Was I in the wrong with male friend ?

[Phoenixxx]

It's a guy i've known for almost 20 years who's an old schoolfriend. There has never been anything romantic between us, never seen him that way, he did tell me once he liked me but it was literally 7 years ago, and he's had a girlfriend for a couple of years now.

We hadn't spoken for ages and then saw him out by chance and we got back in contact. To be honest, i'd just had my heart broken and he was giving me advice re the guy (in our Facebook messages).
He had once mentioned that his girlfriend was very paranoid and always accused him of cheating. I said that I didn't want to cause trouble by messaging him, but he said that she would have to deal with it as he's allowed to have female friends.

Anyway one day I messaged him an update about this guy i'd dated.it was quite long so I sent it as a few seperate messages rather than a long paragraph.

One hour later I got a message from an unknown girl saying "You have messaged my boyfriend 5 times ! Is it urgent ?!"

I said it wasnt and just explained that I was an old schoolfriend and didn't want to cause any trouble. She said ok no worries then didn't hear from her again.

If you were me would you stop messaging the male friend ? I really don't want to cause trouble between them.

What?! You told him to leave his girlfriend because he’s complaining about her to you?That’s not a friendship, if he was a friend you’d offer advise to help them out! Would you still want this friendship if you had a boyfriend? Leave him alone, they could just be having a rough patch and you are causing more problems.

Nope, just something I've heard time and time again from women who have been in these situations. Well, a mash up.

I used to work closely with ppl who had been in abusive relationships. It's pretty common that his sort slag off their partner to other women. Also not rare for their partners to confront the other woman, imagining her to be some partner stealing vixen. Because that's the story he has painted. Whilst also telling other woman that his partner is crazy/controlling.

There is a great deal of difference between confiding in a close friend about relationship issues and badmouthing your current partner over and over again to another woman whom you have only recently reconnected with.

Well that explains Pinks massive projection...

Of course I could be putting two and two together and getting five. But there are lots of little tells that suggest I could be onto something in ops info.

Also, as for the most likely scenario: what is more likely? A man staying with a controlling partner, even though he knows what she is like. And is telling other women about it online.

Or him just telling new potential love interests (or ego boosters) that this woman he is with is so so horrible - In order to get sympathy and attention/a leg over.

Both are surely at least equally possible. These forums are filled with women who have met the later person.

But this isn't some potential line overheat or random woman online. It's an old school depends if 20 years. It's quite dismissive of op to suggest he's kept on touch for 2 decades just so site can flatter his ego

Sounds like there's a bit of 'man hating' going off from some people.

In all honesty op, you should back off and leave your 'friend' alone.

It seems like you are a friend he could do without.

I'd remain in contact. You have a genuine friendship.

Next time I'd reply with "nothing urgent, but not your business either" lol.

There is a great deal of difference between confiding in a close friend about relationship issues and badmouthing your current partner over and over again to another woman whom you have only recently reconnected with.

Oh, one of the easiest ways to get a woman on the hook, and keep her there is to confide about his own relationship troubles. Not saying every woman falls for it. Hardly the case, but enough do that it is a tried and true method. Add to that that the OP already knows he has had feelings for her, and what better way to lower her guard than to tell her that that he is over them, all the while building an emotional relationship with her.

Fuck her. What a control freak

How many women would be perfectly fine with their husbands confiding their relationship issues in a single female friend, whom the wife does not know at all, and he had confessed feeling for?

Its not man hating, there are plenty of male victims of narcissistic abuse too I assure you. It just happens to be the case that slagging a partner off to another person is a common behaviour pattern amongst this sort. I actually have seen it first hand from a woman too. They play damsel in distress needing rescued. Where as the guys play poor put upon soul just trying to do the right thing, so worthy of respect and sympathy. It's the same con. And a very common one.

As for a twenty year relationship-op knew him in school, a few years back he hit on her and they have only recently got back in touch. Sorry but that isn't what I would call close friendship. More like an old acquaintance.

And if I was other woman I wouldn't be cool with my partner telling my business to some old acquaintance with whom I hadn't spoken to in years and suddenly picked up an interest in for some reason. Oh, and once hit on.

Even op knows she would feel that way too. That's why she us posting. Her gut is telling her (despite this man being happy enough to continue hurting his gf) that it probably isn't an appropriate relationship. Because, it isn't.

Not nice of him to moan about his relationship to a female friend.

He's told you he likes you in the past. He's slagging his gf off with you. He's a cock and you're enabling him.

How many women would be perfectly fine with their husbands confiding their relationship issues in a single female friend, whom the wife does not know at all, and he had confessed feeling for?

Their issue surely is with their husband/partner's behaviour in that case, not the friend they are confiding in.

Of course it's the partners behaviour that is at issue, but many on this thread seem to think there is nothing wrong with it, and that the real issue is the girlfriend.

And while the OP is not doing anything wrong in that she has no obligation or commitment here, she needs to be aware that she is complicit in being the conduit for his quite possibly poor behaviour. If she's ok with that, have at it, because ultimately it is on him.

Well, in the 21st century anyone who doesn't understand that sometimes notifications saying 5 messages might just be one long message is an idiot so I'm inclined to say ignore her.