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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help :( Caught OH texting escorts!

51 replies

Glalas7 · 15/12/2019 17:37

I feel like this is the only place I can actually talk about this.
I've been with my partner for 10 years and this year he proposed. For the past two years I have been dealing with my mum passing away (she was really young and unexpected) and then my grandmother this year. So it's been tough.

He left his smart watch in the living room and something in my gut told me to look at the messages. That's where I saw 3 messages to 3 different escorts last friday when he was out drunk at his works night out. From what I can see from the messages he didn't do anything as the escort said he was too late (he was going bank to bank to get money as per the messages). He then came home and was all over me, which is also unusual because he very rarely can get going when hes been drinking.

I'm utterly heartbroken and feel totally betrayed. Weve been planning the wedding and have just paid to go through ivf next month Sad.

When I approached him he was apologetic but then got defensive that he never done anything and it was just texts...even though he went and got money and wouldve clearly went to sleep with her if he got the money in time.

What the hell do I do? He said I'm throwing away the years and our family for something he cant remember doing because he was so drunk. All I've ever wanted was a family with him and to be married....but I feel like my trust is completely gone as I just never expected him to do this to me :( x

OP posts:
Gemma1971 · 15/12/2019 18:34

Marriage proposal followed by trying to book a prostitute.

What a classy bloke you have there. AND trying to gaslight you for ending it because of what HE has done.

Makes him even more of a twat. Pack his bags. Adios. And make sure you get tested. He has done this before I would imagine.

Gemma1971 · 15/12/2019 18:37

He's a trickster. A dangerous one. It really is a case of LTB.

Get back what you can from wedding arrangements and IVF. I think a wee angel has been looking out for you and saved your bacon!

My ex was on dating sites behind my back and looking for swinger clubs. All the while making plans for the future but also being a bastard towards me in many ways. Some abusers are cleverer than him though. Yours is much sneakier.

Ditch him. Whatever it takes. Wipe him from your life like wiping dog shit off your shoe, because he actually is an utter turd.

Dominoz · 15/12/2019 18:55

I'm so sorry to read this. What a massive shock. I wonder if he is really as lovely as you mention or if this is a nail in a coffin for you guys. Is this where you want to be? It sound like nothing happened but there was intent which isn't great, probably after a while of research into who to contact etc

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 15/12/2019 19:26

Oh love so sorry you going through this. Please be kind to yourself..
I just replied on another thread to something similar you must be in shock.
Its vile what he has done so please dont minimise this?
Booking prostitutes like going for a kebab 🤢
I am questioning how drunk he was to look up available sex workers and withdraw money?
You are trying to get pregnant wouldnt his efforts at sex been better aimed soley towards you?
Run for the hills he got the right words ( so he thinks) to fob you off but he sounds like a punter to me and if you stay will get better at hiding it if you give him the green light to carry on.
Think of yourself with a child with him always wondering...
There are decent men out there who would not dream of degrading you like this. You deserve better. He on the other hand deserves what he gets. X

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 15/12/2019 19:36

Thank fuck it's happened before you had his kid 🙌🏻🙌🏻

Lucky escape babe

PositiveVibez · 15/12/2019 19:44

No way is this the first time he's paid for sex.

Thank god you found out now before you married the cheating bastard

StayClassySally · 16/12/2019 22:32

Are you ok, OP? Thanks

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/12/2019 23:35

But then got defensive that he never done anything and it was just texts

That should tell you everything you need to know, not that the act alone isn't bad enough.

Please don't walk blindly into a disaster by marrying and having children with this rat...

Toss him back in the dumpster where he belongs, and get an STI test.

Don't think for a second or you keep him that's the end of it!

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/12/2019 23:35

*if you keep

snoopy18 · 16/12/2019 23:44

Gosh do not get married to him & definately don’t have a child with him. You will regret it.

Sugarpea123 · 16/12/2019 23:57

Ltb

Dogladyxo · 17/12/2019 05:52

I agree with pp this is something you can’t come back from

KarenSmith123 · 17/12/2019 06:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 17/12/2019 08:19

You can't stay with him after this. This is his level of behaviour and thus part of who he is. You would be forever at the clap clinic getting tested because you have no clue what or who he is doing when he out of your sight!
Time to start seeing him as a mangy un-neutered tom cat instead of marriage material. The sooner the image changes in your head the sooner you will feel better from putting your trust in a knobber like him. It's the minimising and the lying as much as the intention.

I wouldn't even be able to look at him.

GilbertMarkham · 17/12/2019 08:25

*it is a huge step to contact a sex worker, I highly doubt a novice would contact 3 at the same time.

Being drunk is no excuse either? If it was, then he'd be fine with you shagging other men, so long as you'd demolished a bottle of chardonnay first....wouldn't he?

Do not marry him or have his kids. You'd be in for a lifetime of misery.*

This.

GilbertMarkham · 17/12/2019 08:30

What sort of person looks up and contacts prostitutes (including going to get money to pay one for sex) on a night out when they've got a fiancee at home?

.. Not one you should ever marry or try to be in a relationship with.

You're throwing it away .. nope, he did.
Heard that line before, but usually when the poor woman already had kids; and he's trying to use it about potential, not even in existence kids; what a manipulative, sick twat.

GilbertMarkham · 17/12/2019 08:32

Time to start seeing him as a mangy un-neutered tom cat instead of marriage material.

He's not even casual relationship material, let alone marriage material. He sounds like a (regular) punter who thinks it's normal to use prostitutes, whether single or attached.

Original poster
Glalas7 · 17/12/2019 08:37

Hay folks,
I'm just completely all over the place 😔 I confided in a family member yesterday so feel a bit better just speaking to someone. I think I'm still in complete shock and I can't even stomach him being in the same room as me. This maybe sounds really bad, but I feel like the death of my mother has made me tough in the fact that I know il be fine with out him. Worse things have happened and I've survived. All I know is I deserve the respect and love from someone who wouldn't ever do anything like this to me. Fuck him 👍🏻

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/12/2019 08:41

Tell your family, you need their support. Why would you protect him? If he really thinks his excuses are valid (they’re not) then he can explain himself to others.

GoodBoyPeachGoodBoy · 17/12/2019 09:01

I'm a believer that what people say and do in drink is their actual persona. The drink drops the mask and inhibitions.

The turning it around on you too! What a feckin cheek!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/12/2019 11:02

It qasnt a drunken mistake eg someone coming into him and him not saying no in time. He tried 3 different escorts, and got money out, that's trying quite hard to cheat on you. And how he has turned it round on you is ridiculous, he is trying to dismiss and minimise his behaviour and blame you for the break up - disgusting

holly40 · 17/12/2019 11:14

Get an STI test. He's no novice.

Hope you find the strength to leave him for good, move on and find lots of happiness elsewhere.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/12/2019 12:07

He said I'm throwing away the years and our family for something he cant remember doing because he was so drunk

What utter horseshit.

He's the one that's thrown it away.

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole after that. How did he get the phone numbers if he was so drunk? Because he already had them.

Get an STI test and get rid. Sorry, OP. But better to find out now than after the wedding. Flowers

PerpetualCircle · 17/12/2019 13:52

Your well rid of him. Better to find out now and not later.

StayClassySally · 17/12/2019 18:29

You sound like you'll be fine once you get over the shock and betrayal. Youve done the right thing and should be very proud of yourself