Surely it's not abusive/controlling/bullying to expect someone to do their share in the house, is it?

[AvaGrace412]

DH rarely does anything in the house and at the moment has just stopped doing the very few jobs he does do, such as put the bins out or walk the dogs.

Each time I try to talk to him about it he says I'm being controlling, or abusive, or a bully.

I don't think I am; I'm just sick of not just doing everything but of him deliberately making mess and not doing the little bit he normally does.

Make a list of the jobs that need to be done, dusting, hoovering, bins, childcare, washings etc and ask him how he would prefer to split the chores up, evenly if you both work full time.
Put initials or colours against each for you, DH and the kids. That way everyone has some chores. Pay the kids sone pocket money for their chores and they can learn to save or spend etc.
Does he work? Do you? If you don’t work I can see how he would expect you to be doing housework during the day while the kids are at school if he is also working all day. However come evening it’s only fair to split chores evenly as youve both done a days work each already. One does dinner, the other does dishes, one helps with homework the other makes packed lunches for the children or whatever.
I hate this attitude so many husbands have that they come home and play with the kids for ten minutes and then expect to be waited on hand and foot. Cheeky gits. You’re not a servant.

There is a baseline that you start from and then a process you follow through.

The baseline is that kindness and respect is to be proactively given to each other - anything less is intolerable.

Equal partnership with chores that you work together as a team to role model respectful and collaborative RS to your DCs - anything less is unacceptable.

Constructive, respectful communication and conflict resolution - anything less is undesirable.

The main aim of your partnership is to create a calm and peaceful home so that your DCs develop a stable emotional core.

Have a chat about these things with him.
Tell him this is what you want.
Ask does he want this too?
If so - we need a plan of behaviours and responsibilities agreed and actioned on.

If not - then you are sadly incompatible and it is best that you separate - as you can then provide the kind, respectful, calm and peaceful home environment alone and he / your incompatible RS is currently denying your DCs that v basic need.

He got angry and said you never do anything in the house?

You need to start making a list. A long one.

Just out of interest, how much in the way of chores do your dc do?

Do you both work?

Does he do anything with your DC? How does he treat them?

I remember someone took to texting their partner everytime they did something. It was every funny.

Start making plans, saving money, getting a job etc in good time for the day you tell him to fuck off completely.

Yes, we both have a business and work together.

I don't know why I've put up with it for all these years. I guess it's been very gradual. I wasn't well during my pregnancy with DS and was then ill after the birth and DH was really unkind and unhelpful to me then and it's just got worse.

No, you're not abusive. He is a lazy twat.

He's been nasty to you for 9 years?

He won't change OP. Can you start making plans to leave?

You need to be looking for a divorce lawyer.

HE is the controlling abusive bully
Is this what you want for your life?

@AvaGrace412 - Look up "projection" and all will become clear. I'd be making a plan to leave.

Here's an example from Wikipedia

He's the abusive one.

What do you want to do as he's never going to change ?