Surely it's not abusive/controlling/bullying to expect someone to do their share in the house, is it?

[AvaGrace412]

DH rarely does anything in the house and at the moment has just stopped doing the very few jobs he does do, such as put the bins out or walk the dogs.

Each time I try to talk to him about it he says I'm being controlling, or abusive, or a bully.

I don't think I am; I'm just sick of not just doing everything but of him deliberately making mess and not doing the little bit he normally does.

Anyone?

He's gaslighting you.

Has he given any reason as to why he has stopped doing these things?
Have you stopped doing the bits you do that benefit him (e.g. if you do his laundry)m

I hope you've stopped cooking for him, doing his dishes, his groceries, and his laundry.

Why are you doing everything? Just don't do it. Sort yourself out and leave him to look after himself.

If he won't have a reasonable adult conversation about this then I'd stop doing anything for him. No laundry, meals etc. And if he makes a mess, tidy by tipping it all into a bin bag - mixing together rubbish and things he might want to keep.

Each time I try to talk to him about it he says I'm being controlling, or abusive, or a bully.

He’s trying to train you to keep your mouth shut and just put up with his shitty behaviour.

Does he have any redeeming features?

He’s trying to train you to keep your mouth shut and just put up with his shitty behaviour.
^
This

No it’s not, having you ask for help and him throwing it back in your face is bullying, and twisting the situation so he doesn’t have to do his share is controlling!

He’s doing what he can to get you to divorce him. I’d oblige.

I never understand how a grown man can exist in a home with his wife and do nothing and then complain when asked to or your a nag. He sees you as a mum replacement and I agree with others it’s time for you to either have it out adult to adult and in the meantime look after yourself only and let him understand he is your husband not your son

Definitely tidy his crap into the bin if he leaves it lying about. And don't do any of "his" laundry. Or cook, shop for him.

Wow! He’s something else isn’t he?! For the record is it’s perfectly reasonable to expect and request that someone does their fair share of cleaning, childcare, cooking, washing etc etc

Abusive men, when challenged, often accuse their partner of abuse.

Do you have children?

He's a lazy, gas-lighting arsehole. Do you have children? Cause in my experience this behaviour will get a million times worse if you have kids with him and he believes you are "stuck".

Google "DARVO".

He's reversing the victim order, he is the abusive one and he is controlling you by gaslighting you into wondering if you are abusing him.

Hope you don't have children with this fine specimen of a man. He's really not a keeper.

I completely agree hes training you to put up shut up

People who do suffer abuse very rearly recognise it, let alone speak out loud. Often the abuser makes out they are a victim.

I'd think on really dont spend your life looking after him. You deserve more

In his mindset he thinks that you are the housekeeper that he gets to go to bed with.
At the very least is a lazy bastard and at the worst he's an emotionally abusive MF!

In answer to your question no it's not emotionally abusive, controlling or bullying to ask for help with the housework but in his mind that's what you're there for. Basically he has zero respect for you as a person or an equal.
He won't change. He will probably become more passive aggressive by doing crappy half hearted jobs of anything you ask him to do.

It's worth reading Lundy Bancroft 'Why Does He Do That' which will give you some insight.

No, you're not abusive.

You’re not abusive. Are you doing his laundry? Stop doing it immediately. Stop cooking for him. Just cook for yourself. Wonder how he’s going to react when he’s not being fed. When he accuses you of being abusive by not feeding him say “excuse me. Are you ordering me to cook your meals? That’s bullying. I’m not paid to be your chef. You can cook your own meals until you are prepared to have a sensible and non rude discussion about how the housework is split”

We have two children, ages are 9 and 12. He's been a lot worse/nastier since the youngest was born.

He's in a mood now as I asked him to put his cup in the dishwasher which led to him getting angry and saying I never do anything in the house then refusing to talk about it and saying 'he's not arguing with me'. He always does that, says nasty things then says he's not arguing with me if I object.

If he says you do nothing I would agree and then really do nothing!
Anything for the children carry on. ANYTHING for him - Stop.

He's been nasty and done nothing for 9 years! Wow. Why are you still with him?