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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The secrets in the bedroom across the stairs

54 replies

TheCWord · 17/12/2019 18:35

Partner been sleeping in another room for 6 months now - we had a minor grouch and to be honest I like my space. He says he doesn't want to disturb me.. But when I logged on to his iPad and then onto Chrome, I can see he watches open most nights. I have hinted that I can guess what he is doing but he says he's watching YouTube. I feel sick. It doesn't make me feel attractive and I'm not that bad! I ask him to come upstairs but he doesn't. He smokes cannabis every night which I tell him I hate, so I don't even kiss him goodnight. Its my house, I can't leave, but I can't just boot him out either, I'm not unkind. But, what can I do?? I suppose I could turn the Internet off at night?
Any thoughts kind mums?

OP posts:

toodlethenoodle · 17/12/2019 21:21

Sorry OP it is very frustrating when you're drip feeding us subsequent posts. Tell the full story in the OP next time!!!

BaolFan · 17/12/2019 21:22

Boot him out - you aren't his Mum.

He smokes weed, doesn't show any affection, watches porn and sleeps in the spare room - hes not a partner, he's a lodger.

Grow a spine and get rid. Kicking him out isn't "unkind" - it's telling another adult that they need to take responsibility for their own life, because him being there isn't working for you anymore.

And as for him being broken and having had a shit life - sorry to hear this but he isn't a project and it's not your job to fix him. If you feel obliged to do so then perhaps you need to take a good look at your own role in this relationship. Co-dependency and enabling isn't healthy for you or him.

Love51 · 17/12/2019 21:27

You don't need an excuse to break up with him.
If you did, you have 3. Porn / using your house to commit a crime / seeing his ex girlfriend.
But actually 'you add nothing to my life, I'd rather be alone' is fine.

AudTheDeepMinded · 17/12/2019 21:31

Lots of people have had shit lives and manage to behave decently towards people they are supposed to love and respect.

mamato3lads · 17/12/2019 21:42

Leave, unless living with a masturbating lodger is your idea of a good relationship?

Unlikely.

Move on OP, find a great man and be happy

QueenOfOversharing · 17/12/2019 22:28

Life's too short to be miserable. This guy doesn't sound like he's bringing any joy to your life. You say his life is shit - that's his responsibility, and not a reason to make yours shit too.

I think you know what you need to do, and I do understand that waiting for a big reason to boot him out, but you don't need any more. You can simply say - reflecting on it all, you need to go.

Good luck.

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 17/12/2019 22:40

There is no relationship to repair.

Ohyesiam · 17/12/2019 22:43

Op you don’t need an excuse to bin him.

richteasandcheese · 18/12/2019 11:35

Oh fucking boohoo to his shit life. Just tell him to go. If he doesnt, dump his stuff outside and change the locks. You owe him nothing

ISmellBabies · 18/12/2019 11:38

You don't need an excuse! But even if you did, you've got one - he was cheating on you with his ex. Just tell him it's over and he has to leave. He has no right to be in your house!

nocluewhattodoo · 18/12/2019 11:39

It's not on you that he has had a shit life, and I'd bet a lot of the shit has been self inflicted. Don't let him drag you down with him, because that's what is happening - you are currently living a pretty shitty existence. You can change that by getting rid of the waster.

PersephoneandHades · 18/12/2019 12:20

You already have so many excuses to get rid of him, you're just choosing not to:

Cheating on you!!!
Smoking in YOUR house when he knows you don't want him to
Being emotionally unavailable
Being a git

Honestly OP, grow a spine and remove him from your property. 'he's damaged' who the hell isn't? You're not his mother and it's not your job to fix him.

1forAll74 · 18/12/2019 12:21

If you don't wish to bin off this useless man, and keep on living with his odious ways, then just do so,at your peril. And perhaps don't post about this lifestyle on here, because everyone on here,has given you the best advice today,to try and make you see sense, and have a better life eventually.

Gemma1971 · 18/12/2019 12:33

Does he pay the bills?

RLEOM · 18/12/2019 13:22

We've all had a shit life in some way or another - don't make excuses to stay with this man.

I had an ex who loved me to death. He was abusive because his dad had been when he was a child. He drank excessively because his dad did when he was a child. Did I deserve to be abused by an alcoholic who loved me, just because he was abused as a child? No. I left. I deserved more.

What is there to repair?

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 18/12/2019 13:51

He won't sleep with you.
He won't even kiss you.
He smokes weed every night.
He watches porn every night.
He has been sleeping with his ex.

I presume he has other bad qualities as well ... so what are his good qualities that outweigh all of that and make him worth it?

Cacklingmags · 18/12/2019 16:04

He is bringing his shit life into your home and giving you a shit life - get rid of him before he drags you all down.

PremierNaps · 18/12/2019 16:24

You don't need an excuse to "bin" a partner. You are living like housemates. If you aren't happy then get rid.

Gutterton · 18/12/2019 16:38

No not happy. But he is not a bad man. Just damaged. He has had a shit life

Sounds like you must have a shittier more damaged childhood than him if you find this treatment of you acceptable?

What was that like?

He sounds v comfortable and entitled - he is getting all of his needs met - a roof over his head, tolerance and space to indulge his addiction, sex from his ex / porn.

What needs do you have that he meets?

PerpetualCircle · 18/12/2019 21:23

He sounds like a leech. Your self esteem must be in the gutter to put up with this guy. Give him x amount of weeks to leave and tell him you will be changing the locks if he doesn’t leave by then. Good Luck.

Dery · 20/12/2019 07:36

There is no reason for this man to be in your house. You have no relationship. It’s not your job to look after him but anyway you’re not helping him by allowing him to treat you like sh1t which is what he’s doing. You’re enabling really destructive and self-destructive behaviour on his part. It’s nothing to do with kindness or unkindness. You only have this life - it’s not a dress rehearsal. Don’t waste it on this man. Please do some counselling or something to massively raise your self-esteem. You’re worth so much more.

KatherineJaneway · 20/12/2019 07:38

He's a cheating drug user who won't come near you?

Bun him, his shit life is his issue to fix.

KatherineJaneway · 20/12/2019 07:40

Bin not bun 🙄

Mrsmummy90 · 20/12/2019 07:47

100% dump him.

You've basically said that you don't like him and I don't blame you. Get rid and go enjoy your life x

Original poster

TheCWord · 26/12/2019 21:08

He has gone. I told him to go and he has. Don't know where he has gone but he has

Thank you for your support ladies

OP posts:

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