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Original poster

Is my friend right that I should be wary after this first date?

32 replies

user63212 · 16/12/2019 21:30

I have had LOADS of online dates, false starts of relationships that i have later called off. it is always me that breaks things off, but only because it doesnt feel right for whatever reason. i being open minded about dates etc so i think i am doing the right things generally. i want to settle down but only if it is right.

I had a great date on saturday night (unusual for me to say this, im never usually hugely positive about someone after a first date) but for the first time ever, the guy didnt message me afterwards. on the date he was talking about lending me a book (i assume in the future?!) and seemed to want to stay and chat (spent 4 hours together). so at lunchtime, i decided to text and asked if he wanted to meet again, said i had a nice time. ten minutes later he replies saying he had enjoyed the date and suggested a time and place to meet again at the weekend.

my friend is saying he'd have text if he was keen and so i should be wary. this is new to me as ive never not had a text after a date, whereby the next one was suggested. i know i hadnt left it long before I text him, but this is still unusual ground for me and maybe my friend is right? i like him but the last thing i want is someone who isnt bothered about pursuing something, and that obviously starts with asking for another date...

also, im prepared for comments like "why shouldnt you text him" - but in my experience men have always messaged so i just dont know what to make of it!! maybe he's not that bothered and i need to get back to swiping....

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 16/12/2019 21:33

Nothing wrong with you texting him this time I'd say - if he continues to make you do all the running then reconsider!

Moraliee · 16/12/2019 21:34

Always wait for him to message first.

scoobydoo1971 · 16/12/2019 21:35

The rules of who does what are not fundamental to the future of the relationship at this stage. However, you should be wary about first dates, especially online. You don't know these people, and that takes time. First impressions are all you have. Don't go rushing into things with this man, or any man. See how he treats you, and pay attention to his actions and not his words. Time will tell if he is any good for you or not, and what your friend says is not relevant as you should rely on your own instincts. Go out, enjoy his company, keep an open mind and see what happens. Good luck!

Menora · 16/12/2019 21:37

You text him he text you straight back and asked you out again?
What is wrong with this?
Perhaps he isn’t much of a texter I don’t think you can rule him out based on some old fashioned rules that men must do XYZ to show interest in a woman. He’s interested - he made a 2nd date

Original poster
user63212 · 16/12/2019 21:39

moraliee that is usually what i always do.

scooby i will take it slowly, i guess im wondering if there's any truth in the "he will let me know if hes interested" mantra. i personally think that is true.im too old for chasing or wasting time and i just want to settle down.

OP posts:
Original poster
user63212 · 16/12/2019 21:40

menroa yes but that made me query why he hadnt text me in the first place to arrange it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
user63212 · 16/12/2019 21:41

also in my text i suggested meeting again and said id had a nice time - would be nice to meet if he wanted to, too. he then suggested a date and time.

OP posts:
ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 16/12/2019 21:42

I think it sounds fine at the moment. If you are doing all the running when you're a few dates in, then you'll need to think about whether he's right for you. But for now, I'd just go with it and enjoy it.

scoobydoo is spot on.

Menora · 16/12/2019 21:44

Yeah I mean if after a few dates he’s never texting you then you can start to worry. But not after 1 date 😂

Casmama · 16/12/2019 21:45

I have been with my dh for 16 years so pretty out of touch but to have such strict rules sees a bit limiting. i think it would be sad to write someone off over such a minor infraction of the "rules" and you should trust your own judgement.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 16/12/2019 21:46

He might just have been observing the ‘3 day rule’ bollocks. He may well think you’re refreshing. He may not be a texter. He may have fallen down a well. Who knows but you having text him is not going to transform a nice bloke into a bellend or vice versus.

NameChangeNugget · 16/12/2019 21:46

Your friend sounds needy. Good luck OP Grin

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 16/12/2019 21:46

*versa

user1493413286 · 16/12/2019 21:49

If it’d been a few days then I’d take her point but seeing as it was only lunchtime and he messaged back agreeing so quickly it’s perfectly likely that he was going to text you that afternoon so I wouldn’t worry but maybe let him text first after the next one

sirmione16 · 16/12/2019 21:49

Sounds fine to me, too. Maybe he didn't want to come across as too keen. I certainly don't think you have to be "wary" Confused

thedevilinablackdress · 16/12/2019 21:49

Why on earth must the man text first??
(I have very little patience)

Cream5 · 16/12/2019 21:49

Maybe he is worried about being rejected and wanted to see if you would message again. Then as soon as you did he took the leap to ask for the next date.

I text me partner after our first date to say i had a lovely time and to thank him for paying the bill. I actually did it on purpose, as soon as i got home, as i had a feeling he was a bit overwhelmed as he came across as very nervous! It was his first date in years. The rest is history.

Dont overthink it but dont chase.

I dont like over confident "player" types whove played the OLD game, so a guy that would appreciated a little encouragement that i felt the same suited me.

strawberry2017 · 16/12/2019 21:52

Ok- do not get stuck in this - if he likes you he will text first crap,
Sometimes men want to know they are liked to, it's not a game, it's real life. The guy doesn't have to make the first move.
Sometimes they are insecure too!
It's fine if you message first, it's fine for you to suggest things.
If you like him go for it. Don't sit around waiting coz that's how you may losses out!

LilyPinkNoah · 16/12/2019 21:52

Wow when did things get so complicated?!

Does it matter who texts who? What's with the game playing?

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/12/2019 21:52

Sounds like you really like this one, which means you need to be extra wary and not rush in. I think you texting was absolutely fine and his reaction was all you would want.

Take it slow, is all.

1066vegan · 16/12/2019 21:56

I've been with dp for 20 years so I have no idea what dating "rules" are, but I can't see anything wrong with how he's behaved.

The date was only on Saturday and went well. You texted him today which is only 2 days later. I don't see why it should be the man who gets in touch first and even if that is the norm, 2 days doesn't seem long. I wouldn't be reading anything into that at all (eg assuming that he's the sort of idiot who thinks it's good to play cool and string women along).

He replied quickly to your text so is clearly keen to meet again. I think that your friend is getting you worried for no reason and you're starting to overthink the situation.

Original poster
user63212 · 16/12/2019 21:56

Im hopefully not game playing, just not used to not having a text within a day at least!

i think i was right that he liked me too during the date - i dont think (i hope!) i wouldnt be too clueless that i would assume someone felt the same when then didnt. he's also suggested a place near me and on saturday night, so i guess i could take the positives that he also wants to spend some of the middle of his weekend with me.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/12/2019 22:02

I think you're overthinking this. It wasnt like he left it ages without contacting you, and when you did, he a. Texted right back and b. Suggested a time and place, on a weekend.
If he wasnt interested, he'd have either friend zoned you, or done the whole 'sounds good, I'll let you know' and gone silent, surely

KaptenKrusty · 16/12/2019 22:04

OMG - the people saying “always wait for him to text first” are joking right?? If not wtf

I asked my now husband out the first time and suggested the 2nd date too! If you want to see someone why shouldn’t you be forward - move things on and if he’s not interested then at least you know sooner rather than wasting your time!

I’m actually shocked with some of this advice about woman waiting around - what next he has to pay for everything or he’s an dick - Jaysis

memaymamo · 16/12/2019 22:28

If I'd followed that stupid rule I wouldn't be married to my excellent DH.