Situation with PIL - WWYD

[CanIHaveADrink]

In a nutshell, my PIL are xenophobic - think 'all those immigrants that have come here and have invaded Britain' type of talk. They are keeping their ideas less and less to themselves so last time I saw them, FIL went on a rant about immigrants to my teen ds and my nephew.
Mil just brushed things under the carpet 'ah politics. We'd be better not mention it wouldnt we?'.

I am an EU national (and therefore an immigrant), my dcs are dual nationals.

Until now I have said little to keep the peace (last time I did, MIL was most upset I dare say this was unacceptable).
DH says that sort of talk is unacceptable, that his parents are totally unreasonnable. But he wont say anything to them.

And FIL has cancer and is terminally ill (even though how much time he has left is unknown)

I'm now wondering what to do tbh. DH seems to expect that I will stop any contact with them. But in some ways, I am not happy to have the dcs go to their house and be submitted to that as it makes them very unconfortable (ds1 tried desperatly to change the subject of the conversation to no avail). As Dh will not do anything (he knew when it was happening...), Im not sure i want them to go wo me.
On the other side, I dont particlularly want to see them. Ive lost all respect tbh. I found the talk insulting and a personal attack (even I am sure i will get the 'oh but not you' answer). So did ds1.

So far I have said that i they strat going on about anything ike this in our house, I will tell them to leave.
Im not sure what else to do....

Sorry about your dil's health, however....
Over my dead body my children will be exposed to toxic and damaging individuals - fil and his enabler (mil)

You said yourself your ils are xenophobic, this is now new. His lack of filter is new, he might feel empowered by his terminal cancer or whatever the reason is, it is not justifiable.

You say you are a EU national and your dh has dual EU citizenship (British and another one).
Does it mean he acquired the other one from you or from his parents? Any of his parents have also dual EU citizenship?

This is not new, not "now new"

I forgot. Your son is 50% EU national and his grandparents don't approve of "foreigners invading the UK blah blah blah", meaning ils disapprove of you, the mother of his gc.
What would happen when ils use that against him, his 50% EU side?

I know....
Not sure how 'new' all this xenophobic talk is tbh. When I met DH, they were really nice and lovely. MIL even started to have lessons in my language and so did my SIL and her DH.
It has become more and more apparent since the referendum :(

Its my dcs who are dual nationals (british from DH and my citizenship from me).
DH is british as are my PIL

Apologies, your dc are dual nationals, not your dh. My bad. I just caught it.

Would your dh talk to his parents to cut the b.s. off when kids are present?

How is your son doing after the incident?

Could you say something like "If you mention immigrants I'm afraid we'll have to leave - I'm sure you'll understand that I want to spare the children distress", and then, if they do start anyway, say sadly "Oh dear, that's a shame, but it's your choice" and leave? Staying super polite and lovely (just sad at their choice) the whole time?

ds1 said he was really unconfortable about the whole thing. It doesnt help his own ideas are as opposite to those too!
I dont want to teach them to accept that sort of behaviour just because it will upset grand dad.... or because you dint want to make a fuss. But do I want to aleniate them from their grand parents? (And I am sure I will be made responsible for it)

I could say that @ravenmum. Im just not sure I can be as polite as that. My non british side might well come out there and I am afraid I will be much 'assertive' than that.
Plus I am struggling to look at them now. Not when I know what they think of me.

This reminds me years ago when I was talkig to my MIL and I was asking her about the class system in the UK. I was trying to get my head around it and asked her where she thinks we (as in me and the dcs) woud fit. Her answer was that it was impossible to fit me somewhere (fair enough) but that the dcs were 'international'. Which makes me think that even then, she doesnt actually see her grand children as properly british??

Sorry I do NOT want to aleniate them from their grand parents....

Have you asked them calmly (when they are mid flow) how they feel about you living in Britain when you’re an immigrant?

What do they actually have to say about immigrants?

If a person in the street would do what your ILs are doing, what would you do? Would you allow that stranger to continue the xenophobic attacks?

I know, it's asking a bit much! I would just want to make it clear that your leaving is their choice, not yours.
I would also not want to alienate the kids from their family. And I feel like they have to learn to deal with these things. (I live in Pegida country and my binational, now adult children have learned to deal with these things.)
But part of that lesson they have to learn is that when people deliberately overstep boundaries you don't have to put up with it.

she doesnt actually see her grand children as properly british??
Maybe, have you asked? If she does, it means that she is a bit thick...
I'd be straight on Ancestry looking up your dh's family tree. Do they come from London by any chance? My British ancestors did - foreigners, every one of them :D

"But do I want to alienate them from their grand parents?"

Their grandparents have done that, not you and certainly not your children. Their grandparents are xenophobic and such people do not change readily if at all.

A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too toxic/difficult and or otherwise batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. Where are your boundaries at here with regards to these people?. You do not want to see them and why should your children be at all further subjected to them?. The only thing that has changed here re your FIL is that he is now ill and xenophobic. Look at how uncomfortable your DC1 was last time. One of your many jobs here as a parent is to protect your kids from such malign influences.

What did your DH do last time when his parents started ranting and your DS1 was trying and failing to change the subject?. Did he just sit there and say nothing?.

Your problem here also is that your DH seems to be a mouse around his parents and is not standing up for his own self let alone you people as his own family unit. Presumably he is still wanting his parents approval or has been conditioned by them not to rock the boat. His own inertia when it comes to his family i.e. you people hurts him as much as you. He cannot or equally will not deal with his parents also because of his fear, obligation and guilt, he probably on some level wishes you could all get along so that he does not have to face this at all further.

"the dcs were 'international'. "

I am raging for you. How did you react?

Those so called grandparents are alienating themselves. How do they dare talk about your children like that?

You alienate people from your kids when there are no good reasons for it - X person's head is too big, I don't like how Y dresses, etc.
Your ILs? They have earned it.

No I didnt ask her @raven. This was years ago and I didnt think much of it at the time. Just found it weird (but then the whole clas ssytem was weird to me). I am 100% sure that if I ask her directly she will say she of course sees her grand children as british, regrdless of what she thinks (bevause she knows its a senstive subject. She is a bit more self aware than my FIL on that!)

@AttilaTheMeerkat, DH was next door in the kitchen with MIL and heard it. He chose to ignore it too.

Xenophobia is never pleasant to experience or to hear discussed. I am also a dual national, as are other members of my family, I would not hesitate to confront your ILs on their attitude and vile comments. Since is less inhibited in his comments recently, do you think this change may be related to Brexit and heightened feelings of nationalism.
I do not live in the UK, have had comments directed at me and my circle of friends which I have challenged.

Such comments come from lack of education, ignorance, often jealousy, and tribalism.
Having said that, your loyalty, concern, is to your children and I personally would not allow them to be subjected to racist comments and attitudes, especially from a family member!
You are not at all BU in reducing contact with this grandfather in the circumstances and I would question contact with MIL if she does not defend her own grandchildren.
Personally, I would be NC with PIL unless/until I and my family were treated with respect.
You do not need them. best wishes, stay strong

But part of that lesson they have to learn is that when people deliberately overstep boundaries you don't have to put up with it.

Good point. Thanks for that.

It's horrible when your husband doesn't stand up for you or the kids. Makes you feel totally alone.

@Hithere2, I have to say Its nice to hear that some british people find the comment unacceptable too. As a 'foreigner', even after 20 years, it can sometimes be hard to see what is or isnt acceptable when this is a concept that doesnt exist in that way in our own country.

"@AttilaTheMeerkat, DH was next door in the kitchen with MIL and heard it. He chose to ignore it too".

Goodness. He really is that afraid of them here isn't he?. Does he still want their approval that much?. Its no excuse for him and his inertia really does hurt him as well as you people as his family.

When you're on your own in a foreign country, with your own family abroad, it is even lonelier if even your own dh does not stand up for you.
Do you have any other support?

I was a dc in this situation. I had little respect for my PGM as a result of her doing this. My father rarely stood up for my mother. But the truth was, he's the same. He's constantly bashing people who bring over their foreign wives and their family follow (like my mother's - he excuses that as they'd come here to start their own careers 🤷‍♀️). My mother stayed quiet to keep the peace, but I won't. I've stood up to my DHs family when they've started as that's my dcs gran. I've stood up to my own family when they've pulled similar in front of the DC.

If your DC1 is uncomfortable listen to them - their GPs are ruining their relationship with them, not you. It's really not nice hearing family bash something that is part of you, and a part of which you had no choice over to boot.

No no other support....

This thread is actually bringing a lot of other issues.... :(
It is unsettling when other people are more angry at the situation than I am. It made me realise how much my boundaries have eroded and how much I am accepting stuff when I shouldnt. (Huge background here that isnt relevant to PIL really).

@canihaveadrink

While I am not Bitish, I am also a EU citizen

My home European country is very racist and closed to immigrants.
I have heard the comments of "foreigners stealing jobs, go back where you came from, they are corrupting our culture, etc" my whole life.
Those comment made and make me sick to my stomach.

I have faced people from my own home country and made them eat their words.
When "foreigners steal jobs", I ask the person if he/she would be willing to work the job that foreigner is going righ now. Guess the answer - no way!

Please protect your kids. They will experience enough racism in their lives by random people and I know there is not much you can do about it. You cannot protect them against that.
What you can do is put a stop to abusive behaviour when it happens within the family.

Your dh needs therapy. He needs to put his kids first.

Till then, Ils don't see your kids. Don't smell your kids. Don't talk to your kids. They have lost that privilege.
Yes, your ILs also don't get to give your kids presents in Christmas. Don't get to see them in Xmas. Don't get talk to them.

I am panning you