Was I in the wrong with male friend ?

[Phoenixxx]

It's a guy i've known for almost 20 years who's an old schoolfriend. There has never been anything romantic between us, never seen him that way, he did tell me once he liked me but it was literally 7 years ago, and he's had a girlfriend for a couple of years now.

We hadn't spoken for ages and then saw him out by chance and we got back in contact. To be honest, i'd just had my heart broken and he was giving me advice re the guy (in our Facebook messages).
He had once mentioned that his girlfriend was very paranoid and always accused him of cheating. I said that I didn't want to cause trouble by messaging him, but he said that she would have to deal with it as he's allowed to have female friends.

Anyway one day I messaged him an update about this guy i'd dated.it was quite long so I sent it as a few seperate messages rather than a long paragraph.

One hour later I got a message from an unknown girl saying "You have messaged my boyfriend 5 times ! Is it urgent ?!"

I said it wasnt and just explained that I was an old schoolfriend and didn't want to cause any trouble. She said ok no worries then didn't hear from her again.

If you were me would you stop messaging the male friend ? I really don't want to cause trouble between them.

Yes I would stop, it must be causing trouble in their relationship because she felt the need to message you.

In order for her to have my name she had either read through his messages or asked for my name. I know it's not a healthy situation and he is allowed to talk to other girls, I don't want her to think i'm trying it on and make her paranoia worse.

No I wouldnt stop. Your school friends nothing more. Not your fault shes paranoid and dont trust him 🤷‍♀️

No, she's not in charge of who he is friends with. If he doesn't want to talk to women then he is a grown up and can stop contact. Or he can choose not to allow his girlfriend to control him.

OP I'd message your mate and ask what he wants. Tell him you'll respect his wishes if he doesn't want to continue the friendship but as you're clearly not doing asnytgbog wrong, you don't want to cut contact u less he asks you to.

I asked him and he said he wanted to keep contact. Just don't want further messages from her, sometimes he vents to me about her and I do feel bad, and worry that he's seeing talking to me as an outlet.

I wouldn’t lose a friend you are allowed to have male friends and him female friends! I’d maybe not message home late at night/ early morning and consider the frequency so as not to cross any boundaries but unless he tells you to stop then no. In a similar vein, if a female friend had a controlling male partner who didn’t like her going out with her friends I wouldn’t stop contact there either. Just draw clear boundaries and be honest if she asks.

Because I know how it is, my boyfriend was always moaning about me and then raving about this girl from work who he became 'good friends' with and later dumped me for. But clearly that will never happen with myself and him, just don't want her to believe that.

He’s the only one who can tell you to cut contact.

True. If he does I'll respect that and I will pay attention to boundaries.

If you press shift & return you can make paragraphs.

You mean in messages ? Yeah I thought it would just be easier to read but she saw me as sending him message after message which i can get to be fair.

Sorry but your 'friend' is a cunt. And you should gave realised this the second he started slagging off his gf to you. You are nothing but an ego boost to him. He likely talks to loads of other women and fantasises that they all want him. His partner is being devalued as he has already obtained her. Now it is all about the chase of other women. Not necessarily to cheat, but just to feel desired/important to them.

Stop contact. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He is nasty. And certainly not the sort of person you should be giving personal info in your life.

He vents to me about the relationship. I've told him several times that if he is not happy he needs to leave as it's easier for both, but he says he loves her and it's not easy to leave.
I have wondered about the ego boost thing, not just with him but with 1 or 2 other males. Maybe it's not going well with their girlfriends and talking to myself or other girls is some sort of escapism.
However I hope this isnt the case with him.

Oh and Google 'narcissistic triangulation'. She probably got your name because he talks about you to make her paranoid.

This one reeks op. No decent man slags off his gf to some once upon a time pal, online. He is trying to foster closeness quickly with you and is triangulating you (playing you off against) the other women. Get out now before there is a shitstorm. He isn't a nice person.

I agree with pp I think hes being abit of a dick aswell and I think you're probably one of many. I also think 5 messages to him is excessive. You dont know if they've been trying to enjoy a day out and you're constant messaging would be a bug bear.

It is easy to leave. They’re not married, no children, he shouldn’t be slagging her off and you shouldn’t be listening to it. It all smells off, you’re heartbroken and he’s comforting you, he’s apparently trapped in a terrible relationship with a controlling nightmare and you’re sympathising. If you feel it’s crossing a line then I’d dial it back from your side and confide in other friends. You must have other people you’re close to if you’re only recently back in touch with this man. And no, she can’t stop the two of you talking, though I’m not seeing that she did?

I would be absolutely livid if I were you! That was a conversation about your life, about your affairs with your boyfriend and you were confiding in a friend.
How dare she not only read these messages but also contact you to feel this way?!
Your doubting your friend's reasons for being friends with you simply because she's insecure about their relationship.
Friends confide in each other, that includes venting relationship problems.
Next time you see your friend, tell him how you have the right to privacy and respect like every other friend of his.
If he can't support this then you will need to walk.

Yes, do stop; you've done nothing wrong at all but the girlfriend doesn't know you or understand the relationship so there's no point in making her feel insecure. She'll get over it in time but that isn't your scene so just leave your friend alone unless/until he gets in touch again.

It's sad when friendships fade like that but I'm sure you have a life with other friends.

Sorry but your 'friend' is a cunt. And you should gave realised this the second he started slagging off his gf to you, so you honestly never talk about personal relationships with any of your friends??

I agree with @Savingshoes. I’d be hopping mad if someone read my private, entirely innocent messages about my own life to someone else and then felt entitled to message me about it in some kind of bizarre orgy of possessiveness, based on nothing whatsoever other than my possession of a vagina.

Jeeeeez you lot are paranoid.

Don't you vent to female friends about your relationship. Go home and mention their name to your OH. Not to make anyone paranoid but because your friends. And your OH has pissed you off that day and you needed a rant.

Why does that all change once it becomes an opposite sex friendship..

So is it OK for my new bf to stop me talking to my female school friend because he gets insecure if I confide in her?

Just what he wants pp, to be piggy in the middle between op and his 'oh so evil and controlling gf that he can't seem to leave' when in fact, he is the puppet master. Pulling all the strings and then sitting back to watch.

Please try and think of the poor partners perspective.

I'll give you an idea of how it goes living with a narcissist (which I suspect,he might be). She meets a guy, he seems just perfect, its a magical whirlwind ride (love bombing). They soon end up in a relationship and for a while she is so so happy. But then, things start to change. Just little things at first. Like, he seems 'off'...and then, little criticisms start to come in. Like, he doesn't like 'that new shirt of yours' or 'I think you'd look better as a blonde' (meaning: I dont like you brunette) and then gradually, worse things. He tells you your friends are sluts or family don't have your best interests at heart. He withdraws physical affection and implies you are too needy. But he starts to demand more extreme acts in the bedroom and if you aren't OK with them, you're a prude.

You call him up on some of his behaviour only to be told that you are the one with the issue: why are you so over sensitive/nagging/crazy/controlling
ect...

...'am I? Am I those things?'.

He tells you things and does things and then five minutes later, denies saying and doing them.

His phone constantly beeps whilst he us sat on the sofa next to you, ignoring you. Because...well you dont know, but you must have done something wrong...right?

He starts talking about his awesome friend who is so cool and has great style. 'You should dress like her' he says.

Eventually, you call him out on it. He says 'she is just a friend' or 'she texts so much because she is obsessed with me, what can I do?' But, he doesn't block her.

Ultimately one night, upset, lonely and stressed out if her mind she decides to read the messages and ask the girl what us what herself. She feels shame going this and knows it will be held against her. He will punish her tenfold by stonewalling, shit comments and cruelty. But she has to know.

She sees he has been slagging her off to another woman. And heart breaks just a little bit more. She didn't even think that was possible. Where is the man she dell for? ...Why isn't she enough?

Get the jist of what might be going on now?

Pink, I'm wondering what you're going to call your novel. That's quite some imagination you've got there.

Fuck me, Pink. Maybe gf is just a bit of a controlling dick. Occam's razor says probably.