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Original poster

My alcoholic ex wants the kids over the holidays

28 replies

Sic99 · 17/12/2019 20:43

I need some help in answering a message from my ex without inflaming an already v fragile truce. We split a year and a half ago over his drinking and lies. It was a very brutal and messy break up and we only communicate over text/ email and it's strictly about the kids. He takes them to school/ picks up most days and has them over for sleepovers in the week. Weekends didn't work as it interfered with his social life and frankly this situation suits me well. I am NC with his entire enabling toxic family. And I've cut all contact with mutual friends. Necessary for my sanity. I have previously refused holidays because I dint trust him. Or his family. But he has now asked me to consider the idea of taking them away over Easter. Abroad. It's a big fat no to me. I have no idea what his drinking is like. He managed to collect them for drop offs mid week. But that means nothing in terms of what he does weekends and my experience of holidays is that it's his cue to get shit faced. I am not comfortable with holidays and don't see why I should give him the benefit of the doubt. We were together for 15 miserable years. But I don't want another row over this. Any suggestions how to deal?

OP posts:
thejoysofboys · 17/12/2019 20:47

How old are your children? Are they old enough to have any view on this fir themselves?

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 20:47

He went to rehab twice when we were together. Seems more stable now, but that's only based on v limited insight into midweek activity with kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 20:48

They're only 8 and 10. So no. They will want to say yes.

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 17/12/2019 20:50

Just say no. It’s not safe until they are considerably older.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/12/2019 20:52

I'd need some clear evidence that he was capable of having them overnight first, then work up to a weekend away. This is too much too soon.

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 20:52

Thanks. I wish he'd just drop it and take responsibility for a situation he's created. He will use it as another opportunity for telling me I'm a bitch

OP posts:
BadgertheBodger · 17/12/2019 20:55

I think he needs to work at building up some trust. So, for me, he’d need to have them for some weekends and preferably not drink, perhaps building to a long weekend Feb half term in the UK without mishap before going away at Easter. Where is he wanting to take them? Europe?

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 20:59

Yes, somewhere in Europe. Hasn't said where, but says it would just be 3 of them. Thing is, he's also a compulsive liar. I think its reasonable for me to say my trust is broken and I don't think I can just hope for the best...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 21:01

He also has no self control. Whatever his good intentions. He may have miraculously had a personality transplant, but I somehow doubt it

OP posts:
BadgertheBodger · 17/12/2019 21:08

I think you have to say no then. It’s just far too much of a risk, and your kids are too young to cope. I know that puts you in a shitty situation Flowers

dancemom · 17/12/2019 21:10

The thing is though that he's their parent and has just as much right to take them on holiday or have them overnight as you do.

Unless there is any evidence of neglect he would be given permission by the courts if it went that far.

So I'd suggest starting overnights / weekends to build up to him having them for holidays and monitoring the situation

MitziK · 17/12/2019 21:16

The courts don't always give permission when they know that the parent making the application has been treated for alcoholism with repeated stints in rehab. Especially if he can't (or won't) disclose where/who with.

Uptheshard · 17/12/2019 21:19

Just say no. Empower yourself. My ex is a liar and alcoholic. I couldnt trust him to pick them up from school without bypassing the bar so I understand your anxiety. Arent they
Scared of him ?

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 21:29

No. He's just incredibly irresponsible and entitled. A manchild. Am going to say no. Dreading to barrage of abuse though. Wants everything his way and anyone who says no is a bitch in his eyes.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 17/12/2019 21:42

Please grit your teeth and say no, for your children's sakes. My childhood is blighted with the memories of the shame, embarrassment and feelings of impotence being trapped in situations with a Father that cared more about getting pissed than my welfare or comfort. The residual damage is immense.

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 21:45

Yes. It took me too long to leave him and they've been through enough. Thank you

OP posts:
BadgertheBodger · 17/12/2019 21:47

I would absolutely keep it to email then. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to justify your decision, it weakens your position. Just:
Dear Ex
I have thought about your suggestion of taking the kids abroad next year and I’m afraid I will not give consent for this. The main reasons are valid concerns about your drinking and the fact that you do not currently care for them for extended periods of time. For these reasons I will not consent to your taking them out of the country, however I would be happy to discuss the possibility of a break in the U.K. (only if you are, obviously)
Sic99

stophuggingme · 17/12/2019 21:51

If he’s an alcoholic why are you letting i him have them overnight already with him?
Do you think he is sober when he has them currently?
I think you’ve made a rod for your own back here because he actually has them overnight and away from you already.

Get it clear in your head why he is not fit to look after them if this is the case then really you should revisit the entire context issue through the courts otherwise you run the risk of being difficult rather than concerned

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 17/12/2019 21:56

Glad you're saying no. I'm in a similar position, but have only said yes because PIL will be there and I trust them with the kids.
I'd never trust him on his own with them.

I can imagine the kind of stuff that's going to get thrown at you. I have to avoid all contact after about 6pm otherwise I get the drunken abusive texts. Anything volatile like this gets sent in the morning so he has chance to process before he starts the booze - limits the abuse

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 22:19

He seems to hold it together mid week. The girls love him and like staying overnight with him. But weekends are a different story. He once secretly took them to a party and had to get an uber back and fuck knows what time in the morning. So never making that mistake ever again. He doesn't deserve to be trusted, so he has nothing to complain about now. Luckily never married. So never had to go through anything legal. Suspect rhat if he was stupid enough to try and push it through courts, he wouldn't stand a chance with his history

OP posts:
Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 22:21

Morning is v good idea

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 17/12/2019 22:26

I just couldn't cope with the abusive bollocks in the evening when I was trying to wind down before bed.

Horrible having to deal with this shite, isn't it. I still get horribly anxious when I have to have a difficult conversation with him.

Original poster
Sic99 · 17/12/2019 22:41

Yes. Brutal. His family all fanned it too. How old are your kids?

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 17/12/2019 22:43

7 and 10. Luckily his family are OK, and I'm on decent terms with them, which really helps.

It's been a while though, and it's getting easier.

stophuggingme · 17/12/2019 23:25

I don’t understand you
He seems to hold it together but gets so drunk at the weekend eh cannot take care do himself never mind two children.

Honestly I don’t know how you sleep the nights they are with him.
An alcoholic is an alcoholic and what if something happened the night he had them to tip him goer the edge?

I think you do need to separate the children loving him to his being sustainably fit to parent them. You cannot base that one when he is least likely to get drunk.