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Original poster

Do men dislike quieter/introverted ladies ?

50 replies

Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 18:33

I think that we are completely entitled to prefer someone who's an introvert or an extrovert, but recently I just feel like men i've known always prefer louder, extroverted girls.

I've always been naturally shy and my father is the same, but I have improved a lot.
I believe I have good conversations with people and i'm told i'm interesting, intelligent and funny. I make an effort to ask people questions and to be interested in them.

However twice now i've been left for someone else.
Both girls I was left for were loud, 'party girl' types (not saying there is anything wrong with that). I don't drink either, because i'm on meds but also because I just hate being hungover, and i'm so much more focused on sports.

Also feel like certain men expect you to go out and get pissed a lot, then still have perfect skin, hair, teeth and size 8 figure, that wouldn't happen for me.

A couple of years ago I had a FWB and I eventually asked him why he didn't want more. He said that he wanted someone who "wasn't shy, and was sociable and outgoing."

That hurt me, but i've since realised it doesn't matter what he thought. I believe you can be both shy and sociable, they are not mutually exclusive.

I try my best and I make an effort socially. Just feel like they are always choosing girls who are louder and who like to drink and party, and who are just more 'out there'.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being shy and quiet but just feel a bit fed up. Any advice ? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 18:34

I also think that shy/introverted people are sometimes unfairly judged. I've had people ask me in public "Why are you shy ?!" but I would never ask somebody why they were loud. You can be quieter but also confident.

OP posts:
AppropriateAdult · 15/12/2019 18:35

I don’t think you can generalise about men as a whole like that. DH, for example, wouldn’t know what to do with an extrovert, bless him Grin

Thestrangestthing · 15/12/2019 18:36

Completely depends on the man Confused

Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 18:37

You are right I cannot generalise. It's just that in my case I have been rejected 3 times because of it now. I haven't yet met any men who prefer someone like me.

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly90 · 15/12/2019 18:37

I think generally introverts prefer other introverts and extroverts prefer extroverts, regardless of gender. There are exceptions of course, but I think that's how it usually works out.

How are you meeting people? Guys who go to the pub will probably want women who go to the pub.
I met my partner on a video game and we're both big 'indoor' people, as that's more of an indoor activity.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/12/2019 18:37

I think people generally gravitate towards sociable people that other people like. That doesn’t mean the loudest in the room but more confidence.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2019 18:38

What is with all the posts recently about what men like or don't like??

If you have to change yourself to appeal to a man, you won't be happy with him. I can promise you. It is not too much to expect to find somebody who likes you for you.

Menora · 15/12/2019 18:39

I am quite confident and outgoing but I don’t like going out getting pissed in bars. I am extrovert by myself, indoors 😂

A certain type of man wants a drinking buddy in a GF. Another might want cuddles on the sofa

AnotherEmma · 15/12/2019 18:39

This is not AIBU but YABU to generalise and to refer to women as girls.

It sounds as if you're choosing the wrong guys. If you found a guy you were compatible with he wouldn't be saying you're too shy and dumping you for someone else. It sounds as if your self esteem and standards are low, try and work on that.

Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 18:40

Yeah, that makes sense.
I've met men in different ways really, through where I live, OLD, through friends etc.
There was another guy I used to go on long walks with and we would chat for a few hours non-stop. I thought we had a great connection and then one day he said I was a 'quiet person' even though I had talked to hours for him.
I try to come across as friendly and approachable. I feel fairly confident in who I am but i'm just not loud and never have been.

OP posts:
Dominoz · 15/12/2019 18:42

How old are you OP? I don't think it's as much about extroversion vs introversion as you might think. The right person will love you for you. You don't have to change for anyone.

Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 18:42

I put ladies in the title 😁 I am in my 20s and I would say 'girls' for women of my age. Apologies if it caused offence.
I'm sure I just haven't met the right person. I don't feel I need to change and won't, it's just disheartening this has happened several times.

OP posts:
Olliephaunt4eyes · 15/12/2019 18:45

I think we sometimes all think people look for things we can't have. I spent my teens and twenties definitely being a party girl and felt at the time like I always got left for the "nice" girl that guys wanted to settle down with - I was only good for a shag and a drink. Then I met DH and now I don't give a toss if those guys didn't want to go out with me.

Really, you only need to find one person you're compatible with. Then the others won't matter at all.

Srictlybakeoff · 15/12/2019 18:46

Did the guys who left you for someone else stay with that person or move on. I think different people like different things. I am shy and introvert and was much worse when I was young. However I was nearly always in a relationship and have now been married for 30 years. You just haven’t met the right man.

Dominoz · 15/12/2019 18:47

Maybe you're attracted to more extrovert people so you could be clashing a bit. Continue being you. You will definitely find the right person. You don't need to drink or be loud to be attractive. Quite the opposite.

Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 19:08

Thank you for the replies. As far as I know they are still together. And the FWB who rejected me is now with a very extroverted girl.
I'll just put it down to not having met the right person. Honestly I don't know why but i hate being labelled as shy or whatever.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being shy or quiet but some people have to draw attention to it and act as if it's a weakness.

OP posts:
BSintolerant · 15/12/2019 19:09

There’s a huge difference between being shy and being introverted. There’s nothing wrong with either.

Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 19:11

If we comment on those who are loud it's usually in a jokey way, but I feel like some people who are shy/quiet are seen as having a problem and that something is wrong with them or their social skills which is sad, we don't seek to change 'loud' people.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 15/12/2019 19:17

DH and I are both quiet. I wouldn't say shy as such, I'm quite confident, I just like my own company and am happy to listen rather than dominate in a group situation.

RossPoldarkFan · 15/12/2019 19:20

I'm quiet and people have commented on it, definitely introvert. I have been married twice, second time he was extremely extrovert, a complete party animal, so being quiet is not a reason for not finding a man, you just haven't found the right one.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 15/12/2019 19:24

You can't really generalise across the entire male population.

For me, people can be too introverted if they shy away from getting out and doing things. I wouldn't like that. I'm fairly introverted myself but I'm also very sociable in ways, I just don't like small talk.

Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 15/12/2019 19:25

It depends what kind of quiet you are really. Like would you be up for doing karaoke and making a bit of a wally of yourself or having a dance at a wedding or chat to people you don't know on a night out?
I think people are attracted to people who look like they're having fun, who are charismatic and don't take themselves too seriously

HarrietTheFly · 15/12/2019 19:30

I'm a pretty quiet person, though can be more outgoing around certain people but mostly I'm quiet and thought of as shy. I'm autistic and not great at certain social interactions but I don't really consider myself to be shy. It's the impression people get I suppose when someone is quiet. I know when I was younger (like primary and secondary school age), my "shyness" was not seen as a good thing. Mainly the criticism came from adults. Nobody has ever said they wouldn't go out with me because I'm quiet or shy though. My DP is not an extrovert but he's much more sociable than I am.

Stuckandsadintheupsidedown · 15/12/2019 19:32

Sorry I'm very clumsily trying to say that I wouldn't date someone who felt too selfconcious to do the above, I would feel held back

Original poster
Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 19:33

You are right I cannot generalise. And i'm not at all, just as it's happened to me several times it's made me wonder if they were bored with me or something.
I love doing karaoke and i'm always up for having a laugh. I will just continue as I am and the right person will like me !

OP posts:
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