliant.

It's not the template for a prefect marriage- but becoming self sufficient in the first place make you stronger when you're in a relationship.

absopugginglutely · 18/12/2019 22:24

I was like this before my husband and I got serious.
It’s called an anxious attachment style and is down to how your primary caregiver was towards you in your early years.
Read about it and give yourself a break, it’s not easy and can also be healed in loving trusting relationships.

AnFiadhRuaRua · 18/12/2019 23:26

I recommend watching every single one of Alan Robarge clips about relationships on you tube, and also Brianna McWilliams who talks about attachment styles. She really ''spoke'' to me.

That sound time consuming, but honestly, having watching about 150 hours of ''therapy'' online, I've made a lot of headway.

There were things I knew rationally and intellectually and I have pushed them deeper now, going over them and over them and over them. And dating as well. Learning lessons :-|

lexiepuppy · 18/12/2019 23:45

As above start researching attachment styles.
Also look at codependency.
Start looking at your childhood. Did you have dismissive, emotionally absent parents?
Did they show love?
We're they abusive, physically, emotionally, psychologically?

Were they cold and distant?

Were they inconsistent?

Did they love you unconditionally or did you only feel loved if you met their conditions?
E.g Good school grades.

Did they have addictions?

I am trying to unravel my abusive childhood and understand the way I am!

Good luck! Flowers

Original poster
TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 19/12/2019 11:37

Oh gosh I literally had the PERFECT childhood. I couldnt fault it. Both parents were and still continue to be loving, supportive. They are wonderful people.

OP posts:
Cream5 · 19/12/2019 11:53

Personally to stop myself obsessing in the same ways i changed my settings on whatsapp so i cant see last time online (And others cant see mine). It stops it in its tracks.
I also came off of Facebook as i found myself doing things like you that werent healthy or a good use of time.
It was the best way for me to change my behaviour. I came off facebook in March, the first month was tough but not since then.
I highly recommend it. Youre not missing anything. These people that say "I like to keep in touch with xyz via facebook...". Why? If they arent in your actual life, whats the point... same for exs.

Interestedwoman · 19/12/2019 12:11

If people say they have the 'perfect' childhood there can sometimes be something there the person's not realized/is in denial about. It might be worth you thinking over some more. I knew someone who thought they'd had a perfect childhood, until the sunk into a long depression in their late teens/early 20s. Turns out that on the surface everything was perfect, but the family never expressed negative emotions, they always had to act as if everything was tickety-boo etc.

As to the FB stalking etc, I used to do this but stopped doing it- maybe when my life happened to get a bit busier. Are you lonely or bored in general? Perhaps you could go along to some stuff to make more friends etc, or make sure you see your existing friends more regularly.

Therapy may also have had a knock-on effect that I do the FB stalking etc less- it makes you a bit more focused on trying to improve your own life.

'I'm newly dating and I just feel I'm too needy and highly strung to do what everyone recommends which is just to 'relax and enjoy it's. I wouldnt date me!!'

The thing is they don't have to know. In terms of outcomes in a relationship, to an extent feelings are harmless, it's whether or how you act on them that counts. For instance if you want to text them excessively, just don't. It takes a bit of willpower but means that you don't risk putting the person off you.

So the only person who has a less good experience as a result of you not being able to relax into dating etc, is you. It really might be worth you having therapy to address how you feel, just so that you can enjoy life even more.

Best wishes xxxxx

PlausibleSuit · 19/12/2019 12:35

Oh gosh I literally had the PERFECT childhood. I couldnt fault it. Both parents were and still continue to be loving, supportive. They are wonderful people.

You might be feeling the pressure to live up to an idealised standard, maybe? If you see your parents as perfect there's possibly an underlying feeling that you need to be unrealistically perfect in the context of being in a relationship and all that entails too.

Armchair at best, that, so just a guess from a well-wisher.

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/12/2019 12:38

Are partners potentially not matching up to the unconditional love support and 'perfect' relationship your parents offered you OP? And you ste unwittingly making comparisons. Therapy is always helpful even if you think you don't need it!

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2019 12:45

Are you sure it's needy? Because it could be something else. It could for example be entitlement. You feel people should respond exactly when you wish, that you've a right to know exactly what they are doing, that you should be a priority. etc.

The fact you say you get annoyed, and not depressed, upset etc, indicates it's more entitlement than needyness.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 19/12/2019 12:48

Oh gosh I literally had the PERFECT childhood. I couldnt fault it. Both parents were and still continue to be loving, supportive. They are wonderful people.

Well, that makes me suspicious right off. Nobody had the PERFECT childhood, and no parents are perfect. My parents are good, kind people, and I had everything I materially needed growing up, and nothing notably bad happened to me, but it wasn't perfect.

What sits under that "perfect"? The expectation that you feel constantly grateful for being cared for? A very strong desire for a "perfect" surface and the negative feelings not being acknowledged or named? Overanxious parents hovering too intrusively? I don't know - it was your life - but I don't buy "perfect", sorry.

random9876 · 19/12/2019 12:49

A couple of my more emotionally high octane friends have come off social media channels for this sort of reason. They talked about stuff like seeing their WhatsApp had been read but not getting a reply - if you are this way inclined social is a disaster. Are you into exercise? What makes you feel good about yourself, and relaxed? Do more of these things

random9876 · 19/12/2019 12:51

I‘d also say, if you DO date and get a bit stressy, just remind yourself it is a feeling, nothing more or less. Don‘t turn it into a meta-worry, more people than you think are anxious types x

Woollycardi · 19/12/2019 13:25

If you're in for a long term commitment to yourself, start by noticing when you are stalking (sorry that's my word, I appreciate you might not want to use it) and then when that feels shit and uncomfortable start trying to see when you get the urge to do it and see if you can stop yourself from indulging. And then try and sit with not doing it and try and listen to what's going on for you in that moment. It may feel shit, just as a heads up. It's an addiction, and you are doing it for a reason. It's the same for all of us, it's up to your whether you want to unpick it or not, perfect childhood or not, we all have our shit.

Woollycardi · 19/12/2019 13:26

Sorry just realised you used the word stalking too so don't feel so bad now!

RuffleCrow · 19/12/2019 13:30

I'm always suspicious when someone with mental health / relationship problems describes their relationship with their parents as 'brilliant'. Have you heard of codependency and enmeshment op?

Clingy people are often codependent. I was.