Sister mad over keeping secret for niece (possible trigger sexual assault)

[CharDee]

Sorry this is a bit long! Basics- my niece left a party when she was uncomfortable and called me for help then came to stay with me. I didn't tell my sister. She called me again after her boyfriend sexually assaulted her and my sister is now mad that she came to me for help and is blaming niece for what happened)

Last summer my niece, who was 17, called me from a parry she was at and said she wanted to leave. People were doing drugs and drinking and she felt uncomfortable and was being pressured to join in.
I live about 45 minutes away but ordered her an Uber and she came straight to my house. She was quite upset and said some of her friends were going off with boys at the party and having sex or doing other stuff and she didn't want to. She had been drinking but wasn't drunk.

My sister (her mum) knew she was at this party and that she was planning on staying at a friends. My niece asked me not to tell my sister she'd come to my house because she wouldn't let her go out again and I know from experience (my sister is older than me and when I was about 17/18 she was very over protective and always knew best) that she would be angry at my niece even though she did the right thing. I told my niece that I was proud of her for leaving and that she did the right thing. I said I wouldn't tell my sister for now but if she asked me directly about it I wouldn't lie. Niece went home the next morning after staying and nothing was ever mentioned again.

The main reason I didn't say anything to my sister was that I wanted my niece to trust me and know she could come to me if she was stuck again or in an even worse situation.

Unfortunately on Saturday night I got another phone call from her. She was 18 in November and was out in town with her boyfriend of a couple of months. She has been quite open about her relationship with me and said they haven't slept together yet and that she's still a virgin. He ended up taking her back to his friends house and tried to have sex with her. She said no and he got forceful and said he was going to whether she wanted to or not. He ripped the top of her dress and tried to put his hands up her dress and in her knickers whilst grabbing her hand and trying to put it down her pants. His friends were in the room watching and shouting for him to carry on.

She was able to push him away, grab her phone and run out the house. She ran for about 5 minutes before she felt safe to stop and then called me. She had left her bag and purse at the house so had no money and didn't know where the house as she hadn't paid attention. She went in to a takeaway and told the man in the shop what had happened. He spoke to me on the phone and I managed to work out where she was before driving there myself to get her.

She has had to realise that what happened wasn't just him being a lad but actually sexual assault and I have told her that I will support her if she wants to take it further. She said that she only thought about me when she pushed him away and knew that I would help her no matter what which is why she grabbed her phone and not her bag.

I took her back to my sisters and told her what had happened. My sister first of all shouted at her for going back to the house (he took her there in a taxi so she didn't really have a choice), for wearing such a short dress , and for not saying no straight away and leaving. My niece shouted back and said that was why she called me because she knew I'd help like i always do. This then led to her telling my sister about the party which made her furious at me for not telling her at the time and for lying.

I tried to calm them both down but when my sister carried on blaming my niece for what happened that night I told my niece to pack a bag and come back with me. Then we could all sleep and calm down and talk in the morning. On Sunday I had text after text from my sister saying I was in the wrong and I had put my niece in danger.

I tried to talk on the phone but she just wouldn't understand my side and why I didn't say anything. I hate to think what would have happened if my niece felt she couldn't call me on Saturday to ask for help.

My niece has asked if she can stay with me until after Christmas because she doesn't want to be anywhere where the boyfriend can find her. She was supposed to go to college today but doesn't want to. I have offered to go in with her and see her tutor or someone at college who can help. The boyfriend goes to the same college. She knows she is welcome here and even has her own room and space.

Was I completely wrong to not tell my sister to start with? I have no idea what to do next or how to support my niece. Can anyone offer any advise?

He said he's too angry to come and stay quiet

Bloody hell, OP, sounds like you are doing a wonderful job in the face of such a knob. Why do some men think that the second a woman has been attacked by someone she trusted, the thing that will make it better is another man she's supposed to trust demonstrating that he is incapable of controlling himself?!

for you both - and good decision on the takeaway too.

In her situation, there is so little chance of a conviction I wouldn't put any pressure on her to report to the police. I hated typing that but it's a reality she would have to face. She just needs to do what's best for her.

I hope her college is supportive, the most important thing is her mental health, that should be her focus because of this sort of thing can have such a massive impact.

@SpiderHunter she actually said after I spoke to her dad "How will one man forcing me to do something I'm not ready to do help me get over another man trying to force me to do something Im not ready to do?"

I was so fucking proud of that.

It's clear as day why you're the first phone call when shes in trouble. You did nothing wrong on both occasions.

Is it possible that your sister might have reacted badly out of shock?

Acting as an intermediary and offering advice is fine, but I think you are on the borderline of trying to alienate your niece from her parents.

My Auntie and Mum have always had an agreement that if we needed help or someone to talk to, we could go to our Auntie and she wouldn't tell our parents. The only caveat to that was if she thought we were in danger or that the problem was too big for her to deal with on her own. As a teenager it was good to know I could talk to an adult in confidence.

Your sister is being horrible to her daughter by victim blaming. Her fucking dress had nothing to do with it. That man thinking he was entitled to sleep with her, regardless of her protests were the problem. I'd let your niece stay as long as you can and try and encourage her to speak to the police and college.It is sexual assault.

The most important thing here is that you are and that you continue to be someone your niece can trust. Shes an adult not a minor there for what and who she decides to tell is up to her.

Of course her mum and everyone is upset too but their reactions and attitude are making it impossible for your niece to talk to them and shes now being responsible for their feelings and behaviour on top of trying to deal with what she went through.

You sound lovely shes lucky to have you.

Being made responsible

Re reporting - I understand the hesitation. Could the college arrange for the police to come in and give a talk about sexual assault and consent? There’s a really good cartoon video around consent using the analogy of a cup of tea. They can make clear sexual assault is a crime and people can go to prison for it. Hopefully that will get the message across without the immediate pressure on your DN of reporting to the police.

I'm glad your niece has you.

I agree with whoever said "Thank God she has you."

In this series of events it was so fortunate that your niece had you to turn to. Just who else would she have turned to ... or would she have just gone along with things she didnt want to.

Regardless of whether this makes your sister feel inadequate, jealous etc, your sister is showing a lack of mental capacity to think about anyone but herself.

The boyfriend definitely needs to be reported to the police so there is a chance of breaking this cycle of behaviour. Your niece needs counselling and also to think about keeping safe.

I wish all teenagers had someone as on the ball and all round fucking epic to call as you. I work with teens and the lack of empathy and support some receive at home is very sad. You are doing ALL the right things and are a brilliant support to your niece.

People saying she definitely needs to report to police over and over, please stop, I hope you wouldn’t say this to anyone in RL. It’s an option not an obligation.

At that I didn't get on well with my Mum (various reasons) but did have a sort of relative/family friend person who was younger than my Mum and seemed to see things in a more objective light. She had time to listen when I needed someone to talk to and was far less judgmental as she wasn't so invested in me/my future as my Mum. Plus, we didn't have all the history so she saw me for who I was then as an older teen/emerging woman, rather than the girl I had been.

That relationship was key to my sanity during a few years. I knew someone had my back. Someone more able to drop everything if needed (thankfully wasn't) and who would listen.

I would say that you are definitely doing the right thing. More than you and your sister's relationship, being there for your niece is what's important here. For whatever reason, her and her Mum aren't seeing eye to eye right now so good she has someone looking out for her and who she can rely on. If not you, then who? Which is a good question for your sister. Best someone is there who is reliable and loves her otherwise she may choose someone not so good (bf for e.g.). Your sister may not get it, but do try and remind her that the fact that she's confiding in someone and someone who can pass on important stuff to her Mum (when ok to do so, privacy, permission, etc.) then that is far better.

Remind your sister that this is a difficult age and that your niece is looking for more independence from the family home (natural) but is perhaps not yet old enough to go it completely alone. This way, you are able to look out for her until she 'comes round' to her Mum and can start talking/confiding in her again.

Hope that makes sense.

You are fab.
Your niece is an adult, you and her have your own unique relationship that doesn't have to be routed via her parents. Your responsibility is to do whatever is in her best interests when she asks you directly for help and support, and that sounds just like what you are doing.
Keep it up and I hope your niece is ok.

I was so fucking proud of that.

So you should be. Sounds like she has the measure of her parents, and good judgement in choosing to trust you instead of going to them.

Shes an adult not a minor there for what and who she decides to tell is up to her.

If by "minor" you mean under 18 (or even 16), they still have rights to privacy. Information will not be passed on from (for eg) a doctor as long as the child is deemed competent. Similarly, under GDPR they have a right to privacy and parents can't necessarily access all their data from (for eg) schools.

Whilst those rules don't apply to your own family, they are a helpful guideline (IMO) for whether you have a moral responsibility to pass information to a child's parent.

You're an amazing auntie and it's very clear why your niece came to you. The fact is her dad knows that too.

She's very lucky to have you and your husband and she sounds very switched on too!

You are an amazing person and so is your husband I am sorry your niece has gone through this but im so glad she has you to help her

I've called my sister again to tell her I'm going to college tomorrow with her and asked if she wanted to come too. She seemed calmer so I was able to say that I wasn't trying to come between them but I wanted to make sure she was safe and felt supported and that her reaction wasn't what Dn needed at that time. I said that I know she's worried about her and that she always has her best interests at heart but at dns age somethings are hard to talk to your mum about. I brought up an occasion when I was 16 and drunk and how her and my brother put me to bed and didn't say anything to our parents.

She seems a lot calmer now and spoke to Dn on the phone for a bit. She isn't coming to college tomorrow as it's her youngest daughters nativity but did thank me for organising it which was a surprise. I've said that she wants to stay here because she doesn't want to see the boyfriend or have him know where she is and she said that was ok with her as long as I didn't mind. She is coming over on Wednesday night with my other nieces for dinner and I have given dn my old phone with a pay as you go sim in for her to call or text her mum/dad/friends if she wants to.

DN seems ok now too. She's writing a list of things she wants her mum to bring on Wednesday. After DS goes to bed I'm going to talk to her about tomorrow and ask what she wants to do or talk about. I think she should report and will tell her that but also let her know she doesn't have to and that she can do it later if she chooses not to tomorrow. We also need to work out how to get her things back. All her cards, her passport, keys and money were in her bag so I'm going to ask if I can contact the boyfriend (or rather ex) and ask for him to drop them off or for me to go and collect them. I don't particularly want to see him or talk to him or his idiot friends but I think I can stay calm for 20 seconds to get her stuff.

Perhaps the college could be an intermediary.

Why not tell her dad what she said about another man trying to force her into doing something she doesn't want? It might make him reflect on his reaction.
Why are so many mens' reaction to a bad situation to get violent rather than to comfort and support?

How did today go? @CharDee