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Original poster

Do men dislike quieter/introverted ladies ?

50 replies

Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 18:33

I think that we are completely entitled to prefer someone who's an introvert or an extrovert, but recently I just feel like men i've known always prefer louder, extroverted girls.

I've always been naturally shy and my father is the same, but I have improved a lot.
I believe I have good conversations with people and i'm told i'm interesting, intelligent and funny. I make an effort to ask people questions and to be interested in them.

However twice now i've been left for someone else.
Both girls I was left for were loud, 'party girl' types (not saying there is anything wrong with that). I don't drink either, because i'm on meds but also because I just hate being hungover, and i'm so much more focused on sports.

Also feel like certain men expect you to go out and get pissed a lot, then still have perfect skin, hair, teeth and size 8 figure, that wouldn't happen for me.

A couple of years ago I had a FWB and I eventually asked him why he didn't want more. He said that he wanted someone who "wasn't shy, and was sociable and outgoing."

That hurt me, but i've since realised it doesn't matter what he thought. I believe you can be both shy and sociable, they are not mutually exclusive.

I try my best and I make an effort socially. Just feel like they are always choosing girls who are louder and who like to drink and party, and who are just more 'out there'.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being shy and quiet but just feel a bit fed up. Any advice ? Thanks

OP posts:

maginachevalier · 15/12/2019 19:51

Hi op . You have described me down to a T . I am also single and have been for a while now . My last ex also left me for a very extroverted girl but I can't change who I am . It's just what it is

BooFuckingHoo2 · 15/12/2019 20:20

For what it’s worth OP I am an extrovert and have been dumped for much more introverted women in the past!

Nothing wrong with you at all, it’s just about finding a man you match with!

Loveablers · 15/12/2019 20:28

This is not AIBU but YABU to generalise and to refer to women as girls

Oh for goodness sake, seriously?! Some people get offended over anything these days

Ironically you went on to call men ‘guys’

Ohfrigginghellers · 15/12/2019 20:28

I once said to someone 'I'm not quiet, I'm just not as loud as you'
Shut her right up

LilyJade · 15/12/2019 20:42

I'm quiet but actually pretty confident & chatty once I get to know someone. I can be shy & this has been mistaken for being stuck up.

One of my best friends is also quiet & she is the only other one of our group who still single.

My experiences in my love life have been with either Southern English men or foreign Asian or Arabic men.

Basically I feel that Southern English men prefer flirty loud confident women for whatever reason. I hate to say it but maybe they feel they don't need to make as much effort?

But Asian & Arabic men have seemed to find my quiet personality more appealing, I think it's a cultural thing? But few of them are single / divorced.

Worst of all on dates I actually shake with nerves. I try to hide it but I'm avoiding dates at present as I'm attracting the wrong men.

Anyway, OP I think you have a point but I don't know what the answer is.

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2019 20:56

I'm betting fwb was just an asshole who 'rejected' you by telling you what he thought you thought about yourself/would make you feel was your fault that he didn't want more. He didn't want more because he was a snivelling little narcissist who was cool with continuing to sleep with you when he knew you liked him. Bastard.

As for the other guys - people tend to want something different to what they currently have. If you had been loud and overt they may have left you for a quiet lass.

The issue however, may be your boundaries. It sounds like you are staying with the wrong sort for longer than you should. And too quick to assume you are the problem when things don't work out. Poor self esteem or, just being too easy going and understanding or quick to let behaviour slide for a quiet life as you dont like confrontation, can mean you end up staying with shitty fake-ass ppl longer than you should.

Read up on things like narcissistic personality disorder (as you may have had a few of these about by the sounds of it). And perhaps, 'codependency' just incase also.

MrsBobDylan · 15/12/2019 20:58

It is much more likely that you are choosing the wrong men op, than anything to do with men preferring extroverts.

I had lots of relationships with men in my 20s who said they loved my outgoing personality. 30 seconds after starting a relationship with them, they each set about changing me into someone who was less outgoing.

The man I married is an introvert and we work well together because we accept each other as we are and are very similar despite me talking a million times more than he does

AnotherEmma · 15/12/2019 21:00

"Ironically you went on to call men ‘guys’"

Not ironic at all. It would have been ironic to call them "boys".

ChristmasSpiritsOnThRocksPleas · 15/12/2019 21:01

I’m very introverted. I’ve never been left by anyone at all or had difficulty meeting men who were interested. I don’t think it’s really an issue.

fedup21 · 15/12/2019 21:06

Some will, some won’t.

Original poster

Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 21:12

Thank you for the replies, they are very helpful and I will keep reading over them !

OP posts:

Fanlights · 15/12/2019 21:14

Are you exclusively attracted to extroverts, OP? I can think of a friend of mine at university who was both shy and an introvert, but who had a habit of falling for loud, extrovert alpha male types who literally didn’t see her. A quiet, laid-back mutual friend fell for her, and it just struck her as ridiculous. She eventually married him years later, after realising she simply didn’t compute at all in the eyes of the types she went for, but I’m not sure it’s been particularly happy.

Original poster

Pearlxox · 15/12/2019 21:17

I think I like something in between. Just someone who's easy going that I can have a conversation with. I guess I wouldn't want someone who never stopped talking and couldnt get a word in edgeways with, but that said I wouldn't have them as my FWB or date them in the first place.

OP posts:

Perpetuallysingle · 15/12/2019 21:20

I hear you! Introvert here too. In the past I have been terribly anxious too. In terms of romantic relationships I'd only ever work with another introvert I think.

fllinn · 15/12/2019 22:10

I'd like to object about the idea of needing to be up for a laugh and do karaoke etc. I am reserved and inhibited and there is no way in hell I would do karaoke!! I would want to curl up and die. But I don't feel that has made any difference in my relationships. Just to demonstrate the opposite end of the spectrum to those men who apparently like "party girls" - my husband says he was attracted to me specifically because he prefers women who are quietly confident and says he dislikes loud women. I'd love to say that is for relationships only IYSWIM but in social situations in general he finds people who are particularly loud or talkative hard work. Our personalities suit exactly though - we prefer to go for a nice meal at a quiet restaurant than to a bar. We'd rather watch Netflix in PJs than socialise with other human beings other than our most favourite friends and family. I suspect you just haven't met the right person yet. You don't even need to be 'fun' by societies standards - if you'd prefer to stay home and debate the meaning of life then there will be a man who wants to do just that, but you may not meet him at a party!

lilgreen · 15/12/2019 22:16

It’s their problem not yours op.

Schwibble · 15/12/2019 23:07

The women I've been cheated on with in the past have been loud, party girls who smoke heavily..slim as well...I sympathise with you OP as it seems to me that it's what men like.

MrsBobDylan · 15/12/2019 23:34

Oh right, so quiet, non-smoking, fat women who prefer to stay in are less likely to cheat?

I think that stereotyping people into categories is as unfair as it is pointless.

MrsBobDylan · 15/12/2019 23:37

Sorry that should say 'are more likely to be cheated on'.

Aminuts23 · 15/12/2019 23:52

You just haven’t met the right guy. I also don’t think you can generalise but I understand why you kind of did. You sound very confident in yourself which is an attractive quality I think. I personally find overbearing extroverted people an absolute nightmare. But that’s just me. Other people love them. Each to their own 😁

NorthEndGal · 16/12/2019 00:12

People complain about folks that are extroverts and people confidence all the time,
'she a party girl, one of the loud types, queen bee, bold, always get the good parts, centre of attention, always has people hanging off them, travels in a pack, always gets noticed, etc' especially here on MN

People on here even complain about kids that are outgoing and self assured

tinselvestsparklepants · 16/12/2019 14:18

I am an introvert, in the sense that I need to be in my own to recharge. When I met DH I realised he was the one for me when I noticed that he is the only person I can be "on my own" with. If that makes sense. (An evening with him and I'm as restored as if I'd had an evening alone. )

When I was single I knew that the man for me wasn't to be found at the pub but was at home, reading books. Turns out he probably actually was.

You will find that person, and even if it takes a while it will have been worth the wait.

tinselvestsparklepants · 16/12/2019 14:21

Ps there's a good book called Quiet - the power of being an introvert (or similar) by Susan someone - it's very good, even if I can't remember what it's proper title is!

milliefiori · 16/12/2019 14:24

Maybe you are attracted to men who aren't right for you. Some loud men need a quiet women to calm them down and would be glad of you. Alternatively and probably in the long run, more successfully, some introverted men would love to meet a quiet, thoughtful person who doesn't need to be the centre of attention. But do those men make moves?

Fleamaker123 · 16/12/2019 14:48

You sound like I was in my twenties...I was always called quiet, and people think they can say what they want to you they can be really rude! I remember that sinking feeling too of chatting to someone thinking I was doing quite well... then oh you're quiet. But you will find your kind of person. I'm in my fifties now, still prob thought of as quiet, but hey that's just me! You WILL meet someone, like I did. Don't compare yourself to others, you will have likeable qualities, trust me!

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