Hi all, NC as friends know my username.
I’ve been with my husband for about 8 years, married for 3, and I love him so very much. However I can’t get past previous problems he’s caused in our relationship.
The main incident was happening for 2 years on and off but I only discovered what had been going on last year.
We’d been together for 6 months and had just gotten engaged, and moved in together where he lived.
I moved away from all family, friends and familiarity to be with him though the move was temporary due to him studying.
I got a job very quickly which had me working 6pm-6am 4 days a week at first, then after 3 months I found a better paid one which had better hours - this is relevant honestly!
So it turns out he was on and off sending explicit messages to women and asking for (and getting) images of them masturbating and in other scenarios. I’m not sure if he was sending them, probably? He was talking about what he’d do to them etc for all of that time, he used a profile photo that wasn’t of him, so I’m not sure if anything physical happened.
The only reason I found this out was due to him still having an account (albeit it had, according to the website, been inactive for 4-5 years and there were no messages after early 2013) and getting a message from the website about updates t&cs.
I knew what the website was from hearsay and so logged in - he’s terrible and has similar passwords for everything so easy to do. I asked him about it and he swore he had knifes what it was about and acted shocked when I told him what I’d found. We argued for days, but in the end I said I would try to get past it as I was pregnant with our children.
The issue is I can’t get past it, as he supposedly can’t remember what happened, why he did it, if there were other websites or for how long he was doing it. He says he was so ashamed he’s repressed it, and says that he was probably all down to him being stupid, immature and suffering with MH issues from being a pre-teen.
It’s not enough for me though, i feel like it’s all so convenient that he’s forgotten all of it, and in order to get past this I feel I need to know everything.
Half truths, and the fact I found out for myself, have left me untrusting and feeling like it will happen again.
Aside from that lies about money come naturally to him, he’s hidden admittedly innocent messages to other women on his phone so I wouldn’t see them (so it didn’t cause an argument?!)
After we lost our first baby he was joining chat rooms to talk to strangers (supposedly about killing himself) and looking up his ex-girlfriend too, this was about 3 years ago.
Please, can somebody tell me how we can move past this? He’s asked what he can do to make this work and help me to trust him again, but apart from knowing all the details I just can’t think of a way,
He has suffered from depression and anxiety for a large portion of his life but I don’t feel this should mean he isn’t accountable for his actions or that he felt what he was doing was so insignificant he can’t remember ANYTHING about lying to someone he loved.
He says he’s so sorry, and ashamed of himself, and wishes he could change what he did or remember what happened so I can start healing, but he can’t.
I’ll never be as young, slim, and beautiful as I was back then, and he still did what he did, so despite him saying it won’t happen again what would stop him?!
I feel so inadequate and low, that I wasn’t good enough to hold his attention solely and deserve his love.
If you managed to read all of that thank you, and apologies for the long post.