Sister mad over keeping secret for niece (possible trigger sexual assault)

[CharDee]

Sorry this is a bit long! Basics- my niece left a party when she was uncomfortable and called me for help then came to stay with me. I didn't tell my sister. She called me again after her boyfriend sexually assaulted her and my sister is now mad that she came to me for help and is blaming niece for what happened)

Last summer my niece, who was 17, called me from a parry she was at and said she wanted to leave. People were doing drugs and drinking and she felt uncomfortable and was being pressured to join in.
I live about 45 minutes away but ordered her an Uber and she came straight to my house. She was quite upset and said some of her friends were going off with boys at the party and having sex or doing other stuff and she didn't want to. She had been drinking but wasn't drunk.

My sister (her mum) knew she was at this party and that she was planning on staying at a friends. My niece asked me not to tell my sister she'd come to my house because she wouldn't let her go out again and I know from experience (my sister is older than me and when I was about 17/18 she was very over protective and always knew best) that she would be angry at my niece even though she did the right thing. I told my niece that I was proud of her for leaving and that she did the right thing. I said I wouldn't tell my sister for now but if she asked me directly about it I wouldn't lie. Niece went home the next morning after staying and nothing was ever mentioned again.

The main reason I didn't say anything to my sister was that I wanted my niece to trust me and know she could come to me if she was stuck again or in an even worse situation.

Unfortunately on Saturday night I got another phone call from her. She was 18 in November and was out in town with her boyfriend of a couple of months. She has been quite open about her relationship with me and said they haven't slept together yet and that she's still a virgin. He ended up taking her back to his friends house and tried to have sex with her. She said no and he got forceful and said he was going to whether she wanted to or not. He ripped the top of her dress and tried to put his hands up her dress and in her knickers whilst grabbing her hand and trying to put it down her pants. His friends were in the room watching and shouting for him to carry on.

She was able to push him away, grab her phone and run out the house. She ran for about 5 minutes before she felt safe to stop and then called me. She had left her bag and purse at the house so had no money and didn't know where the house as she hadn't paid attention. She went in to a takeaway and told the man in the shop what had happened. He spoke to me on the phone and I managed to work out where she was before driving there myself to get her.

She has had to realise that what happened wasn't just him being a lad but actually sexual assault and I have told her that I will support her if she wants to take it further. She said that she only thought about me when she pushed him away and knew that I would help her no matter what which is why she grabbed her phone and not her bag.

I took her back to my sisters and told her what had happened. My sister first of all shouted at her for going back to the house (he took her there in a taxi so she didn't really have a choice), for wearing such a short dress , and for not saying no straight away and leaving. My niece shouted back and said that was why she called me because she knew I'd help like i always do. This then led to her telling my sister about the party which made her furious at me for not telling her at the time and for lying.

I tried to calm them both down but when my sister carried on blaming my niece for what happened that night I told my niece to pack a bag and come back with me. Then we could all sleep and calm down and talk in the morning. On Sunday I had text after text from my sister saying I was in the wrong and I had put my niece in danger.

I tried to talk on the phone but she just wouldn't understand my side and why I didn't say anything. I hate to think what would have happened if my niece felt she couldn't call me on Saturday to ask for help.

My niece has asked if she can stay with me until after Christmas because she doesn't want to be anywhere where the boyfriend can find her. She was supposed to go to college today but doesn't want to. I have offered to go in with her and see her tutor or someone at college who can help. The boyfriend goes to the same college. She knows she is welcome here and even has her own room and space.

Was I completely wrong to not tell my sister to start with? I have no idea what to do next or how to support my niece. Can anyone offer any advise?

That should say advice!

Your poor niece. Let her stay, and ignore your sister and her victim blaming ways.

Tricky one, I can see both sides really.
But for now I would tell DSis that DN is staying with you for a bit. Try and keep in touch with your DSis and keep her updated because it must be hard knowing your DC didn't turn to you when in trouble.

Thank God she has you. No, you dealt with everything perfectly. X

I don't know what is wrong with your sister! You did totally the right thing.. it's such a tricky age it's good your niece trusts you

You were not wrong at all. And your sister's reaction shows exactly why. You did not put your niece in danger - she's 18yo and can make her own decisions. You did, however, provide her with a guaranteed safe place to seek refuge if needed. After the first incident, although she wasn't an adult, she was old enough to know her own mind and had a right to privacy.

I would encourage your niece to speak to someone at college - they may be able to offer counselling or similar to help her process the trauma. And, if you can, let her stay as long as she wants.

This may permanently damage your relationship with your sister though. She may just be upset that her DD didn't go to her, or she may be overly controlling. Either way I'm afraid you are likely to bear the brunt of her anger/upset.

Thank you for the replies.

I do understand that it will be hard for my sister to see that she came to me, but when she was that age she had friends who would cover for her or who would help her out. I was the same. I would always go to my brother if I needed any help.

One thing I took away from Saturday night was how grateful I was to the takeaway owner. She went in and asked where she was and I heard him tell her to sit down and he got her a bottle of water and then he asked her if she was safe and if he could talk to whoever was on the phone. He even said she could put it on speakerphone and keep hold of it so she knew he wouldn't take it. I couldn't thank him enough when I got there. I'm not saying my sister should be thanking me until she's blue in the face but that's something for her to realise, I was there to help and things could have been so much worse.

I would have her to stay op, poor girl and help her to talk to someone at collage. Even if you speak to her personal tutor and see what the collage can do to support her.

Fucking awful response from her mum . What an absolute victim blaming bitch.

What would have been her mum's reaction if she'd called her that (second) night instead?

She's an adult now so she can stay with you and see you whatever your sister says.

It's a good job she's got you, her mum sounds like a victim blaming nightmare. Your neice needs a responsible adult she can trust who doesn't judge or fly off the handle.

What are you/your sister/your niece doing about the boyfriend though? That was sexual assault and should be reported.

You were totally right.

Her mother's attitude on this occasion proves her daughter was right to not trust her to be supportive. She was old enough then to have her confidence kept and she is old enough now to live where she wants.

Your sister needs to get a sense of perspective or she is going to lose her daughter altogether.

Well done on doing what you did - your niece is lucky to have an aunt like you.

To add, me and my sister aren't that close. There's a big age gap between us and she's always tried to be a bit too motherly with me. Stupid things even now like telling me to put a coat on when I'm outside, we went to town to see a show with our mum and Aunty and she was telling me how to cross the road

I don't care if I get the brunt of it because it's better than my poor niece getting it. DH and I were talking last night and he thinks she needs to stay here. We live on one side of town and my sister on the other with college and the town centre right in the middle of us so it's not too far from everything she needs. DH has been shopping on his break and bought some treats for tonight for her and some of that teddy bear bedding because she was talking about it yesterday morning.

She has just asked if she can go and pick DS up from school later so that I can have a rest. Might be nice to have some extra help around the house!

That was sexual assault and should be reported.

Only if the niece want to do that, and the OP has already told her niece she will support her whatever she chooses as her next step. The very last thing the victim of sexual assault needs is to be pressured in to doing something by the person they've turned to for help.

I have spoken to her about reporting and said that I think she should. I'm trying to convince her to go to college and speak to someone there who can talk her through what will happen next. I am off this week so can go with her. I don't want to push it though. We've spoken about Saturday night a couple of times. He has tried to call and text her and message her on whatever social media she has but she has blocked him and has not even used her phone since yesterday morning because she doesn't want to talk to anyone at the moment.

Another one saying you've done everything right OP, it's your sister's responses that are questionable here and it sounds like staying with you is exactly what your niece needs.

OP your niece is lucky she has you to turn to for help. You absolutely did the right thing, WTAF was your sister thinking blaming your niece for that guy's actions, and the others cheering him on, awful.

Try to urge your niece to speak to someone about this for support and try to get her back to college, don't let that little toerag derail her life with his actions.

I was ready to say YABU because I have a daughter that I would hate to think this had happened to without me being able to support her. However, you clearly both correctly called your sister's reaction and its fantastic that DN has you for support. I also think its great that your DH is supporting you to in having her stay as long as she needs. I would see if she'll let you phone the college if only to see what support they can offer (a lot have welfare staff, counselling etc or a place students can go if they need help during the day which it would be good to hook her in to), to make her tutors aware so she can have a bit of time off if she needs it and so they can support her to keep a good distance from the bf if they have classes with or near each other. Not that this should be her responsibility to organise but colleges are often quite helpful with things like this regardless of whether she wants to report it or not. I think you need to cool off the communication with your sister. You've said what you need to now so if she wants to choose not to see the support you're offering then that's up to her but she risks alienating DN if she keeps this up.

You did the right thing, and by earning your niece’s trust you helped her to get herself out of two different dangerous situations. Well done!

It should be possible to go home with your boyfriend without being attacked by him – whether or not you are already sexually active. I agree that it's best to avoid putting yourself in situations which have a very clear potential to be dangerous e.g. I wouldn't recommend taking a shortcut across a park or down a dark alleyway late at night if it can possibly be avoided – but to suggest she shouldn't have gone home with her boyfriend is positively Victorian. The victim blaming is awful. Where is your sister getting her ideas from?

The person your sister should be angry at is herself and maybe deep down she is – it sounds like it is her fault that her own daughter feels unable to talk to her. Your DN should have felt able to call her from the party and be collected without being punished for the situation but her hunch that your sister would not understand was clearly correct.

Your sister may be having trouble letting her DD go as she gets older and no doubt this all comes from a place of caring about her DD but her attitudes are deeply misguided and have already caused more harm than good. She is also making this about herself when it should be about her DD. Of course, it's painful for her but she should also feel grateful that her daughter has such a fab aunt to turn to. Also, even if you have a great relationship with your DCs, there may always be circumstances where they find it easier to be open with an aunt or uncle – precisely because they have that slight bit of additional distance from the DC – that is one of the reasons I'm very grateful that my DCs have a terrific aunt in the form of my sister.

Your DN absolutely should report her boyfriend and it would be great to see his mates somehow in trouble too – not one of them thought to step in and protect her – in fact they seem to have been egging him on. That is terrifying and truly shocking. Personally, I think she should report every single one of them to the police but I can see that may have further reaching consequences than she wants to deal with. At least this should be reported to the college and the college should be sending out some serious messages about what constitutes sexual violence and how it is always unacceptable – indeed, they should get some police officers in to deliver the message and to make clear it is a crime for which people can be arrested and go to prison.

This is a tricky situation but you have done everything right and your DN is lucky to have you and hopefully you will be able to restore the relationship with your sister when the dust has settled.

I think you were right to act as you did. I would have thought differently if your niece had been younger but at 17 she had figured out how her Mam would act. I'd be horrified is my sister had acted Iike this when her daughter had been sexually assaulted. Some of the things she said her daughter may never forgive.

PS - good that she’s keeping the boy blocked - he will try to minimise what he did.

Firstly stop pressuring anyone into reporting. She doesn’t have to report it’s her choice. It is not OP’s choice. It’s is awful to be bombarded with demands to report this - it’s not an obligation and victims should not feel pressured into anything

OP I have a sister and we both have daughters
I can say hand on heart I would be horrified if my Dsis ever behaved like yours has - you have done everything I would have done in the same situation and have been a good aunt.
Your Dsis is ruining the relationship with her ADULT child at a fast rate of knots. DN did not need permission from her mother to go out and no woman is to blame if a man assaults her in any way. Getting in a cab with your boyfriend and wearing a dress out on a Saturday night is not an invitation to be assaulted

I hope she’s ok - probably best to stay with you for now

My niece's dad has just called me (he's not with my sister). She has a driving lesson booked tonight but my sister just told him to contact me about it. I asked her if she wanted to talk to him and she asked me to tell him what had happened. He has flown off the handle and wants to go to the police with her now to report him and go down to college afterwards to demand they kick him out. I've told him that she doesn't want to do that right now but I've managed to convince her to let me make an appointment to see her tutor with her tomorrow. He isn't happy about waiting but I've told him that's wha she wants and we can't rush her. I've said he's welcome to come and see her tonight here but only if he doesn't mention anything and takes cues from her. He said he's too angry to come and stay quiet so will be cancelling her lesson and will come and visit tomorrow. We're going to college at 10 tomorrow morning.

She is now upset again because she thinks she's letting people down. I've lost my cool slightly and called her mum and dad a few choice words and told her that she is not to feel like she's letting anyone down because they're the ones letting her down by not supporting her and listening to what she wants. I've also declared we're ordering a takeaway tonight.

What a wonderful Aunt you are OP well done on helping her, your sister should be ashamed