DH has really upset me today...

[lulupop]

It's our fourth anniversary today. DH has a bad habit of waiting for birthdays and anniversaries to actually come round before announcing that he hasn;t got a present as he thought he'd wait till he saw something special (eg couldn't be arsed to actually go out and look), and hasn't got a card becaue he forgot. We have had so many disagreements about this in the past, you'd have thought he'd have learnt that his wife would at least like a bunch of flowers and a card.

It's not that he forgot it was our anniversary, as he asked me on SUnday if I wanted to go out for dinner at the weekend. I replied Not bothered as there isn't really anywhere nice round us, but we could do if you like.

I made an effort today to make a nice meal and got card and he'd already had his present (by mutual agreement) at the weekend. He came home, said Oh I didn't get you a card as I couldn't find a card shop. I said what, you couldn't find a card shop in central London? And didn't you think of it before today? To which he replied he didn't think it was that important. Then he said he hadn;'t got a present either as he though -surprise surprise - we'd wait till one of us saw something. Like every bloody year I have to TELL him what I want. Actually, this year I DID as good as tell him I'd like something nice for the bath, and still he didn't make the effort. He could have got some flowers off the bloke outside the station, FFS.

So instead of being apologetic, he immediately says Well f*ck you then, if you want to be like that about it. Now all I want to do is go to bed and cry. I just feel so depressed that 1) He doesn't realise what;s important to me after 7 years together, and 2) his response is to tell me I'M the one with the problem.

Am I being unreasonable here?

oh lulupop - didn't mean to but pmsl at your first paragraph 'just thought I hate carnations' it sounded so funny. You should have said it to him - it might have broken the ice - or would you prefer an icepick through his heart?!

I know you feel like sh*t right now - but you'll soon be friends again - just make a pact with yourself to get your own back - thats what I do - petty maybe but revenge is sweet sometimes!

Go out and treat yourself to something nice, anbd show him later! What about a facial or massage or something, and get him to babysit!

yes, Hercules, to second Georgina, a bit of lighthearted tongue in cheek humour helps to brighten things up. There's no need for the po-faced post! My crying all day was on my first mothers day with a new baby and we can all be a bit over emotional then, can't we? I do actually treat my dh as an adult quite often.He is even allowed to go and play with his friends on his own if he has been good. (sorry enough).But seriously, I think its true that men's brains work differently from women and spelling out very clearly to him what you would like helps them to understand how to do their bit.

hi lulupop if you are still out there - all men are the same and will never change. if dh started acting all lovey dovey all of a sudden you would wonder what he was up to. wouldn't you? so take a leaf out of my book - its our 10th anniv next month. i got the credit card and booked a romantic trip to Brighton for one night. got the kids sorted out (which was lucky)
you could always book a restaurant or something yourself - that way you both have a good time. just cos he didn't do it dos'nt mean he does not love you. you better be logged on after all this! going to bed.........

Would he be upset if you forgot his birthday? Or didn't buy him a Christmas present?
If so, then he's a spoilt, lazy so and so who deserves everything he gets.
If not, then maybe the 'men just don't get it' theory is right. But even if he doesn't get it, he's still selfish - he got his present at the weekend and still didn't bother to get you anything? How childish.
Either way, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

You need to make it clear that this really matters to you and he must make the effort to make anniversaries in some way. Tend to agree with..was it kate...who said that maybe he took his cue from your response to his suggestion to go out for dinner. Maybe he thought you weren't that bothered...? He was out of order to tell you to f off - and when you have both calmed down I hope he has the sense to apologise.

How about going out anyway? It doesn't have to be anywhere particually upmarket - just a few drinks in the local pub can be fun if you can both be in the right frame of mind.

Don't know if you saw my thread last week - my dh totally forgot our 7th wedding anniversary, but I knew he would and I really wasn't bothered. It obviously matters to you so don't let him get away with it again!

Men are crap - dh forgot to get me a card this year too for our 5th wedding anniversary. It was only 2 weeks after I'd given birth to ds3 so I was hyper-emotional anyway.

I was crosser than cross because I'd been organised enough to get his card while I've just given birth and have 2 toddlers aswell. I gave him his card and I knew he'd forgotten by the look on his face. 10 mins later I was washing up and he came in saying 'I'm just going out to get a paper' (Purlease!) - I said 'don't bother getting me a card, I know you've forgotten now'. He tried to tell me he hadn't forgotten but just hadn't had time!! WHAAAAT! I've just given birth and I've found time with 3 kids all day - he has an hour for lunch every day and works in the centre of Wilmslow where I know for a fact there are several card shops.

Was livid so know how you feel.

Definitely agree with ignoring something important of his and DEFO withdraw all conjugal rights!!!!

Am I the only person here with a "male" view of anniversaries and birthdays?
I think they are very unimportant BUT if my dh DID think they were I would jolly well make sure he got a nice card and present.

What I am trying to say is I don't think there is anything wrong with him not personally wanting to comemmorate it but it is a bit thoughtless of him not to do so even if purely for your sake.

If he is a good man the rest of the year and you love each other don't be too hung up on his failings in this department.

Well, it's nice to see that, although I may have overreacted slightly, at least I'm not alone on this one. It's true most men have totally different view of these events, but as you said Jasper, you'd think he'd make the effort when he knows it does matter to me.
For his 40th birthday last year I started planning weeks ahead. He is not bothered at all about birthdays etc (although I think he;d be pissed off if i didn't even bother with a card) but I like to make him feel special, so I got 2 tickets to a Man City game (his team, tragically), booked flights up there, booked nice hotel, dinner, arranged my mum to babysit, and off we went. His "clue" to this on his actual birthday was I'd got him the original programmes to every home game in the year of his birth.

I also asked his mum if she'd like to join us for dinner. She lives alone up there and even though I can't stand her I thought I'd make the effort so he cld see her/ Also I expected her to say No, it's your only time alone for months, I'll just see you for a drink. But the stupid cow came along and spent the whole night talking about DH's other siblings, despite us having just told her that I was expecting DD! That's a whole other story though.

Now, I hate football, am not that keen on Manchester as a place (sorry to all you Manchester-based MNers, it's just too big for me), and for a weekend away I'd rahter have gone somewhere else. But I arranged all this, AND to top it off City won 6-2 to boot!

So you'd think he'd realise I expect at least a card from him on similar occasions!

Anyway went to bed early, he stomped off to spare room, and then I was up 5 times with baby.

Love Chinchilla's idea of a wish list and have decided to combine this with Gothicmama's - i.e am going to put together a wish list in time for Christmas and also buy myself the principal item on it, so if he does get me anything else it's a bonus, and if not, then at least I won't be disappointed again. Quite pleased with this plan actually.

Am going round town while DS is at nursery this PM to see if I see anything nice.

Lulupop - my dh is exactly the same as yours but he also doesnt bother with Xmas or birthdays or Valentines Day. His usual line for not having bought a card is "I haven't had time"!! Also no idea on presents at all so just gives me money usually long after the date when I remind him.
For our first anniversary I realised he wasn't going to bother so as we had a joint credit card I went out and bought myself something nice but obviously it didn't seem right. Also I still have not had an engagement ring nor do I have much jewellery at all which is bizarre as he used to work in the jewellery trade and still has a couple of contacts so wouldn't pay exhorbitant prices. Same thing with regard to flowers, he bought me some when he was out shopping once (at dd instigation) - Chrystanthamums!!!! I hate xmums more than I carnations which I think was the only other time he bought flowers.

I really know where you're coming from on this one - I would really like a surprise Christmas present one year instead of a cheque or a few notes (well actually, as well as a cheque or a few notes )

Message withdrawn

No, Yorkiegirl, not awful, just true

I can accept I'm always going to have to choose my own presents, but it does seem a bit pathetic - how hard can it be for a man to get a card/present for a birthday/anniversary?

Of course it's what goes on the rest of the time that counts, but what;s wrong with expecting a little extra on a special day?

Ha! Just as I had decided to forgive and forget, DH leaves me a msg saying he assumes it's OK with me for him to go out with a friend in London tonight as this friend is only in London for one evening!

Nice to see there are some one-off occasions which mean something to him. Wish I could have thought of some suitable reponse, but was so gobsmacked I just said OK. Will eat the anniversary mean I cooked (not eaten last night) alone. Swilled down with a bottle of wine.

at least you won't have to cook

tell me your joking?

no, i'm not joking - with my 4dd's its a treat not to have to cook for dh as well later in evening. don't you appreciate those times too?

Yes, I won't have to cook - actually I love cooking but like Ennazus I do find it a bit of a chore after a day running round after the children - so that's something.

Bought myself a nice jacket this afternoon, although I was going to get it anyway as last one had to be binned it was so ropey. But I felt much less guilty buying it for myself!

good for you, lulupop hope you enjoy your meal tonight. you can freez the other half and give it to your other half another night. Less cooking once again!

I think that all this " well it's not the same to men" stuff is just giving them an excuse to behave badly.Would you tolerate this kind of thoughtlessness from your best friend for eg?
Lulu, I feel so bad for you and I really think you need to sit down and talk to dh and explain that these days do mean something to you, and then when he forgets them it makes you feel bad.Make it very clear.
Can't believe he's gone out tonight either. Never mind freezing the food for him to have another night, I'd be making him wear it if I was you!!!

LOL, ALexsmum!

No dopubt he will roll in pissed at midnight. If he wakes me up he's dead.

I agree with you about making it easy for them, but they're like toddlers in that you've got to choose your battles, aren't they?

Am going to leave it a few days and then quietly explain that actually, it does mean a lot to me, and that any future infractions will be taken extremely seriously!

Suspect he may have got me something during the day today though.

well, lulu you're a nicer woman than me!
I hope he has got you something nice...it'd have to be on the scale of diamonds I think!!!