How can I get past this?

[Decisionstobemade]

Hi all, NC as friends know my username.

I’ve been with my husband for about 8 years, married for 3, and I love him so very much. However I can’t get past previous problems he’s caused in our relationship.

The main incident was happening for 2 years on and off but I only discovered what had been going on last year.
We’d been together for 6 months and had just gotten engaged, and moved in together where he lived.
I moved away from all family, friends and familiarity to be with him though the move was temporary due to him studying.
I got a job very quickly which had me working 6pm-6am 4 days a week at first, then after 3 months I found a better paid one which had better hours - this is relevant honestly!
So it turns out he was on and off sending explicit messages to women and asking for (and getting) images of them masturbating and in other scenarios. I’m not sure if he was sending them, probably? He was talking about what he’d do to them etc for all of that time, he used a profile photo that wasn’t of him, so I’m not sure if anything physical happened.
The only reason I found this out was due to him still having an account (albeit it had, according to the website, been inactive for 4-5 years and there were no messages after early 2013) and getting a message from the website about updates t&cs.
I knew what the website was from hearsay and so logged in - he’s terrible and has similar passwords for everything so easy to do. I asked him about it and he swore he had knifes what it was about and acted shocked when I told him what I’d found. We argued for days, but in the end I said I would try to get past it as I was pregnant with our children.

The issue is I can’t get past it, as he supposedly can’t remember what happened, why he did it, if there were other websites or for how long he was doing it. He says he was so ashamed he’s repressed it, and says that he was probably all down to him being stupid, immature and suffering with MH issues from being a pre-teen.
It’s not enough for me though, i feel like it’s all so convenient that he’s forgotten all of it, and in order to get past this I feel I need to know everything.
Half truths, and the fact I found out for myself, have left me untrusting and feeling like it will happen again.

Aside from that lies about money come naturally to him, he’s hidden admittedly innocent messages to other women on his phone so I wouldn’t see them (so it didn’t cause an argument?!)
After we lost our first baby he was joining chat rooms to talk to strangers (supposedly about killing himself) and looking up his ex-girlfriend too, this was about 3 years ago.

Please, can somebody tell me how we can move past this? He’s asked what he can do to make this work and help me to trust him again, but apart from knowing all the details I just can’t think of a way,
He has suffered from depression and anxiety for a large portion of his life but I don’t feel this should mean he isn’t accountable for his actions or that he felt what he was doing was so insignificant he can’t remember ANYTHING about lying to someone he loved.

He says he’s so sorry, and ashamed of himself, and wishes he could change what he did or remember what happened so I can start healing, but he can’t.

I’ll never be as young, slim, and beautiful as I was back then, and he still did what he did, so despite him saying it won’t happen again what would stop him?!
I feel so inadequate and low, that I wasn’t good enough to hold his attention solely and deserve his love.

If you managed to read all of that thank you, and apologies for the long post.

How recent are the lies about money?

And these (innocent?) messages to other women - who are they?

The lies about money are a few years ago, he had a fair bit of debt I didn’t know about, we’ve cleared that now.
The messages were to women he worked with, the most recent ones were to someone who left his workplace last year. They were talking about potential team outings and complaining about work colleagues and her hating her job.

You can't trust him until you know the full story OP. Then you can make a decision. Bullshit he can't remember.

I think if you want to try and get past it he needs to rack his brains and remember it - he needs to be completely honest and then you can see if you can rebuild, with some counselling. If he really wants to make it work he will do this. Otherwise you’ll always wonder and just get unhappier and you’ll split anyway...

He can remember. Perfectly. He just wants you to forget he did it and to see him as a good husband. The depression is being used as an excuse.

He did the classic OMG I need sex/variety/attention/more attention, or at least a woman's body to get me off, I'll have some online fantasy wanking. It'll do no harm. Wifey won't know. She's at work.

It happened a long time ago and he is probably pissed off that you found out and it's an issue now and expects you to just forget about it. But in his mind wanking over random boobs and butts ISN'T a big deal. Some men... a lot of men.. think that way.

It is possible he slept with someone else while you were at work.. it is possible you have no idea about it either..... given the opportunity..... he is clearly good at hiding things... and claiming to have a bad memory.

Had it only been porn would you have been ok about it?

I think you have two choices.

1. Accept he doesn't want to rehash it. He KNOWS he did wrong, some men think that kind of thing is fine, they don't think it's cheating, some women accept it, and just get on with it. If your sex life is good and you get along and there are no other bad or abusive behaviours, then just accept it he was overpowered by Mr. Dick and needed to wank over other women to get off at that time. Also accept he may need to do it again and may be doing it but hiding it extremely well. Accept he is who he is.

The only thing there though, is that your husband could be a very devious person and this goes way beyond the possible tip of the iceberg that you found. Maybe he met people off those sites... you would never know.

Again, you will never know, he just keeps claiming memory loss and most cheaters will never admit it, even when caught in the act.

1. End it and be free from the stress and worry of someone who is happy to lie to you and keep lying whilst claiming he wants to make everything OK and regain your trust.

The only cause of emotional abuse is choosing to be abusive. Not suffering with anxiety or depression or whatever else he's tried to gaslight you with. His behaviour is s conscious choice. And so is yours! Save yourself more misery and make your exit plan.

Why would you want to "get past it"?

You shouldn't

You should get past him, the lying airbag, as soon as you can. He'll do it again

How technical minded is he OP? How techie are you? Because if you just want a bit of reassurance , use open DNS to see what's being looked at on your home wifi , deleted, private browsed or not! You won't be able to see exactly what is looked at , but will certainly get the gist of what kind of sites are being looked at and doesn't require anything on their phones or iPads etc. Won't work if they only use data , wouldn't advise it if you had teens etc as the waters can be muddied and you can't see what device it's from, but as your kids are young, it works for couples or those with younger kids , if you see nothing at all of any note, it may help reassure you a bit. Semi snooping I know but if you genuinely want to know then it might help it's perfectly legal if it's your house router etc.