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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hoarding DH

34 replies

absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 07:44

Ever since I met DH he’s been a hoarder and when we finally moved in together in a new house for both of us (rented) he claimed the front living room that has a pantry attached as his “studio”
It was fine at first he does sound recording stuff as a hobby and I was relieved that I wasn’t tip toeing around wires/ recording desks/ boxes etc and o just never really went in there.
Three years ago, we had a baby together he is a great dad and we’re (what I thought of as) happy.
His “studio” has become a real mess -I mean tables up turned on their sides, way too much furniture recording equipment up to your shoulders when you walk in, 100 cardboard boxes, old biscuit tins, bags and bags of bubble wrap.
He has a shed in the garden that is literally floor to ceiling packaging materials “in case he sells something”
Yesterday I got sick of it and put all the many many boxes in the shed with all the other boxes and took DD’s buggy, drum kit and tricycle out of there and re-dispersed them around the house.
I arranged the furniture so that I can actually get to the pantry at the back as I was looking for some Christmas things that haven’t surfaced yet.

He is fucking fuming with me and hinting that I am marginalising him in his own home which he “pays a lot for” I’m looking after our fucking DD if I wasn’t he’d be paying a lot more in child care and my pension is on hold whilst I do so 🤯🤬

I knew it would push his buttons but I don’t want to enable this insanity for the sake of DD. He thinks my not enabling him is me marginalising him he says he’s lost all trust in me I ha e violated him and that I’m waging an Aggressive war on him where I feel he’s doing that to me.
He slept alone last night and says he wants to lick his soul in iron bars and run away.

Most people would just say ah thanks!

Anyone else had any experience of hoarder partners?

Ps I don’t have a whole room/ pantry to call my own because I just don’t think family homes work like this!

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/12/2019 07:52

Hoarding is a mental disorder so 'having a clear out' doesn't make it go away and it will have been deeply distressing for your DH.

Have a proper discussion with him about getting help:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

Blondebakingmumma · 17/12/2019 07:53

Hoarding is a mental illness. He need to start by want to change and then accessing therapy. BUT, he would have to want to change.

What state is the rest of the house. Are his things slowly encroaching the rest of the shared living spaces?

absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 08:03

Thank you.
I know hoarding work the same as addiction in the brain but it’s not really an illness is it?
It’s an action sure, and probably rooted in some kind of mental disturbance but surely keeping 100 old amazon packages isn’t a mental illness?
He goes to a psychotherapist fortnightly but I don’t think he goes for hoarding reasons.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 17/12/2019 08:20

There are different levels of hoarding. Sounds like your husband has a low level. Hoarders become very attached to their things- sometimes old receipts, food containers etc. sadly their hoard becomes more important to them than relationships.

Veterinari · 17/12/2019 08:22

I know hoarding work the same as addiction in the brain but it’s not really an illness is it?

Umm yes it’s a recognised mental illness which is why the NHS treats it as such. It’s likely to get worse over time. Have a look at this scale and try and see where his spaces rate on the clutter scale
hoardingdisordersuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/clutter-image-ratings.pdf
Over a 4 is considered to be a problem for which help should be sought

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2019 08:23

Why are you and he together at all?. I realise you love him etc but this is really no life for you nor your child. You are already sadly enabling this for the sake of your child, an action she will not thank you for doing either. Children of hoarders also have a very hard time of it at home.

I would do a lot more reading around this subject because you do seem woefully informed as to what hoarding actually is and entails not just for the hoarder but for family members. You cannot help him or rescue him but you can certainly help your own self here.

Its not just amazon packages though is it?. You mention round wires/ recording desks/ boxes etc along with this comment, "His “studio” has become a real mess -I mean tables up turned on their sides, way too much furniture recording equipment up to your shoulders when you walk in, 100 cardboard boxes, old biscuit tins, bags and bags of bubble wrap".

"He has a shed in the garden that is literally floor to ceiling packaging materials “in case he sells something”

You committed the cardinal sin in his eyes to touch and otherwise disturb his hoard by moving or otherwise clearing any of it.

Hoarding is classed as a mental illness and you seem ill equipped yourself re understanding what this actually is along with the effects of same on the wider family; in this case your DD and you. His hoard is all encompassing to him and it will effect you and your DD to its detriment if it is not already doing so.

Hoarding is a disorder that may be present on its own or as a symptom of another disorder. Those most often associated with hoarding are obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and depression.

Although less often, hoarding may be associated with an eating disorder, pica (eating non-food materials), Prader-Willi syndrome (a genetic disorder), psychosis, or dementia.

Those who hoard usually experience embarrassment about their possessions and feel uncomfortable when others see them. They have clutter, often at the expense of livable space, feel sad or ashamed after acquiring additional items, and they are often in debt.

A lack of functional living space is common among hoarders, who may also live in unhealthy or dangerous conditions. Hoarders often live with broken appliances and without heat or other necessary comforts. They cope with malfunctioning systems rather than allow a qualified person into their home to fix a problem.

I would end this relationship; its not working out now and it will only go further downhill for you and your child if you choose to stay with him. You have a choice re this man, she does not.

absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 08:24

Yes we’ll its looking like he wants to end our otherwise brilliant marriage (humour, sex, friends, political beliefs, interests etc) based on my tidying up (I didn’t even throw anything out!!!!)
There were 3 unopened packets of 100 polly pocket files he doesn’t even need or use, ancient biscuit tins, plastic salt pots. It was madness.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/12/2019 08:24

Sadly yes it is a compulsion and one which I think although well meaning you have challenged him on a grand scale

absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 08:25

Attila thanks.

If I leave, each time she visits she’ll be living in a health hazard.

OP posts:
absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 08:26

She=DD

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/12/2019 08:29

read AttilaTheMeerkat I agree I think you have no idea what actually you did yesterday and how violated he feels.

But at the same time it isnt anyway for you and your DD to live so something needs to happen

doublebarrellednurse · 17/12/2019 08:29

You've basically ripped his comfort blanket away from him and in the face of his deep distress told him he's mental. I'm not surprised he's upset. He needs help not to be told he's not ill (it is a diagnosable MH condition)

Possibly seek a medical or psychological expert rather than trying to ram through this by cleaning. Obviously he already has MH concerns as he's seeing a psychotherapist (although psychotherapy has its own problems). It sounds like he may need more intensive support.

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 17/12/2019 08:31

Hoarding is a form of OCD and accepted as a personality disorder. I have loads of hoarders in my family and have seen first hand the distress when their stash of interesting items is touched.

Can you not just let him get on with it in his own space? So long as there's no vermin or mould, let him get on with it perhaps?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2019 08:33

Is this really an otherwise brilliant marriage though?

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. This is no marriage model for your DD. Its no marriage for you either, the hoard is that encompassing and he cannot bring himself to part with any of it. Over time more and more useless items will be accumulated and your DD will become more and more aware of this within her home.

Your DD going forward would not necessarily have to see her father in his home. Do you think also that such a man would be all that bothered about his child going forward given what he has said about you as her mother already?. No, the hoard is his number 1 priority here; its not you or your DD.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2019 08:35

This is a link specifically for family and friends from Help for Hoarders

www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/family-and-friends/

absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 08:40

Thank you.
I feel bad that I r hurt him but I also dont want to be an enabler.
Maybe it’s too late and I e destroyed our marriage in one afternoon of tidying.
So be it, it would have happened at some point in the future anyway.

Our lack of knowledge about hoarding teamed with my desperation to live in what feels like a safe organised space was a ticking time bomb anyway.
Sad

OP posts:
TigerDater · 17/12/2019 08:45

My XH was a hoarder, it drove me crazy but I never touched his ‘stuff’. Although I didn’t know about it being an illness, it was evident to me how much it meant to him. So I just made sure I kept nothing of my own that wasn’t functional or very beautiful, to minimise other ‘stuff’ and encouraged/helped him to be very tidy with his stuff. There were other issues too, so i finally called time after 27 years. What bliss to be free of it. He never would have ended it because to him our broken marriage was another thing to keep hold of.

You have some big decisions OP. He’s having a bit of a crisis about what you (didn’t really) do. If you want the marriage to continue then ride it out, I reckon he’ll calm down then you can discuss how his hoarding affects you and hopefully come to a deal.

absopugginglutely · 17/12/2019 08:51

Thanks Tiger, that’s the ideal scenario!

OP posts:
Cacklingmags · 17/12/2019 08:52

I know a family where mum is a hoarder. Children could never have friends round growing up and were always embarrassed if someone visited. Mum eventually filled the house they owned and they moved out and rented somewhere else which she is slowly filling up. The old house is just rotting as no one is allowed to touch her stuff.

User555555 · 17/12/2019 08:53

Moving forward if you split up I think you will need social care involved re access for your dd. My partner is a social worker and has a number of hoarding cases, many of whom face eviction, with their home considered fire hazards.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2019 08:59

Living like Tiger did with her now ex husband who is also a hoarder sounds bloody miserable throughout.

Its not just you here to consider OP, its your DD here who will be affected by both her father's hoard and your reactions to same.

BerriesAndPineCones · 17/12/2019 09:01

I sympathise with you op. Flowers Yes it's a mental illness, but having grown up with a mentally ill mother, it can be very tough on family. My mother was offered therapy and support, but me, my sister and dad got no support. Hoarding can be a fire hazard and if it starts to encroach on other rooms, which it may well do, can make it hard for emergency services to get in and may mean you and your dc can't invite people in. I don't know what the success rate of treating hoarding is, but you are certainly deserving of compassion too

Techway · 17/12/2019 09:06

Does the landlord do house inspections?

Bellyfullofbiscuits · 17/12/2019 09:10

I would say to him " look do you think your reaction is normal,to a bit of tidying up ?". - the reaction speaks volumes to the depth of the problem. He is either being a drama queen or he really feels that strongly to a bit of tidying up ? Ask him which is it , then maybe you can , the problem address ed with counseling.

MyOwnSummer · 17/12/2019 09:28

Just wanted to add a word of support. I have a relative who is a hoarder, but he is a single older man and we have taken the difficult decision to leave him be. He is isolated enough already and we didn't want him to shut us out and possibly even make the problem worse. When he was hospitalised last year, we had to access his flat to obtain clothes for him and the distress it caused him was intense.

Obviously your case is very different as you are a couple with a child. I don't know much, but I know that this will be very very difficult to deal with. Sending kind thoughts your way... Flowers

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