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Original poster

DH has really upset me today...

46 replies

lulupop · 28/09/2004 19:27

It's our fourth anniversary today. DH has a bad habit of waiting for birthdays and anniversaries to actually come round before announcing that he hasn;t got a present as he thought he'd wait till he saw something special (eg couldn't be arsed to actually go out and look), and hasn't got a card becaue he forgot. We have had so many disagreements about this in the past, you'd have thought he'd have learnt that his wife would at least like a bunch of flowers and a card.

It's not that he forgot it was our anniversary, as he asked me on SUnday if I wanted to go out for dinner at the weekend. I replied Not bothered as there isn't really anywhere nice round us, but we could do if you like.

I made an effort today to make a nice meal and got card and he'd already had his present (by mutual agreement) at the weekend. He came home, said Oh I didn't get you a card as I couldn't find a card shop. I said what, you couldn't find a card shop in central London? And didn't you think of it before today? To which he replied he didn't think it was that important. Then he said he hadn;'t got a present either as he though -surprise surprise - we'd wait till one of us saw something. Like every bloody year I have to TELL him what I want. Actually, this year I DID as good as tell him I'd like something nice for the bath, and still he didn't make the effort. He could have got some flowers off the bloke outside the station, FFS.

So instead of being apologetic, he immediately says Well f*ck you then, if you want to be like that about it. Now all I want to do is go to bed and cry. I just feel so depressed that 1) He doesn't realise what;s important to me after 7 years together, and 2) his response is to tell me I'M the one with the problem.

Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Tinker · 28/09/2004 19:30

No. And he knows it hence is reaction. Sorry you're feeling crap

gothicmama · 28/09/2004 19:32

Sorry you are upset - my dh "remebers after nagging but to avoid feeling how you feel now ever agin I always buy myself exactly what I want adn have it on the day and then if he releasies I have two things - to my dh specific days are not important it is howe you are all the time that matters but I must admit sometimes it 's nice to have a special day - maybe you oughtto let him take you out somewhere at he weekend

vict17 · 28/09/2004 19:33

Could he be stressed out something? I know that's no excuse for talking like to to you but my dh often does things that annoy me etc so when he does I try and remember all the good things about him eg. so he's crap at remembering b/days etc but he's a wonderful dad, always looks after me when I'm ill etc

GeorginaA · 28/09/2004 19:34

No, you're not being unreasonable.

However, in my experience, an awful lot of men just don't "get" anniversaries. Case in point: my father once took my mother out for a romantic meal in a Little Chef for their (26?) year wedding anniversary?!! The fallout from that lasted months...

It sounds awful, but I think sometimes you have to "train" them to what you expect in words of one syllable. Imagine they're a toddler. Praise the good (wow, these flowers are so pretty, this was so thoughtful) and try and ignore the bad or at least get down to their level and use lots of I statements! I know it takes the romance out of it at bit, but at least you're not feeling totally neglected by the end of it.

Could you take him to one side in a few days time or later this evening (when you've both had a chance to calm down) and explain that you felt so hurt because his lack of acknowledgement of the date translates to you as lack of care or consideration for you? I don't think men understand that gift=thought=demonstration of love all the time.

codswallop · 28/09/2004 19:35

mine is crap too at presents, Ithnk its form being an only child

he has lots of other nice habit s though so I just get myesfl something

coppertop · 28/09/2004 19:36

No you're not being unreasonable IMHO. Money is a little tight here so dh and I usually agree in advance if we're not going to buy each other presents. Your dh OTOH was perfectly willing to go ahead and accept his present at the weekend knowing full well that your gesture wasn't going to be reciprocated. To top it all he didn't even give you a proper apology. I'd be p*ssed off too tbh.

twogorgeousboys · 28/09/2004 19:41

No, I don't think so Lulupop.

FWIW, I've had similarish problems with my dh. He is generally generous and kind hearted, but on certain things can be thoughtless.

I ALWAYS make the effort to ensure I have a card and present ready for the morning of a special event. I got very very fed up with dh's lame excuses about "not having enough time to get anything" and then sloping off late morning on the day itself to get me something. This didn't happen before we were married 4 years ago!

This year he has been much better. I told him either he has prepared for my birthday, our anniversary etc and got whatever beforehand, or seriously, forget it. I am his wife, not an afterthought and want to feel special occasionally!

MeanBean · 28/09/2004 19:44

Your DH sounds like a git tbh. Not for not bothering about the anniversary, but for telling to f off when you query it. I don't care how stressed someone is, they've got no right to treat someone they're supposed to love like shit. Horrible behaviour. Unloving and nasty. I can't be bothered to try and find mitigating circumstances.

He'll probably come home tomorrow with lots of flowers though, because he'll know he's totally out of order.

JoolsToo · 28/09/2004 19:47

vict17 - are you serious - what depressed EVERY anniversary - give me a break!

what a bar steward! men! they haven't got a bloody clue have they? if he'd come in all apologetic 'sorry darling I know it means a lot to you and you mean a lot to me - sorry for letting you down again I'm a right basta*d - but I'm going to wait on you hand and foot tonight - I'll nip out and get us a posh bottle of wine and some choccies and I promise to make it up to this weekend with something special' - its that easy but no - 'its sod you then' what I'd do - seriously - don't make him any tea, don't iron his clothes, definitely no conjugals - pretend you've got rid of stuff he likes and act all innocent when he wants it and say 'oh I didn't think it was important to you!' (oh and forget his next birthday)

Shimmy21 · 28/09/2004 19:51

I know just how it feels - poor you! IMO Georgina has it spot on - some blokes just don't get it. your dh said he didn't think it was important and you have to believe him -to him a card is just a card and it really isn't important! To him you are making an incomprehensible fuss about something meaningless. I bet when you're speaking to each other he'll tell you 'but you know I love you so why does a card make any difference?' i've tried explaining to my own dh that females just work differently. It's sinking in slowly but I'm sure my dh just thinks I'm a slightly mad woman who needs pacifying. At least I get a card - sometimes...

vict17 · 28/09/2004 19:54

JoolToo - no I meant perhaps he was stressed this time and that's why he spoke to her like that. Still no excuse though

Grommit · 28/09/2004 19:57

Lulupop - NO you are not being unreasonable! Men just do not seem to think like us - they do not understand it is the thought not the actual gift. They also do not understand how upset this kind of behaviour can make us. From his reaction it sounds like he is feeling guilty - maybe he will think nect time.

Shimmy21 · 28/09/2004 20:02

I think of these men as having a type of emotional disability. we should give them support and understanding to help them work with their limited emotional capacity. Or alternatively just burst into tears. That works too. My dh never forgot to 'help' our ds do mothers day after the first one when I cried all day!

JoolsToo · 28/09/2004 20:02

I remember my first wedding anni - dh didn't get me a card (I'm not bothered about pressies but he knows a like a nice card) and I got all upset and he said 'if it takes a piece of paper to show I love you .....' disappeared for 10 mins and came back with peice of A4 folded in 2 and he'd made his own card! It was crap really but we just fell about laughing (I've had a proper one every year since - but I'm sure if I said don't bother he wouldn't - but I don't so he has to go to Clintons every year - serves him right!)Know this doesn't help you lulupop but it just reminded me.

TraceyP · 28/09/2004 20:04

I think from his reaction that he realises he is in the wrong - for men, attack is often the best form of defence.

It may not have been important to him, but surely by now he realises that it is important to you? Twogorgeousboys is right - you are his wife and as such you deserve to be treated better than this. And you need to make sure he knows this!

MeanBean · 28/09/2004 20:14

Shimmy21, I think crying all day is an excellent tactic. If you can keep it up! Did you have to keep watching the news or something?

KateandtheGirls · 28/09/2004 20:15

Is it possible that after your reaction to his asking to take you out to dinner -

"he asked me on Sunday if I wanted to go out for dinner at the weekend. I replied Not bothered as there isn't really anywhere nice round us, but we could do if you like"

  • he thought that you really didn't want to make a big deal out of it?

I have to say that when I read that bit of your post I thought that if I was your husband I would have been a little p*ssed off if my spouse reacted that way.

hercules · 28/09/2004 20:20

I could not bear to treat my dh like a child or cry in order to get what i want. Is that really an adult relationship?

MeanBean · 28/09/2004 20:24

No, but frankly if someone I loved came in and told me to fuck off because he had not bothered to display any consideration for something which represented something important to me, then I would probably feel like crying all day.

KateandtheGirls · 28/09/2004 20:25

I don't believe he should have used the language he did, however.

sis · 28/09/2004 20:26

I think JoolToo is right - ignore something that you know is important to him and pretend innnocence and say oh, I didn't know it was important to you.

GeorginaA · 28/09/2004 20:28

hercules: I'll have you know I treat my children rather well

I was being slightly tongue-in-cheek in a rolls-eyes and sigh "MEN!" sort of way! Well... maybe

Chinchilla · 28/09/2004 20:49

I have a list of things that I want (CDs, DVDs, lipsticks etc etc). I have informed dh where it is kept, so that he can choose an item/many items from it as and when required! It worked rather well for our anniversary, and I was totally surprised with my DVD present. It was something I wanted, but a surprise too.

Having said that, for our second anniversary, when ds was 6 weeks old, we agreed not to buy presents. I bought him a card, and handed it over on the morning of our anniversary. Dh said, 'I didn't get you a card because we agreed on no presents' . I was totally miserable (new mum being taken for granted etc etc), but said not to worry. He realised how much it mattered to me, and popped out to get me a card AND a present. Not the same as a card on the right day though. MEN!

Original poster
lulupop · 28/09/2004 20:53

While I was putting baby to bed he went down to the petrol station and came back with what they had left and a card. I would love to say this melted my hard heart but actually I just thought "I hate carnations" and said nothing to him. Had bath, large G&T, then announced was going to bed. He responded in massive temper and things are now frosty.

Kateandthegirls, I hear what you're saying about my response to going out at w/e, but honestly, we recently had our first meal out together since baby (5 months) and it was so overpriced and so disappointing that we both agreed what a shame it was there's nothing really worth the money round us. I just don't want to spend the money on a meal neither of us enjoys. He knows very well what I feel about "occasions" and that is that if he hasn;t organised something by the day, then NOTHING bought subsequently is going to make me feel better about it. If we agree beforehand to get something later, then that makes me feel he has thought about it before the day, and that's fine. But to announce at 7pm on the day, Oh, I thought you could get something later - that's just shit.

We're talking about a man who told me we couldn't afford an eternity ring when I had DD but then spent over £1000 on some Bordeaux because "It was a once in a lifetime opportunity" (we were struggling to find DS's nursery fees at the time, and once he'd maxed out our overdraft I had to do it on credit card).

Going to bed shortly, and if he thinks he's coming anywhere near me he can think again

OP posts:
Miaou · 28/09/2004 20:55

My dh is just the same, lulupop, he never bothers to get a card or present, and I rarely get a birthday or Christmas present. He simply doesn't get the whole present thing. There's nothing I would like more than a "surprise" on a special day, even if he totally misjudged it, it would be just so lovely that he bothered!

However, after 10 years of marriage I am learning to be less bothered about it. My attitude re. wanting presents, cards, surprises etc is as alien to him as his attitude is to me. He never expects birthday/Christmas/Anniversary cards himself. For our 10th wedding anniversary this year we each wished each other "happy anniversary" and had a cuddle - that is honestly the first time I have been able to do that without any resentment at all. It's hard, but worth it for me - dh is so wonderful in many other ways that I don't want this issue to cloud the rest of our (very good) relationship.

sorry for waffling....

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