Hoarding DH

[absopugginglutely]

Ever since I met DH he’s been a hoarder and when we finally moved in together in a new house for both of us (rented) he claimed the front living room that has a pantry attached as his “studio”
It was fine at first he does sound recording stuff as a hobby and I was relieved that I wasn’t tip toeing around wires/ recording desks/ boxes etc and o just never really went in there.
Three years ago, we had a baby together he is a great dad and we’re (what I thought of as) happy.
His “studio” has become a real mess -I mean tables up turned on their sides, way too much furniture recording equipment up to your shoulders when you walk in, 100 cardboard boxes, old biscuit tins, bags and bags of bubble wrap.
He has a shed in the garden that is literally floor to ceiling packaging materials “in case he sells something”
Yesterday I got sick of it and put all the many many boxes in the shed with all the other boxes and took DD’s buggy, drum kit and tricycle out of there and re-dispersed them around the house.
I arranged the furniture so that I can actually get to the pantry at the back as I was looking for some Christmas things that haven’t surfaced yet.

He is fucking fuming with me and hinting that I am marginalising him in his own home which he “pays a lot for” I’m looking after our fucking DD if I wasn’t he’d be paying a lot more in child care and my pension is on hold whilst I do so 🤯🤬

I knew it would push his buttons but I don’t want to enable this insanity for the sake of DD. He thinks my not enabling him is me marginalising him he says he’s lost all trust in me I ha e violated him and that I’m waging an Aggressive war on him where I feel he’s doing that to me.
He slept alone last night and says he wants to lick his soul in iron bars and run away.

Most people would just say ah thanks!

Anyone else had any experience of hoarder partners?

Ps I don’t have a whole room/ pantry to call my own because I just don’t think family homes work like this!

Sorry, Cross-posted. I would still say let the dust settle though and see if there is any way through that means you get what you quite rightly need - order, cleanliness, space, being his priority - while he gets what he needs. you say ‘it would have happened at some point anyway’ though so maybe there are other issues?

attila I wouldn’t say it was a miserable marriage until the last 5 years actually, but it rsn its course and yes it’s fantastic not bending myself out of shape to accommodate stuff and ideas that don’t fit me.

Both my parents were hoarders. My dad bought a massive house (in an awful area to compensate for lack of funds) and kept their hoards to three massive rooms when I was growing up.
I did not know about it being a mental illness when I was a dc and as a teenager me and my sister had had enough of living like it. It was embarrassing and tbh just awful. You literally couldn't get from one side of the room to the other. We put out all things that may be worth anything to one side and all to be disposed of to another when they were out. We then went to get lunch. My parents came home earlier than expected and promptly put everything back in the same rooms.
Like I always say on here, just because someone else has a mental illness doesn't mean it has to lead to you having one! Hoarding doesn't really get any better I've since made an effort to learn more about it. My dad now owns a flat and the same house and has filled the flat entirely with his hoards. No one lives there. Once we went on holiday and my mum packed a whole suitcase full of the free voucher brochures you can collect on the street. She still has them from 1996!! There were literally 100's of them rammed into a suitcase. Hoarding gets worse and worse as the person ages.
Let him go now. You can go back when he's better if you think that will happen. From experience it very rarely does and I'd have given anything to live somewhere I could have friends around without the embarrassment it all caused and not to mention as others have said on here hoarders often live in substandard living conditions again something that did happen in my house.
The only thing you're enabling is you staying there. You can't fix him and it's not your job to.

Hoarding is a complex disorder - you "having a clear out" is not helpful in the grand scheme, and will not change your husband's actions.

What it has done is force you guys to discuss it, which is probably a good thing. Unless he a) acknowledges that there is a problem and b) takes active steps to address it, then you guys need to separate now.

Living with a hoarder is unbearable and (as previous posters have said) tends to get worse as people get older. You cannot negotiate with the hoard, nor can you draw boundaries around it (it will always over spill them) nor can you "make a deal" for it not to get any worse. If you clear it out, it will come back. The only person who can control the hoard is the hoarder - and only if they 100% want to change.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies.
I am praying that he faces it head on (he has wanted to do this in the past over other issues hence why he has therapy now) and I do want to apologise to him because you’ve helped me see what a violation that was.
We’re both a bit wrong. I shouldn’t have just gone in there and tidied up without pre-empting and he shouldn’t sweep his issues under the carpet (literally) because they’re having an affect on us all.
His DD from a pre ious relationship has high functioning autism with PDA and I’m starting the realise that he probably does too. He gets extremely stressed when he’s cooking even if it’s just pizza and chips. For example if the kids are having pizza and chips and we are having a ready meal with broccoli. He will do the kid’s first then start ours because he can’t organise himself to put the ready meal, pizza and chips in the oven then cook the green veg 7 minutes before it’s all ready!

Update: today i sent DH loads of info about hoarders, recovery from hoarding etc while he was at work he didn’t reply at all.
All day I’ve been ruminating, feeling sad for DD to have a single parent family like I did, knowing that it will be really hard especially financially.

He came in after work just now and said, “Thanks for all that information on hoarding, it all sounds exactly the same as me, I’ll read more later.”

I’m still so adrenalised and angry that I can hardly talk to him and I’m avoiding him until DD goes to bed and maybe then we can talk.
The more I think about it the more I think that ultimately I’d feel an amazing sense of relief to not have to live with him (or his older DD) any more.
I have to do all the cooking, tidying, cleaning, housework, organising visits/ visitors, shopping. The only thing he does is washing up and laundry when he fancies it.
I’m sick of it I really am.

He is not interested in getting any help or support from you and does not want it either.

You can only help your own self ultimately here, you cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be saved.

It's good that he is acknowledging he might have a hoarding problem.

However, you don't have to stay with him. You can decide that the relationship isn't working for you, and end it, even if he says and does all the right things about getting help, changing his behaviour, etc. Sometimes things have just gone too far, and all the love you used to have has been burnt away.

Not a critism but did you not see this before you married when he lived alone.
My ex was very messy. I remembered I once visited a his bed and room where covered in papers. It took 4 hours to clear them and that was 2 of us.
He never did change but stuffed them into bags under the bed.
He hated throwing papers out in case it was important.

Antilla I’m curious what your profession is -I assume therapist or healthcare of some firm. I always like your advice.
Good luck OP..