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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

53 replies

JulesBA · 15/12/2019 15:04

Hi everyone,
I just really need someone to talk to.Im having the most horrible time.I live with my husband who has fallen out with everyone and blames me for everything.He won’t talk to his family,he’s fallen out with my elderly parents because they held their grandchild for a few minutes and he is so nasty.He has no friends.
Everyday he insults me..I’m a loser,pathetic,waste of space and that’s not the worst.
I look after our daughter all day,everyday ( he doesn’t even have to change a nappy) and I go out to the hairdresser once a month ( with my 19 month old daughter so he doesn’t have to look after after her ) He drives me there once a month which is a 15 min journey.The abuse I get because I do this is horrendous.Im in the doghouse for days after.As we have no friends or family close by I never get a minute to myself.
To top it all yesterday my hairdresser ( who is a woman) invited me out for a glass of wine or a coffee sometime.
Guess what..he’s been screaming and shouting at me creating such a drama over this that I feel I’m not allowed to go out on my own.
I’m trapped by a man who won’t allow me to do anything or see anybody without asking permission.No family on Xmas day and I’m dreading being stuck in the house with me.
Ladies..What do I do?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 15/12/2019 15:06

Yes, this is emotional abuse

PlasticPatty · 15/12/2019 15:08

Leave.
Will your parents have you and the baby?

Bananalanacake · 15/12/2019 15:10

yes. this is abuse. you say he's fallen out with your parents but can you visit them with your dd so he can't complain he has to look after her.

Greenkit · 15/12/2019 15:11

Please make plans to leave this vile man

There are so many people here who can help you x

Potplant · 15/12/2019 15:16

Yes. And with coercive control thrown in for good measure.

Can you go to your parents?

Original poster
JulesBA · 15/12/2019 15:24

Yes.My parents are elderly and I don’t want to upset them but I can go and they would love me to be there.Its horrible and even worse as were in a different country.I used to smile and he’s stripped any happiness away from me.Thank you everyone xx

OP posts:
Greenkit · 15/12/2019 15:27

Get some finances in order and get advice about leaving.

Coronade · 15/12/2019 15:30

Leave. Ask your parents if you can move in with them till you get sorted. Do you want your daughter to end up with a man like him?
You deserve better. This is not how a partnership works. He is destroying you emotionally which is just as bad as beating you physically.
Please go before he starts on your daughter. X

Thatagain · 15/12/2019 15:34

Yes this is emotional abuse. Sorry op it looks like you need to pack a bag and go. ASAPP. I don't think you will upset your perents. I think your perents will be upset that you are suffering. Try not to worry (easy said I know) you need to think about your DD future and leave so she doesn't see how her dad treats you.
Please go op.

MellowMelly · 15/12/2019 15:35

You must leave and you are very fortunate that you have somewhere to go. You must utilise this opportunity for you and your children.

He is horrible and it’s not good for any of you Sad

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/12/2019 15:37

Run for the hills. Really. Your beautiful dd must not grow up thinking this is normal and you deserve much, much better!!

Thelnebriati · 15/12/2019 15:40

This is worse than emotional abuse, its also coercive control. Please try to leave as soon as you can safely do so, don't be afraid to get support from the police.

SnowyUnicorns · 15/12/2019 17:08

Don't allow your baby to be brought up in such a toxic environment. If you can move in with your parents until you get yourself back on your feet then do. You deserve better than this.

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/12/2019 00:36

and if you were my dd and your baby was my granddaughter i would move heaven and earth to get you home, and would not want you to be the least bit worried about upsetting me.

KellyHall · 16/12/2019 00:39

It's lots of kinds of abuse.

Get yourself and your child away from this arsehole as soon as you can and never look back.

whonoes · 16/12/2019 00:56

Pretend that one of your parents is poorly and has to go to hospital. You’re needed at home urgently for a few days. Pack a bag for you and your DD. Go tomorrow. Never go back. Never. He’s abusive and you know it. Once you’re home call a solicitor and get this arsehole out of your life

Chocmallows · 16/12/2019 00:59

Whonoes idea sounds sensible as it gives you reason to look stressed as you leave. Better still can you pack and leave straight after he's set off for work and then message to say you are off to theirs at the time he would be getting home?

Treatedlikeamaid · 16/12/2019 03:44

Agree with chocmallows. Wait till he’s out, leave then message him when you have got to your parents. Strongly suspect If he is there he will try to stop you at best with a lot of shouting and guilt inducing rubbish. Why’s put yourself through that? Good luck definitely leave and work it out from there. Baby steps!

Dery · 16/12/2019 08:14

This is emotional abuse and coercive control - both are forms of domestic abuse in the UK and are crimes. This man is dangerous. Do as others have said - get out with your DD and go to your parents. If you have time, pack important papers, passports etc and some things for your daughter. Do it while he’s out and do NOT let him know you are leaving him until you are safely away - he may try to hurt you or worse. You will not upset your parents. They would far rather have you and your DD safe than with some bstrd who won’t let them hold their grandchild. I repeat he is dangerous to you and you need to get away from him. When you are away from him, read “Women Who Love Too Much” which explains the dynamics of abusive relationships and how to break the pattern. If you stay, your daughter will believe this is normal and repeat the cycle.

Be aware that after you leave, he may turn lovely and/or threaten suicide and/or attribute his behaviour to MH issues. Ignore all of that and stay strong. The loveliness means absolutely nothing - it’s how nasty he can be when things are bad that counts and he is truly nasty. He won’t kill himself and if he threatens it just call the police or his parents and let them deal with it. Re MH - abusers have now started using this as an excuse - MH issues do not cause people to be abusive, being an abuser causes people to be abusive.

Lots of women who post on MN have been where you are and got away, including a woman whose husband had set up cameras round the house. You can do it, too, and you need to as soon as you can get away safely.

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 08:17

Please go to your parents if you can, as soon as you can. He's abusive and it's not acceptable, keep yourself safe.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2019 08:26

Wait! Note the "we're in a different country" bit. Will there be any repercussions of taking the child abroad without the father's permission? Which countries are involved and what nationality everyone is may make a big difference here. I don't know much about the subject so I can't give useful advice, but I do know this can be an issue in some situations.

I also know that this is no life for a woman or a child and that splitting is the best, right thing to do. But it must be done with care. Do a bit of discreet research first.

Original poster
JulesBA · 16/12/2019 08:34

I know.I just don’t know why he wants to hurt me so much.Im at home all the time,have no friends and all he says is you don’t work you should be happy.
He won’t leave his job even though that’s a major source of stress.
So this is my day.Everyday I wake up to a moaning,complaining husband who moans about everything.
I have no friends because he won’t allow it and I have no family close by.I take my daughter out for some of the day then I’m stuck at home feeling worthless.He says if you leave no big deal.
How can this man be normal? I can’t atop crying as I’m writing this.Is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 16/12/2019 09:04

Of course you don't deserve this. Nobody does. If you stay it will only get worse.
I know it won't be easy but please make plans to leave this man.
You and your daughter deserve to be happy. Every day he is destroying your self confidence and your self worth.
Every comment and put down is slowly eating away at you til you believe it's true because he's drumming it in to you, day in and day out.
He is controlling you. Why shouldn't you have friends?
Go to your parents and get you and your daughter away from this vile man. You WILL be happy again when you're not controlled by him. You can have friends and do what you want. It won't be yet and initially it won't be easy but you will get there. Flowers

KellyHall · 16/12/2019 09:06

You don't deserve to be abused. He treats you this way because he is an abuser, not because of anything else. Adults know how to behave and he's chosing to act this way.
Get yourself and you child away from this vile creature.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2019 09:06

Of course it's not what you deserve!
And neither does your DD.
So make a plan to get away as quickly as you can.
Give Womens Aid a call today - 0808 2000 247
They can help you with a safe exit plan.
If you can speak to your parents and get to them then that's even better.
Do NOT wait for Christmas.
Let your DD see what a lovely Christmas is all about.
Love and support from friends and family.
Find your DD passport and hide it!
Find your own passport and hide it!
This is massive abuse on all levels.
Emotional, verbal, co-ercive control. No doubt financial abuse as well.
Look at the Womens Aid website. You can get a lot of understanding and information from that.
Plan your getaway.
Do it before Christmas.

He is NOT normal.
None of his behaviour is normal.
You do NOT have to put up with it.
You do NOT have to allow your DD to be raised in an abusive household.
Make your move and do it fast!!!!