moods and tempers

[parsleysagerosemarythyme]

My husband has had mood swings and temper problems for the whole time we have been together, as in 30 years
I could write an essay about it, even a book, but I will try to be brief...
I accept that the an occasional mood or temper is understandable and part of being human maybe. My problem is that it has been ongoing for years and years.
Sometimes it maybe acceptable, or understandable if a one off, but this continouous pattern of getting in a mood at the slightest thing is so difficult to live with on a daily basis.
It has ground me down so much and I am now full of self doubt and wonder if I am to blame.
He will make me think everything is my fault and he wins every argument. He has a clever answer. He goes on and on. I feel confused and upset. I don't feel secure or happy. I don't feel free. It seems like a constant power struggle. He doesn't have much of a sense of humour. I try to see the best in people. He is much more sceptical. We have different outlooks on life, including politics, and inevitably lots of arguments recently. He is very clever at pulling the rug from under my feet. My heart beats fast and I feel panicky.
If something goes wrong I think he over reacts and often disproportiantely. If I say so in an attempt to calm him and help him he gets mad at me and says I'm dissloyal and taking the side of other person.
For example, recently we were returning home from an enjoyable night out and unfortunately some drunk type person shouted abuse from a car as they went past us. My husband got in a very bad mood at home and said it had ruined the evening, When I tried to fix it I ended up being told off as usuaul. I said I understand him being upset but he shouldn't get so upset.
He is very hard work and I've suggested he goes for counselling but he is very dismissive of that. I think he would benefit from it. I also feel like leaving him as I've had enough and being more patient than ever.
He brings his work troubles home and I often get it landed on me.
Sorry for such a long story.
I haven't really got anyone to talk to (I do sometimes but I don't like to bother them too much)
So thank you for listening.
Please can you give me some advice.

Sympathy indeed. Am going through same thing for nearly as long.couldnt understand why I felt so low and so rubbish. I suggest you see a counsellor for yourself. As soon as you can. Someone who knows about emotional abuse. Because this is what it sounds like.
My life has begun to change a bit since I went to see one, it’s still exhausting dealing with his moods and stress, but she taught me this and I hope it helps you.
Basically really really really be nice to you. Stop focusing on them and start focusing on you. Talk kindly to yourself,about everything- well done! You put the shopping away ! Well done! You’ve made yourself a nice cuppa and you deserve it.
find things that make you happy and do them. Even if it’s just stopping to look at the flowers in lidl! Make sure you see friends. You’ve become isolated which is normal in this situation, it’s important to try not to be join sort of group or club
Eat well, excersise. You are working to rebuild your strength and confidence and trust in yourself and your decision making which has been worn down.
when you are ready, call woman’s aid. They will help you see what is going on and offer you support. Also read ‘ why does he do this’ by ted blundy ( it may be online for free I know someone on here had a link, but I’m sorry I don’t have it now). Look up the freedom programme.
He sounds very controlling and I believe this is a form of emotional abuse. Called coercive control. Look up dr les Carter on you tube. He has some very gentle informative videos and a very reassuring manner.
I don’t mean to upset you but this is what’s happened to me. I couldn’t believe it was emotional abuse - there’s no violence as such, so I couldnt relate to many of the posters on mumsnet and thought I was being silly or maybe I actually was stupid and lazy and irresponsible. A councillor will help you see you are none of those things. There may be a charity near you, or talk to your g.p and they can sometimes refer you. When you have got your head round all this, which is very hard, it may be time to work out how to leave. I’m hoping this will help. There will be lots of support And good advice on here I’m sure, these mumsnet ladies are amazing. You are not alone and this is certainly wrong. Well done for a) realising and b ) posting. Xxxxx
Funny, I’m up so late because of the rows today that I can’t really work out why we had them or why I’m in the wrong and yours was the first post I found. Must be a sign! Big hugs.

Ps read’ right listen up everybody’ at the top of the main relationships page where all the threads are listed. It’sextremely helpful.

The book is why does he do that by lundy Bancroft not Ted Bundy the serial killer it's a fantastic book and I would also highly recommend it. I have also started going to therapy and a weekly support group which is helping. I know DH will find something to be arsey about to I have stopped catering to his wants at all. I create a diverse meal plan of things I like as well as him (which he hates), I meet up and chat to friends, I have stopped the weekly pilgrimage to PIL (where he will disappear outside to vape for hours whilst I entertain his parents). If you dont feel there is a risk of violence it's a great strategy whilst you get your ducks in a row. Are you in a position to leave?

Oops! Ted Bundy! Am definitely losing the plot! You did make me laugh😀

Your partner doesn't have a mood problem, he has a personality problem.

Agree, definitely read Lundys book.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I will read up on the book and relationship thread.
And the you tube link.
His moods quickly spill over into an angry outburst especially if he is challenged. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells and am constantly anxious.

I’m where you are, OP. Been married for eons and his behaviour has just continually slid in this direction. He claims it’s nearly all work based anxiety but after 25 years of it I am sick and tired.

The boiling frog analogy has been used a lot to explain situations like this.

I’ve been seeing a counsellor personally for about 2 years, seen a solicitor too. My family now know and are supportive. Am using the access to funds to get my shit together. I’m able to be a bit more analytical of our situation.

He doesn’t like the ‘new’ me much. I think I’m more like the girl he first married, but he sees me as being aggressive and not the doormat I’ve become.

Sign up to the Freedom Programme online. Even better if you can attend a local group.

Op, I too am walking by your side, feeling what you’re feeling. I’ve been married for 17yrs, together 23.
I haven’t really slept all night. All because I said something wrong during a normal, seemingly happy conversation. One minute it was all great, the next he was horrifically verbally abusive because he didn’t like my tone. He tells me I use ‘inflammatory comments’. He tells me I’m controlling, a hypocrite....yet I’ve come to see he’s deflective of his own behaviour. He causes a steaming argument out of nothing. And I use the word ‘Arguement’ but it’s really him screaming at me for my tone, or the look on my face, and then I’m literally begging him to stop or trying to tell him I didn’t have a look on my face, or the word I used wasn’t meant to be inflammatory. It’s me begging for forgiveness for something I never knew was wrong in the first place!!
He tells me to fuck off, he screams so loud that I ‘get on his tits’. It goes on and on.
He’s always had this tendency to fly off at people. He does it at work loads too, but it’s happening more and more so. And this is what’s hurting.
I absolutely do everything for him. I’m a SAHM and I think that’s where the problem lies. I’m nothing in his eyes.

I’m here to walk by your side and hold your hand. It’s such a lonely path it seems x

I lived with someone like your DH for over 20 years. I'm sorry to say it never got better.
I left. I am much happier now. You can't change him OP. You either leave (easier said than done) or somehow learn to live with it. Personally I couldn't hence me leaving.
Lots of love to you OP, whatever you decide to do. I feel your pain.

Hi bye bye, so nice to hear your post - it’s definitely boiling frog. And mine has said for years it’s work based anxiety too. Was a career counsellor who pointed out that before I met him I had career flat etc and now am ground down with no direction and minimal wage job. And I used to think I’d never get sucked in. Ha. Counselling helps. A lot op.
Am finally beginning to question whether I can put up with any more instead of wondering whether I am being fair. So that’s progress! Also watch out - I think ( but am not sure) that the poor me stuff is getting worse as I begin to reclaim my self. Something to be aware of x

Flossie yours popped up as I was writing. Sorry to keep writing, just spent yesterday in a similar situation - trying to chat about children’s behaviour somehow meant he slammed the brakes on did a lot of calling me a bitch etc and told me he couldn’t stand me and to get out of the car. I apologised to him later. He hasn’t apologised to me. What I don’t get is this morning we are carrying on as normal. I’m a SAHM too, not by choice and equally I’m nothing - unless the house gets in a mess!
I do everything and he says he brings in the money so he shouldn’t do anything else. And his job is awful.so I’m obviously acting like a child, having a life of idle luxury while he carries all the responsibility. Trouble is after a while you believe it, and start to believe that you are useless.
sorry op hijacked your post for a moan. Just reassuring to hear it’s not always extreme behaviour, and it’s not you going mad.

Can you look at the freedom programme online op? I'm so sorry for all of you on this thread caught in relationships with nasty abusive knobs. I hope you all make 2020 the year to divorce them and find yourselves again (if not sooner)

These men are absolutely abusive. Bloody bullies. I feel for you all. I had one similar. Twunts!!! We are human, they dehumanise us.
They will not change. They want absolute power over us. Please read the Lundy book - you can actually download it for free.
If you have children, they will be affected, like you are.
I’d really really start looking at finding a way out.
This is your life!!! Don’t let them ruin what precious years you have left.
If someone spoke to you in the street like that - what would you do?
A healthy person would call the police - they grind us down so much and destroy our self esteem. Why should we walk on egg shells?
I’m projecting some of my issues that I feel towards my ex - I’m finally feeling healthy rage after 2 years of separation.
Let 2020 be the year for you all. 🌺

Treatedlikeamaid - why do we say sorry?? I do it CONSTANTLY. But I know deep inside I did nothing wrong. At one point he was screaming at me, and then realised he was saying the same as me!! I think he screams and rants for no reason other than to elevate himself over me. He often doesn’t know what he’s saying and makes no sense. Then it’s ME who says sorry because I just want him to stop.
I said sorry this morning while I was making him breakfast, and he replied ‘saying sorry won’t make me feel better about you..I’ll decide when I’ve had enough, not you’

Mary - you are so right. I thought this early hours of this morning....if a friend, or stranger, told me to fuck off, or I ‘got on their fucking tits’, id walk away and never ever look back.
So why do I stay here? For the snippets of love I MAY get, but don’t

Make 2020 a better year with this being without these abusive men in your lives.

You and parsley are victims of coercive controlling men and their behaviours towards you are abusive. Abuse is all about power and control and these men want absolute over you. They targeted you deliberately so to drag your down with them and otherwise bring you down to their base level.

That is a good question you have asked yourself here re why do I stay here. Women in abusive relationships stay for all sorts of reasons; fear of him, fear of the unknown, the kids, the fear of being "alone", money problems, confusing love with being codependent. There are all sorts of reasons why. Also consider what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

You may well be confusing love here with codependency. I would read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that has related to your own self and behaviours. Apart from reading Lundy Bancroft's book I would also urge you to read "Women who love too much" written by Dr Robin Norwood and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

Many things can trigger anger, including stress, family problems, and financial issues.

For some people, anger is caused by an underlying disorder, such as alcoholism or depression. Anger itself isn’t considered a disorder, but anger is a known symptom of several mental health conditions.

You should ask to the doctor for more detail.

Bancroft Lundy's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

He is abusing you. He does not have anger issues, he's using manufactured rage to control you. It's a crime.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You don't have to live like this and you deserve so much better.

I apologise ALL the time. ‘Sorry’ pops up on my predictive text as soon as my finger hovers over the ‘S’.

I, too, am a SAHM. Told not to get a job, because ‘Who would run the house?’

We had argument last night about me not immediately being enthusiastic enough about an overseas holiday he’d like to take... to indulge in his hobby.

Guess who said Sorry?

My health is suffering and I’m not getting younger. We’ve been married over 20 years. He’s planning on retiring, so I’ll have this 7 days a week.

2020 will be the year of change.

I’m attending the Freedom Programme in person. Only managed the last few weeks of their course before Christmas but will return at the start of their new term in January.
Found the online stuff good, but get more out of the face to face stuff. They offer counselling too.

Hi flossy, it’s funny that you said he says the same back to you as you say to him. That’s what mine does if I say he’s shouting he says I’m shouting! Do they all go to the same school?
He is not aggressive as such but very wrapped up in himself, Has to have the last word,and always miserable and stressed. Exhausting.
Let’s hold hands and change for the New Year- I’m sure there must be a way of improving theses situations!
I know I’m not the original OPA,, but I really appreciate your comments as much as I’m sure she does.

Bancroft actually says at one point:
'they are not abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive'.

Stuck with me that one. As others have said, the anger is manufactured to keep you in line.

Oh and google 'narcissistic personality disorder' as I think that might be what you are dealing with (you too treatedlikeamaid). I'm sorry to say it won't improve as they aren't not mentally Ill, they are just rotten.

And you can't reason with them into seeing sense because - they DO understand, they just don't care. They want to 'win' at everything so there has to always be a loser, even in everyday convo...and one guess who that is always going to be.

Start running for the hills, no one should live with these leaches.