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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what is going on

50 replies

treeohle · 15/12/2019 22:54

Background - Been with Dp for 10 years, we have a 3 year old son and have our wedding booked for May 2020 (been planning for a while), normally very stable couple with no major issues.

Current situation- My employers and my Dp employer scheduled their work Christmas party nights for the same night. Dp would goes out quite frequently were as I do not. He stated that he definitely did not want to go to his Christmas party and so I went to mine. I felt that at the last minute he was regretting this decision but I was on my way out to my own at this point. He mentioned along the lines of you could leave yours early and I could nip out to mine for a bit'. He messaged me during the night but around 11pm he started being rude and said he was going to sleep.

The next morning he woke me up in quite an aggressive manner shouting at me to get up and look after ds as he was going out. He then ignored me all day, later that day he shouted at me to get myself sorted and up instead of lying their in a heap (hungover). Now 2 days later we still haven't spoke.

I'm really confused as to why he has reacted in this manner to something so trivial but when questioned denies this is the reason and states in a sarcastic tone 'I'm not speaking to you because I've nothing to say'

He slept on the sofa last night.

He is 35 years of age fgs

OP posts:
Skye55 · 15/12/2019 22:59

How old are you?

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:00

I'm 33, it's just to random that he is reacting like this and yes I'm being stubborn ignoring him back but I have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 15/12/2019 23:01

Sounds like exactly what you think... he regretted his decision and is now taking it out on you for not going back on your intention to go out and let him go.

He's being an arse and of course he won't say what's wrong cos he knows exactly what a prick he will sound. Hes probably desperately scrabbling for something you've actually done that would justify him getting the hump so he can blame it on that.

Sounds like he's being a prick. I'd sit him down and put this exact theory to him, calmly, and ask him if he realises just how f*ing unreasonable he is being. Hard to ignore when it's put in plain facts right to you. Stroppy child.

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:04

I have raised it with him and his response was he's not angry about anything he just has nothing to speak to me about and then continues to ignore me. It's just so very strange.

I know he is regretting not going out and he's taking it out on me. He goes out with these same people nearly twice a month so there's no excuse for this aggressive reaction.

I'm just worried that theres more to it or more so his feelings for me or something, not sure

OP posts:
Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:06

I'm on the sofa tonight but only because I feel too awkward going to bed with him, when I went to bed last night he got straight up and went and slept on the sofa

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 15/12/2019 23:12

This is a huge over reaction and actually his fault for not being honest about wanting to go to his works do. He sounds very passive aggressive. I’ve behaved a bit like that myself in the past I’m ashamed to say. I’ve sacrificed some things I’ve wanted in order to please others then been inwardly livid when they haven’t done the same for me (I’ve been a people pleaser and peace keeper due to my childhood - I see it now and don’t behave that way any more).
He needs to give his head a wobble. Is he normally ok?

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:14

Thanks for the replies, yes he is normally ok I was quick shocked by the way he spoke to me considering it's over flipping nothing

OP posts:
1CantPickAName · 15/12/2019 23:16

Could there be ‘someone’ he was hoping/planning on seeing? Why would he be so upset about missing one night out?

fedup21 · 15/12/2019 23:17

What a baby! Go to bed and let him be uncomfortable on the sofa. Tomorrow, say to him-it sounds like you’re pissed off with me because I went on my work do and you didn’t, and see what he says.

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:20

If there was someone he hoped he would see then I don't know why he said for weeks that he didn't want to go to his. All very odd

OP posts:
Rose87777 · 15/12/2019 23:20

If this was my DH I’d be straight up asking him what the foxtrot his problem is!

AlternativePerspective · 15/12/2019 23:22

Sounds to me as if he’s looking for a reason to end the relationship.

Two days of silent treatment? Sleeping on the couch? I wouldn’t stand for it and I’d leave. I’m not of the LTB persuasion normally but I would leave over this. If he’s not serious then he will have to either snap out of it or have a discussion. But it sounds to me like he wants out.

Aminuts23 · 15/12/2019 23:24

As I said I used to behave like this sometimes (usually when I was hormonal tbf). It’s horrible because you get ‘stuck’ in the feeling that you’re been treated badly (even though you’re not and you know deep down it’s your own fault). I used to have to drag myself out of this feeling. I’m not sure what you can do. Confrontation will make it worse and last longer. Just try to get back to normal and that should bring him round quicker. I sound like I’m defending him, I’m not. I’m coming at this as a guilty party and trying to remember what made me get my own head out of my arse Flowers

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:25

I tried to speak to him he's just being very angry about it unreasonably so. I have sent him a text message, not sure if he will read it he might be asleep.

OP posts:
TigerDater · 15/12/2019 23:26

Talk to him. Don’t let it fester. Don’t sleep apart. Stick like glue and make him talk

Hinchunup · 15/12/2019 23:29

He's being abusive. End of!

CalleighDoodle · 15/12/2019 23:29

He is punishing you for going out.

You said he is normally fine, but that he goes out very regularly with these people. Have you ever asked him not to go out on a night out before? And how did he react? Or do you accept his regular nights out happen? Because until someone is stoped from doing what they want, theres no reason for them to be a dick about it.

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:32

I've never stopped him going out ever infact I often drive him to where ever he is going, I also enjoy having a night just me and ds sometimes.

He has no issues with me going out and he will drive me to my destination and offer to pick up if not too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:33

When he stated last minute that he wouldn't have minded going I text our childcare provider to try get her last minute but she was busy. So not as if I stopped him going or did anything to cause this.

He stated for weeks and weeks that he definitely did not want to go to this party.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 15/12/2019 23:39

I wouldn’t be sleeping on a settee because he’s sulking. If he wants to stomp out let him.

Aminuts23 · 15/12/2019 23:42

Don’t sleep on the sofa. Go to bed and be comfortable. He won’t move. He must know by now he’s behaving badly. I am sorry it’s like this. I was a stubborn beggar when I got this head on. Just awful. He’ll be just as miserable as you I’m sure

Dorri82 · 15/12/2019 23:47

Tell him to fuck off to his parents or friends while he is acting like such a child!!! It sounds like he's being pathetic. There's clearly something bothering him. I suspect he's seething as you went out and enjoyed yourself (good on you) but it's his own silly fault for being so indecisive for weeks beforehand.
If it is something else... then you're not a bloody mind reader and he needs to go away and stop being so negative around you and your child until he can sort his shit out. What a man-child!! Xxxxx

CalleighDoodle · 15/12/2019 23:48

Op, if he wanted to go out at that point he should have been trying to arrange a sitter, not you.

And thats my point. You havent seen this behaviour before, because he hasnt had his night stopped before. Does he always get to do what he wants?

Original poster
treeohle · 15/12/2019 23:57

@CalleighDoodle

I get what you mean. I'm not sure I have never said no or anything to a night out I'm normally the one encouraging him to go but he does very often go at the last minute and will say he's not going up until an hour before,

OP posts:
KellyHall · 15/12/2019 23:57

If he's like this now, what will he turn in to when you're married?
Why does he think you deserve to be treated this way?
I'd definitely be sleeping in the bed. He can fuck off to anywhere else if he's so determined to continue his adolescent style strop.
In the daytime, sit him down and make it clear you need a proper explanation for this behaviour because it's so out of character. If he can't explain it, tell him it's not an acceptable way to treat you and please don't marry someone who believes such behaviour is ok.

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