Should I be concerned about Grandad paying for these people?

[Happinessinapeartree]

Put this in relationships in hope I get some good advice. I've called my father in law grandad as my grown up children have also highlighted concerns.

My father in law is 85 and very fit and active. He lives 200 miles from us.

He was widowed 10 years ago after 50 years of marriage. He subsequently met a lady friend and they met up regularly and were a great comfort to each other, she was also a widower. Unfortunately she died two years ago.

So here is my dilemma. When with the Lady Friend (LF) my father in law paid for everything they did. He was in a position to do so and has that old school approach that the gentleman pays. Since LF passed away her family have stayed in touch and FIL sees them regularly. However my grown up children have increasingly noticed that FIL always pays for their extended family meals and drinks when they meet up, including a gathering for 12 of their family for one of their relatives birthdays. We've also noticed this and that FIL seems to pay for quite a lot of things. The daughter of the LF even said to my daughter (age 25) that she was like his daughter now.

We're staying with FIL at Christmas and he's just said all the LFs extended family will be meeting up with us for a meal out. I just know FIL will offer to pay. Should I step in and say something? Or keep my nose out?

I'm worried they are encouraging him to buy their friendship and starting to milk this situation.

Thanks for the update. I do think they sound like a group of potential freeloaders. Hope they genuinely are company/helpful for your FIL and not just when he is paying for meals. Glad they paid for drinks at least.

I hunk they do sound happy t take his money but you haven't said if they see him outside of these meals or how often it happens. We have extended family who were notorious for never putting their hands in their pocket, culminating in the memorable occasion of a big meal at a fairly fancy gastro pub at which point the husband pulled out £30 at end of meal to pay for him, his wife amd son and acted like he was being magnanimous! But it's an attitude thing in that knowing that his mother in law and extended family all have more money than him there was (Is) this sort of feeling like, "well they can afford it os why should I have to pay?" It wasn't nice, nor appreciat4d it, but it also isn't him attempting to fleece anyone.

Which might well be happening there. The odd meal he's happy to pay for in order to see them etc isn't a big deal. Especially if 5they see him at other times. But it doesn't make them necessarily nice people.

Sorry, typing on iPad.

I was perfectly friendly and magnanimous but made it clear we were watching and checking so think the message has been made.

So sad and difficult as I don't want to undermine his friendships and infantilise a grown man but something isn't right with it all.

Glad we're here until the New Year at least.

I'd be worried in your shoes, it does sound like they are deliberately taking advantage. Surely no normal person let's someone they have no real connection to pay for a £1000 meal?

Your definition of just comfortable is very different to mine, he must be a rich man.

My dad is a bit like this, and it annoys me. I've started insisting the bill is split now and just hope LF's family are doing the same

How awful if they're taking advantage. Were they appreciative? Did they thank him properly and with any warmth? Was he included in the conversations and did you feel they have affection for him? I think you did the right thing. No way should he be paying for 12 people! Even for the cheapest pub meal with drinks that would be £150-200. I couldn't go along with that even if I did him favours like shopping etc. If it was a one-off and he was insisting then it's hard to say no in that situation but then you have a talk and say you don't want him paying all the time and that some times you'd all like to treat him.

I think they do have affection for him, yes. But also that they can't believe their luck to have him as part of their 'extended' family.

I know it sounds harsh, but if he had no money and lived in the poor part of the wider area I just don't think they would bother. For example, they say they like to visit him in the summer and sit in his lovely garden. If he didn't have a big lovely garden, would they still visit? I'm just not sure.

But, FIL really likes their company. They are quite loud so he gets to sit and listen to lots of stories around who isn't talking to who and arguments with neighbours and so on.

It is what it is I suppose.

It’s difficult we take DM out for a meal every week but she always insists on paying - so we do the - ok we’ll buy the desserts, 2nd round of drinks, coffee etc
It’s also awkward because I don’t feel I can order anything more expensive!
DM would be upset if she couldn’t treat us though so it’s difficult
I try and think well we run her around a lot etc
What do they do for FIL? Maybe stuff you don’t see

The will is all secured in a trust and money tied up so they could never get near it, but they don't know that

Any way this could be mentioned somehow in front of them?

Any way this could be mentioned somehow in front of them?

I don't think I'd let them know that. If they are just taking advantage, they might just up the ante to see what they can get, knowing that that's their only opportunity. Hopefully them realising that the situation has been noted might dissuade them