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Original poster

Should I be concerned about Grandad paying for these people?

61 replies

Happinessinapeartree · 18/12/2019 09:09

Put this in relationships in hope I get some good advice. I've called my father in law grandad as my grown up children have also highlighted concerns.

My father in law is 85 and very fit and active. He lives 200 miles from us.

He was widowed 10 years ago after 50 years of marriage. He subsequently met a lady friend and they met up regularly and were a great comfort to each other, she was also a widower. Unfortunately she died two years ago.

So here is my dilemma. When with the Lady Friend (LF) my father in law paid for everything they did. He was in a position to do so and has that old school approach that the gentleman pays. Since LF passed away her family have stayed in touch and FIL sees them regularly. However my grown up children have increasingly noticed that FIL always pays for their extended family meals and drinks when they meet up, including a gathering for 12 of their family for one of their relatives birthdays. We've also noticed this and that FIL seems to pay for quite a lot of things. The daughter of the LF even said to my daughter (age 25) that she was like his daughter now.

We're staying with FIL at Christmas and he's just said all the LFs extended family will be meeting up with us for a meal out. I just know FIL will offer to pay. Should I step in and say something? Or keep my nose out?

I'm worried they are encouraging him to buy their friendship and starting to milk this situation.

OP posts:
PersephoneandHades · 18/12/2019 09:53

I'd have a word with him and make sure he realises that he's paying every time he meets them, he may not see what it happening.

On the other hand he may be totally aware and enjoy treating them when he sees them, but you need to have that conversation to find out how he feels. Since you said he himself enjoys being treated occasionally I would hope that at some point LF's family would return the favour? Especially if they are saying they think of him as family...

Talk to him!

Pickitup · 18/12/2019 10:24

You say you live 200 miles from him. I suspect the "others" (not sure what to call them, sorry) may live closer.

Do they pop in on him and help him out, perhaps take him on days out and generally do bits and pieces for him that means he would like to treat them?
I know it is a generational thing for men to pay, my own father used to do the same and I do think people then expected it.

Is there any way you could get in touch before hand and suggest you all club together to pay for his meal and perhaps a voucher for a favourite place of his so he has something in the bank as it were?

2020BetterBeBetter · 18/12/2019 10:30

I can see that for eight years they will have had him as a father / grandfather figure in their lives and presumably he always paid in all of that time as well so they will see it as normal.

I can understand your concerns but think that unless he is meeting up with them and paying on a very regular basis and it’s causing him any financial difficulty, I wouldn’t say anything. He is quite possibly fully aware of the situation but is lonely and happy to effectively buy company - he might well think that rightly or wrongly he won’t see them either at all or very much if he doesn’t pay, and at his age he’s happy to go along with it especially with his family living so far away and presumably not visiting very often.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2019 10:40

When the bill comes I'd say 'OK, FIL has treated us all to a lot of meals etc... so we will all cover him and treat him on this occasion. That is £25 per person. How do you want to pay?'
See what they say.
I'd be more than happy to cover his Christmas meal if he had been 'treating' me all year!
Their response and his, will tell you a lot!

Steenac72 · 18/12/2019 11:10

We have this issue within our family. My grandmother is very generous but only on a pension. If my family do anything with her we always insist on paying even though she always offers - the other family (cousins) seem to always be inviting her out and she always pays! I think it is taking advantage of someone’s good nature. I would definitely go with your approach of let’s treat grandad to see their reaction - there is no harm in doing that. You will get an idea of their nature. If they put their hand in their pocket then maybe your grandad just likes to treat - if they’re reluctant then it’s more they are taking advantage - it should at the very least be taking it in turns.

Heartburn888 · 18/12/2019 11:37

He sounds like he’s lonely and enjoys the company from LFs family and sis kind enough to treat them?

Maybe suggest him coming to live closer to you to spend more time together with his real family?

forumdonkey · 18/12/2019 12:09

Have you met these people? You're a long way away and they might genuinely be looking out for him and including him so he's not alone. How often is he buying them meals, every week or a few times a year?

category12 · 18/12/2019 12:21

The daughter of the LF even said to my daughter (age 25) that she was like his daughter now.

If he feels the same, that they are family, then that's nice for him, and for them, in memory of his partner.

You might feel a bit threatened by his closeness to them, but if they provide company and joy to him, while you're 200 miles away, I don't think you should grudge it. That generation do tend to insist on paying.

Butterflycookie · 18/12/2019 12:34

I would say something to him. They seem to be taking him for granted

user1479305498 · 18/12/2019 13:49

Well if he has tied up his money in trust and they are milking it- they are going to get a surprise, I would keep an eye on it but if he is 100% with it, then he may well get the gist at some point and work things out for himself. He may however like doing it, so not much you can do about it,

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/12/2019 14:06

I would verbally offer to pay as you described OP- saying it would be nice to treat him and certainly you'd like to pay for yourself regardless. Seeing if and how they follow suit would be illuminating if nothing else.

I wouldn't want my grandparents paying for a meal of that high an amount when people can easily chip in for food they're eating. I'm sure he gets them xmas gifts too so is treating them then. A meal for 12 is surely an excessive cost.

Patroclus · 18/12/2019 14:53

Id probably keep a very close eye on how they act first then decide what to do.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/12/2019 15:32

Sounds like they are ripping the financial PISS out of this lonely man... I mean COME ON... 12 people for a family meal? and how often?

Stop this crap NOW Flowers

Floralnomad · 18/12/2019 15:42

If your FIL is mentally capable why can’t you just voice your concerns to him . What you can’t do is embarrass them , and potentially your FIL by springing it on them at the end of a meal if they think it’s a meal that is being paid for . Your FIL may really value their friendship and enjoy treating them , if they are more local to him than you presumably they would be the people he would call upon if he had an emergency at home or needed a lift to a hospital appt etc .

Aveisenim · 18/12/2019 15:52

I'd say something and suggest in advance that you all treat him. My GP was fleeced by blood relatives and it ended up going to court. This stuff does happen, GP still has mental capacity too, they're not immune. I insist on paying for stuff when we see my GP and have done ever since my other GP died, in part due to accusations that kept being thrown my way by said fleecing family members. Talk to him about it, but bear in mind he may not be open or willing to accept it, my GP wasn't and it caused friction for a long time.

Kit19 · 18/12/2019 15:58

If it worries you that much talk to your FIL but be prepared that he may politely say that it's none of your business

WheresMyChocolate · 18/12/2019 16:05

Talk to him before hand and tell him that you want to treat him this time. Then when the bill comes if he gets out his wallet you can remind him to put it away this time. Then ask the others how they want to pay for their share. I expect they're expecting him to pay so may be a bit put out, which will be interesting to witness.

FreyaMountstuart · 18/12/2019 16:10

Do what @WheresMyChocolate suggested!

rookiemere · 18/12/2019 16:13

In your situation I'd watch and see what happens when the bill comes. I think you'd be in a better position to have a proper conversation with your granddad after the event, if indeed a conversation is needed.

See if they offer to pay and just importantly, see how they interact with him. It may be that treating them gives him a huge amount of pleasure and if he has a good pension and doesn't spend on much else then maybe there's nothing to be concerned about.

Original poster
Happinessinapeartree · 18/12/2019 17:41

Thank you everyone.

I think I'm not going to say anything this time and observe and then maybe have a quiet word with FIL if it feels needed or right at a later point.

It's a very large group for the meal on Boxing Day so for him to pay will come to near £800-£1000. I think by anyone's standards that would elicit some comment.

I'm also taking into account I may have this wrong and others will jump in and pay!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 18/12/2019 17:48

I agree that it will be very interesting to see how they all react when the bill arrives
If they offer to pay their share then fine but if they expect it then I would say that they are taking the piss

Original poster
Happinessinapeartree · 26/12/2019 17:33

So, an update.

Spoke to FIL and he said he was paying for the food and others could pay for alcohol.

Sort of happened. Begrudgingly from some. FIL keeps saying how they've been so good to him so we went with it.

The family is quite rough, to be frank. I know that sounds judgmental but can't think how else to put it. Lots of infighting, digs and scoring points off each other. I just observed.

DH and I will keep a closer eye on the situation going forward as still feel a bit concerned. Just want to make sure he doesn't feel he has to 'buy' their friendship.

OP posts:
WheresMyChocolate · 26/12/2019 17:49

The 'begrudgingly from some' bit says it all really. They're milking him.

onalongsabbatical · 26/12/2019 17:57

Thanks for the update OP. Inconclusive. I think you're absolutely right to keep an eye and still be concerned. It's worrying that with him treating them to a meal any of them had the effrontery to begrudge paying for their drinks. Do you think they know you're keeping an eye on their behaviour?

Dozer · 26/12/2019 18:01

Yeah, they’re cheeky fuckers and users, at best. DH should discuss with FIL.

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