moods and tempers

[parsleysagerosemarythyme]

My husband has had mood swings and temper problems for the whole time we have been together, as in 30 years
I could write an essay about it, even a book, but I will try to be brief...
I accept that the an occasional mood or temper is understandable and part of being human maybe. My problem is that it has been ongoing for years and years.
Sometimes it maybe acceptable, or understandable if a one off, but this continouous pattern of getting in a mood at the slightest thing is so difficult to live with on a daily basis.
It has ground me down so much and I am now full of self doubt and wonder if I am to blame.
He will make me think everything is my fault and he wins every argument. He has a clever answer. He goes on and on. I feel confused and upset. I don't feel secure or happy. I don't feel free. It seems like a constant power struggle. He doesn't have much of a sense of humour. I try to see the best in people. He is much more sceptical. We have different outlooks on life, including politics, and inevitably lots of arguments recently. He is very clever at pulling the rug from under my feet. My heart beats fast and I feel panicky.
If something goes wrong I think he over reacts and often disproportiantely. If I say so in an attempt to calm him and help him he gets mad at me and says I'm dissloyal and taking the side of other person.
For example, recently we were returning home from an enjoyable night out and unfortunately some drunk type person shouted abuse from a car as they went past us. My husband got in a very bad mood at home and said it had ruined the evening, When I tried to fix it I ended up being told off as usuaul. I said I understand him being upset but he shouldn't get so upset.
He is very hard work and I've suggested he goes for counselling but he is very dismissive of that. I think he would benefit from it. I also feel like leaving him as I've had enough and being more patient than ever.
He brings his work troubles home and I often get it landed on me.
Sorry for such a long story.
I haven't really got anyone to talk to (I do sometimes but I don't like to bother them too much)
So thank you for listening.
Please can you give me some advice.

All sounds so close to home and I am amazed how similar they are.
Mine told me yesterday, that he’s happy I’ve calmed down a bit and he just wishes I wouldn’t start confrontation..that way life would be less stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just didn’t react. Shocked to the core tho!!

A favourite of my H is comments about looking at my iPhone or iPad too much in an evening as it means I’m not chatting to him (bear in mind I see him ‘a lot’ ) however he does it for hours every day including first thing in a morning when I’m not yet properly awake - so that’s ok then - just not ok at points it doesn’t suit. I honestly find most older men exasperating

Mine truly believes he's absolutely in the right. I cannot get him to see my POV.

Was almost confirmed by (male) counsellor at Relate, who thought I was some kind of menopausal Harpie. Everyone tells you that you shouldn't go to couples counselling with an abuser.

Sooooo right!!

I also get the 'stop shouting' when it's him doing it. Once I understood the projection, it makes a lot of sense.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie why shouldn’t you go to counselling with an abuser?? I’ve asked him several times if he will go with me in the hope a third person could show him its him being abusive. He’s refused every time!!
What happened when you went?

Abusers just use counciling to further make you seem like you are the one with the problem. They can even convince the councilor and then you end up with two people telling you you are the problem. Never go to counciling with an abuser.

And if you KNOW your partner is abusive, stop looking to try and fix things and get out of there. You can't fix him and - he doesn't want to fix your relationship, he likes to see you off balance in order to be in control, so why would he want to change that?

He doesn't need to 'realise' he is being abusive. YOU need to realise, he intends to be abusive. He knows exactly what he is doing.

Part of the reason we get caught up with them is we keep thinking if we could just explain ourselves properly, they would understand why their behaviour is hurtful and not do it. This isn't the case. They aren't like us. They have no sense of shame about hurting you. They don't care.

Think about it this way: If he kicked a puppy, is it the puppy's fault? Should the puppy have yelped louder to try and convey its pain in order not to be kicked again? No. Because normal people don't go around kicking puppies. And normal people don't go around being abusive to their partners. He is fundamentally different to you in a way that cannot be changed.

You are light and he is dark. And he acts like he doesnt like you because he really doesn't like you.

@Flossie44

Pinkbonbon has put it better than I ever could. The Relate therapist was completely taken in by DH. I ended the sessions because he (therapist) didn't seem to understand that I felt frightened and unsafe. I kept repeating those words almost weekly - in front of H and when I had my 1-2-1 session.

My personal counsellor once told me that 'Hope' is a dangerous thing - it's what keeps us in relationships FAR longer than we should be, because we hope things will get better.

And yes, H kicked our elderly dog. Said he 'tripped up' on it. DDog was deaf so never heard him coming

Incredibly sad reading some of the posts here. I really hope you ladies find the strength and courage to leave your abusers. They are fucking cowards. Oh and guaranteed once you leave they will usually cry, beg, threaten suicide, then when that doesn't work they turn nasty. Textbook abusers. Absolutely sickening.

I can empathise with so much of what has been said. Until a few weeks ago, I was trapped in exactly the same position, in a long term marriage with a man who gave every impression of hating me, whilst maintaining his stance of permanently being the victim. Through the grace of God, I summoned up the courage to tell him I wanted to separate. Even now, I can't believe I managed to make the words come out (previously paralysed by the statistics that say leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a partner), but I am more grateful every day that I did. I now live in a peaceful home with my 3 children and maintaining as little contact as possible.I truly believe that when the time comes, you will be able to get out. I think I will be working for a long time to completely remove his grip from me - 25 years is a long time of being conditioned and bullied, but babysteps. Not one year ago, I'd persuaded myself to be content with the fact that statistically women live longer than men, so he would probably die before me and I may have a year or 2 of freedom after that. Talk about setting the bar low!

After I said I wanted to separate, I received a very long letter from him about how he had been doing a lot of thinking, he realised how awfully he'd treated me, said he would get counselling, prove he could be a good husband etc. Guess what? When that didn't work to hoover me back in, he's gone right back to being himself, which is not a pretty sight. He only meant those things in the sense that they were an attempt to get me back, and thank goodness I've done so much reading and research over the years (most recently about covert narcissism, which seems to fit the bill perfectly), or I would have totally fallen for the crocodile tears and fake remorse. It is still all about him - I have taken everything from him, I have thrown him out, blah blah

There is an excellent thread here, or 3 perhaps, where a woman is divorcing her sulking husband. She put up with years of his abusive sulks and silent treatment. Do try to find it, it might throw a lot of light on what your husband is doing. The title is 'sulking dh' or something like that.

The thread is by @jamaisjedors, and the current thread is called "Divorcing sulking dh". Well worth a read.

Pink Bon Bon, thanks - he does want to win at everything. Even chess against 11 yr old.ds.
Apparently his dad is a narcissist. He is seeing a counsellor who seems to have a very low opinion of me. But he’s stopped yelling since seeing her.
He gives the impression of being nice but weighed down by work and how useless I am being.

One of the comments here, that you wouldn’t let a stranger in the street talk to you like that has been a real eye opener. Thank you. Am actually realising how it’s not ok, even if you are tired, to be rude and then act as if nothing has happened.
Sorry, bad morning, he in a right grump and I can I feel the cycle of grump building again. I was doing really well at feeling confident and this mornings comments have sent me plummeting down again. I really need to believe I’m not crap.cos I’m beginning to have doubts. Exhausting

everythingbackbutyou wow you’ve done absolutely amazing!!!!!!!! Well done. What a role model you are to your children. You must be so proud and rightly so. Do you feel
Stronger when he makes contact with you now??

It’s wierd you should say about the letter he wrote that was soft and sweet, then when he didn’t get the reaction he went back to how he truly is. My dh did this recently too. I’d attempted to gain strength from within. He didn’t like it. Asked me aggressively what was going on in my ‘fucking head’ as I was not reacting to him. (I was behind closed doors but I didn’t let him see my tears). I told him nothing, I was just processing things in my mind. It freaked him. So he asked me really nicely to say what that was. I again refused. So he went mental. Really mental. Started punching the table and was incredibly abusive. I still stayed calm. Just stood and watched him calmly without flinching. And then quietly said ‘and that’s exactly why I won’t tell you’. And walked away.
However he saw my tears and it was like he gained strength. I really did get a couple of weeks of constant abuse then. No nice bits in between. It was like I’d asked for it because I tried showing strength.

Omg flossie. Well done, you are amazing. Total respect.

Treatedlikeamaid - it didn’t work tho. It just fed his anger and made me feel
Weaker

Oh flossy, I think you need to phone women’s aid, it sounds like you are in a bad situation much love

I too have found a bit of inner mojo.
He doesn’t like it one bit. And now calls me aggressive.
If you knew me, you’d find that last description laughable.

Hi ladies, sorry, I need a hand hold.
He’s been simmering for a while..tells me I need to earn and am trying to start a business in what I did as a career, so it’s not unrealistic. In run up to Xmas I made 1000 and am , was very proud. He’s not said One encouraging thing, just told me I’m wasting my time. He’s been moaning about the house being a mess and His moods have been building for days. This morning, while I’m trying to get my last orders done he decided He had to clean even though he works all week and shouldn’t have to. I said i haven’t asked yo u to clean, it’s your choice, I’d clean after 11:30. he’s been stopping about hoovering and occasionally banging open the door to Stare at me but not say anything.Now he’s just come in, told me it’s a waste of time the house is a mess he can’t have it like this what do I think I’m doing and I can’t use this room anymore.
I tried to say calmly, that I said I was busy until 11:30 and after that, I would tidy. At which point, I think he got what he wanted because he could dump the cleaning and stamp off upstairs. Is this abusive?, I must say I’m fed up with it I’ll try and try to keep positive And was actually looking forward to cleaning the house for Christmas and making it nice,but now I’ve got no mojo, feeling really anxious and odd. Obv I should stop and clean, but I have to get the post . Sorry, thanks, feeling odd

treatedlikeamaid They don't like you to feel like you are achieving something (because they can't stand people being happy/secure in themselves). They also hate you to have attention invested in anything/anyone else - so they often try to disturb you on these occasions. Derailing your plans or get your attention back on them somehow ect...

Yes it is abusive, because its stopping you from living life on your own terms, from making progress in your dreams, from having your own needs fulfilled. It's manipulation for control, plain and simple.

He is emotionally and verbally abusive. That's all you need to know. It's not you it's him. I lived with the same shit and eventually got a divorce. Do it as soon as you can. The freedom from daily fear and misery is a revelation

Thanks very much for getting back to me. Really really appreciate it, as will everyone else in the thread. Sorry if I’m being out of order posting op. But I’m guessing we are all learning off each other. Certainly learning off you guys.
pinkbonbon you are very good at clarifying what, to me, is confusing.
Yellow, it’s hard to know if am being justified in being disgruntled. What’s accaeptable.Well done for divorcing. Very hard.
But pink, I think that’s what’s happening! Omg! Whenever I want to do anything there’s a reason why not. Or a lot of eye rolling and disapproval. Lately I’m ignoring him and doing it anyway and he’s Not Happy..you are right, I just couldn’t see it.
But then he says,‘I’m not mean,I’m just worried about finances and you having a minimum wage job doesn’t help’ (?) then spends a grand plus on computer for ds. I don’t get it.

I don't get it

Don't worry about getting it. Worry about getting out.

We aren't like them. It's light and dark.

We tie ourselves in knots trying to understand them. Often because we care for them and just cant compute why they are with us if they don't feel the same. We keep assuming that they must care for us in their own way and just don't know how to show it. The truth is that they don't care for us. They just care about taking from us.

You need to rid yourself if the fundamental notion that just because you are a decent human being, who doesn't want to hurt anyone and who will adjust their behaviour if someone tells you it is hurtful, that everyone else is like that. They aren't. They literally couldn't give a shit as long as their needs are met.

Often we also get stuck in a cycle of trying to understand their actions - just so we can work out what to do in order for a quiet life too. Which usually ends up with us altering our behaviour somehow. But no matter what we do it - isn't good enough for them or they change the goalposts.

Stop trying to understand them. All you need to understand is that they will take and take until you are a shell of who you were. And driven round the bend to boot!

Treated - I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As if it’s not stressful enough at this time of year hey.
How’s things now??
Really, you deserve huge congratulations for earning what you have. You’ve worked hard despite being knocked constantly. You deserve a hug and praise.
He is definately jealous of what you’ve achieved. He doesn’t want the attention on you. He doesn’t want you to do better than him. Hold your head up high and know you’ve done great. And that’s his failing. Not yours.

My dh has been ok. But today he had stuff to do. Which evidently made his stressed. And because he had stuff to do, nobody else could have anything else to add to it. No one could have anything else to say about their day. His was the important one.
We then all made our own pizzas. The dc loved it. Dh led on sofa refusing to join in. He moaned and criticised throughout the whole thing.
Then we sat down to watch tv. He continued to be cold and snappy. When I spoke to
Him he screamed saying I was ‘going on at him’. I doubted myself for a minute wondering if I had. But I’ve spent the last half hour in silence going over what happened. And I know I didn’t. I was nothing but nice. I’ve pampered him. He’s looked on the edge a few times the last 48hrs but I’ve worked so hard to stop him blowing up. It’s exhausting. Could cry actually. He’s screaming and moaning at me, then turning to the tv and laughing out loud.

Thanks pink, am re reading all your comments and trying to absorb them. I did think he just doesn’t know how to show he cares. I have changed my behaviour until family commented. Now I’m doing my own thing, it does seem as if he’s’ punishing ‘ me.
Thanks, you are so good at explaining.
And oh flossie, that sounds awful. It’s not violent but it does sound as if he’s deliberately trying to upset you in the meanest bullying ist way. He does actually sound as if he’s a spoilt kid from your description. Big hug and a hand hold. It really does seem like you need to take some advice and pronto. Again from what pink says and what my counsellor said, don’tnwaste your energy wondering whether what you did was nice or noT, you wouldn’t let a stranger treat you like this ( that’s such a good bit of advice):and to concentrate of figuring out what you think,mand what you like to do. Please seek advice or a counsellor, please do it soon.you are a wonderful kind lady and should not be treated like this. Xxx

Sending you all strength and love for 2020