Wife who catastrophises about her health

[Ian1000]

Advice please.

My wife (52) catastrophises about her health whenever she has pains or feels ill. So far, it’s never been anything serious, but she spends ages on the web self-diagnosing. I usually react by not by dismissing her concerns entirely, but by saying the symptoms are more likely to be caused by something less severe, and strongly recommending she visit the GP.
She doesn’t seem to become particularly nervous about her own diagnoses (I would, if I genuinely thought they were likely), but just talks about the most serious s diagnosis possible (ulcerative colitis, cancer, gallstones).
After (usually) visiting the GP and being assured, she immediately moves on and never reflects on her pessimism/catastrophising.

I’ve tried saying that I think it’s unhealthy for her to catastrophises and spend so long self-diagnoszing on the web, but she turns it round on me and says I just don’t want to hear negativity, that she should be allowed to express herself however she wants, and that the only problem is me not wishing to listen.

Do I just accept her catastrophImg like this (admittededly, it doesn’t seem to cause her too much distress; it’s only me that seems to feel it’s an issue), or is there a better way for me to encourage her to reflect upon how she handles her occasional pains and feelings of illness?
I don’t think it’s just attention seeking; I would give at least as much sympathy and attention if she just said she was really worried about xyz symptoms, without her saying she thinks she has appendicitis, a tumour, or whatever.

I could leave the issue entirely. Is it just her way of ‘preparing for the worst’? Is that healthy/acceptable?
I could try to address it in some way. (I’ve tried to get her to see it as a problem, and something to avoid).
I could even (albeit rather dishonestly) immediately take her catastrophic self-diagnoses very seriously, and make no attempt to re-assure or state alternative, more likely, causes. i.e. just listen and accept. But that seems close to ‘calling her bluff’?

I would ignore it, not engage at all. It would seriously annoy me and the only way I would be able to cope would be to shut it out. I imagine it actually makes her feel quite happy to do it - it must give her some sort of feedback but you don't have to engage with it.

Let her take it to the normal google conclusion of cancer or death.
If she asks do you think it could be cancer? Yes it could be.
I don't think she understands that it's upsetting for you. She most do it a lot.
I always say if you are worried see a gp. Also I say I'll worry about that until I know more.
Some people like the attention.

I would she discusses this issue with the GP. You can also ring her GP and tell them your concerns but obviously they won’t say anything about her situation to you.

I do this. It’s actually calming to make a plan for the worst case scenario. Only my partner would know about it and only to a small degree. I don’t go around telling people I might have x, y, z! It’s just for myself. I think it’s probably due to a close relative dying very young. Has anything similar happened to your wife?

From close friends, I don’t think it is particularly unusual. If it gets very extreme it could be health anxiety but if she is just a planner and research I think it’s probably a personality trait. Tell her it upsets you so she can stop telling you about it.

Could it be health anxiety? When my son was young I worried constantly about him being seriously ill. I truly believed he was going to die and nothing reassured me that wasn’t going to happen. Unlike your wife though I found it very distressing. Somewhat similarly to a previous poster I have an acquaintance whose own baby had died not long before and it felt like that made the death of a baby ‘possible’.

Welcome to the world of the menopause! Yep, anxiety is a big part of it, and health anxiety develops from experiencing many very unpleasant and indeed scary symptoms that you wouldn't forcibly associate with the menopause, yet is very much directly linked.

Your wife is not going mad, she is going through a difficult time of confusion, frustration, and pain. The best thing you can do is read on it and just show support. Health anxieties are horrible, you genuinely believe that you have something undiagnosed and you are about to find out that you are dying. Not nice!

Of course, it might have nothing to do with the menopause (symptoms can hit 5 years, even sometimes longer before periods stop all together). Don't undermine her feelings, just ask her what is the best way to support her. It is different for every woman.

She likes the drama and the attention. Thats sad. If she has been to the gp and been reassured then she has a mh issue. Like hypochondriac so you can't just ignore it. Is she full on or does she just say? If she is full on I would get some advice from your gp yourself. If she just says occasionally then just try and be supportive. It can't be good for you though. My sister is exactly the same. I have to tell her that their is nothing wrong with her apart from her addiction to the pricribe meds she is takeing. Don't let her go down that road. Some people will argue that blue is green and that something is wrong with them when there's not. It's a bit silly really. There are better things to do in life then to be like this.

Health Anxiety is a recognised phenomenon. Counselling can actually be helpful in this regard, it may be worthwhile her looking into this.

Is there a background or event to causing her this anxiety (parent with late diagnosed cancer for example)?

If she's open and honest with her GP, it makes consultations much much easier.
"Hi Doc, I have XYZ symptom and I'm worried about cancer/blood clots etc" rather than presenting with vague type symptoms where the GP spends an age to try and tease out the underlying concerns.

It could be anything from normal pessimism to health anxiety. If she's pessimistic, the best thing is to neutrally agree. I'm pessimistic and people who are optimistic drive me nuts.

This is a coping mechanism. She would benefit from CBT.

I do this. It’s actually calming to make a plan for the worst case scenario. Only my partner would know about it and only to a small degree.

You see I think it's really unkind to subject a partner to that level of worry! If I had a mysterious pain and suspected it could be something nasty, I'd go to the doctor's for confirmation either way before worrying my DH with worst-case scenarios.

I grew up with parents who both experienced serious illnesses and nearly died during my childhood. I know people who are experiencing them now - a friend's husband recently died from ALS at 44 after a horrible, painful deterioration over several years. Another friend's child has a terminal brain tumour.

I think it's awful to catastrophise and I thank my lucky stars every day that I've reached 45 in good health. Honestly, I'd be upfront with your wife and point out that she should get on with her life and stop this pointless negativity.

I'd tell your wife to think about those

@Dontdisturbmenow 'Welcome to the world of the menopause! Yep, anxiety is a big part of it, and health anxiety develops from experiencing many very unpleasant and indeed scary symptoms that you wouldn't forcibly associate with the menopause, yet is very much directly linked.

Your wife is not going mad, she is going through a difficult time of confusion, frustration, and pain.'

I don't think so, as it's a different 'condition' and symptoms each time. This is more like health anxiety/'hypochondria.'

Weird that she doesn't seem that bothered by it though, OP. Maybe she's just bored, and should watch Casualty or something instead.

My mother was always worried about her health and when she went to her GP with breathlessness she was told she was suffering with anxiety. After several months of going back she was diagnosed with secondary lung cancer and died at the age of 42 .... sometimes we know if something is seriously wrong and we should never ignore unusual symptoms and keep asking our GPs to investigate.

I do this. My husband shows no interest and tells me to go and see the doctor if I need to. It doesn’t stop me doing it but it does stop me sharing my fears with him. It is exhausting and frightening for me (as well as, surprisingly, quite tedious, it’s like, gah, what rabbit hole am I going down next) but it stops him worrying which I don’t want either.

Sounds like health anxiety to me. Yes, it’s a thing. Intrusive thoughts about health, illness and invasive treatments. Not connected to evidential reality, but ‘real worry’ nonetheless.

But if she won’t address the anxiety directly (with advice, therapy & possibly medication), you still have a choice about how you react.

What if you said firmly ‘These Dr Google sessions you want me to participate in are impossible for me. I love you, and just talking about all the maladies makes me anxious myself. I don’t want you to die. The last 15 times you’ve put me through this it has turned out to be nothing. I’ve decided not to worry or listen until I’m hearing it from a qualified professional who has examined you. Sorry love, you’ll have to find another person to play Dr Google with. It’s too stressful for me.’

Then you just remind her you’ve made your new policy clear, and leave the room every time she tries it in future. Do it until she gets bored, or gets help for the anxiety.

My daughter’s psychologist advised us to name ‘it’ her ‘anxiety bullies’ and talk to her as though about real live people bullies. So we might say ‘I think I can hear an anxiety bully starting up’ instead of ‘yes, I can hear you coughed but it’s prolly nothing.’ There’s likely a grownup version of it you can use with your wife. Name the anxiety, refuse to interact over ‘symptoms’.

I think it sounds like health anxiety too. I have it but its controlled now after having CBT and and medication. I would have a honest tall with her about it and tell her how it makes you feel.

Has she lost someone close to her? My mum was very poorly when I was a child with various different illnesses and nothing was ever "just a headache" so I think I automatically assume the worst if that makes sense..?

Health anxiety is a real mental health concern.

She needs mental health support with it - meds were incredibly helpful for me.

Telling someone with health anxiety to 'stop their pointless negativity' will do sweet FA, btw, other than to make the anxiety even worse.

Get her mental health support. Start with her GP.

How often is your wife ill if you've noticed it enough to be annoying?

My dad's 89 and still a hypochondriac.

In our family your wife would be teased.
Has she heard of the boy who cried wolf?
One day she really will be sick and nobody will believe her.

Not to criticise anyone at all but you're sort of saying X has symptoms they try to diagnose on the Internet but I think their real symptoms are A and B, dear Internet please help me diagnose them.

Internet replies "could be treatable/non serious mental health issue or undetected deadly illness" and variations.

On the other hand I have some personal experience of what you describe which is why I opened the thread so I genuinely sympathise. I don't always think completely charitable thoughts but try my best to be kind and if feeling particularly 🙄 the (Alanon Family Groups) principle of detachment with love is a good one.

Sounds like a mental health issue. It would drive me mad!! Attention seeking, time wasting behaviour.

One of my friends is like your wife. Although she seems distressed about what she finds. She often texts or calls me to ask about things. Shes a single mum with not much family so she tends to project onto me. In the passed year dr google has diagnosed:
Throat cancer. Was actually tonisilits she caught off her son.
Mouth cancer. Was a mouth ulcer
Breast cancer. This was the worst one. It was actually the normal swelling of the breast tissue around ovulation time/period but she went to the doctors numerous times until they referred her to the breast clinic. I went with her twice and two different doctors told her they couldn't feel anything apart from normal tissue.

There has been numerous other things.

Now I tell her when she says something, "remember when you had throat cancer. You're not dead yet. Give it a week and see what happens". Usually after a week shes gone onto something else. Its exhausting for her but it's also exhausting for the people that support too