Is this emotional abuse?

[JulesBA]

Hi everyone,
I just really need someone to talk to.Im having the most horrible time.I live with my husband who has fallen out with everyone and blames me for everything.He won’t talk to his family,he’s fallen out with my elderly parents because they held their grandchild for a few minutes and he is so nasty.He has no friends.
Everyday he insults me..I’m a loser,pathetic,waste of space and that’s not the worst.
I look after our daughter all day,everyday ( he doesn’t even have to change a nappy) and I go out to the hairdresser once a month ( with my 19 month old daughter so he doesn’t have to look after after her ) He drives me there once a month which is a 15 min journey.The abuse I get because I do this is horrendous.Im in the doghouse for days after.As we have no friends or family close by I never get a minute to myself.
To top it all yesterday my hairdresser ( who is a woman) invited me out for a glass of wine or a coffee sometime.
Guess what..he’s been screaming and shouting at me creating such a drama over this that I feel I’m not allowed to go out on my own.
I’m trapped by a man who won’t allow me to do anything or see anybody without asking permission.No family on Xmas day and I’m dreading being stuck in the house with me.
Ladies..What do I do?

@JulesBA Hopefully it’s clear from everyone’s responses that this is not normal - it’s completely wrong and you need to get away as soon as you can. You and your daughter are in danger from this man - he has already beaten you down to the extent that you are asking whether clearly abusive behaviour is normal. Your daughter can’t remove herself so you need to do this for her as well as for yourself because she will also be suffering as a result of his behaviour even if she can’t express it yet. I hope you’re not in a country where you need the father’s position to travel with your child (I believe that’s the case in the UAE) but if you are, then use the story which has been suggested about one of your parents being ill and needing to visit. The fiction is acceptable if it is the only way for you to get to safety - it’s self-defence.

PS he wants to hurt you so much because he thinks he can get away with it. He may have grown up in a DV household and think it’s normal. But it isn’t. On other threads I’ve seen people recommend ‘Why Does He Do This?’ by Lundy. But for now don’t get hung up on why - you can’t understand him because you would never behave that way yourself - just concentrate on getting yourself and your DD to safety.

What country are you currently resident in?.

Your DD and you need to be away from your abuser and it will do her no favours either to grow up in such a toxic abusive atmosphere.

He treats you this way because he can and feels entitled to do so. It is highly likely that his own father treated his mother abusively so grew up seeing daily abuse at home as his normal.

He is ultimately not your boss or jailer; he is an abusive bully of a man who targeted you and deliberately also to abuse. You need to plan your escape to your parents; once you are out of this country with your child you can then start to rebuild your lives.

And he’s British.
I’m going to take on board all of your comments and leave.
I spoke to his sister in law,the one person I’m close to and she said his behaviour is bang out of order and I should be at home with my family so our daughter can have friends etc.
I mean what man thinks having friends is needy? It’s because he’s fallen out with everyone that is why

I'm so pleased for you. It'll be hard at first but so worth it in the long run. Well done for making the decision

Absolutely soul destroying op. There’s no point in questioning why he hurts you the way he does because you will run rings around yourself trying to find an answer to a question that’s unanswerable.

Get away from this man before your DD is old enough for him to pass the abuse on to. He will ruin her.

Get out, and have a belting Christmas with your little girl

If you are leaving, please do it now. Today. His sister in law may pass on what you have said, and you could be at risk.

Honestly leave this waste of space. Be snide and get a back up plan so your not leaving yourself without and struggling
But for the time being
Get ready an walk out that fucking door an go for a well deserved glass of wine
Leave DD and just walk out. Don't ask him or give him an option. Do it an then yea face the dog house for a few days but who cares. Go let your hair down that your new friend has done. Have a taste of LIFE and then you'll soon get a bag an leave belive me !!

I hope your okay. He sounds one pathetic wierd man!!! Xx

Thank you everyone! I’m working on the exit plan right now.
Enough of the ‘you're a loser,you’re pathetic,no one likes you,you’re thick as shit etc etc
He may have grown up in an abusive household but that’s no way to subject me to it.
He’s destroyed my life

What he is doing is abuse OP, he is abusing you very badly. Frankly I would report him to the police under the recent coercive control laws and for his behaviour.

There is no point trying to apply logic to what he's doing, he does it because of his own problems, because he is a horrible person and an abuser. It's not 'you' OP, it isn't happening because you did anything to deserve it or did something wrong- you don't deserve it, your daughter does not, nobody does.

This isn't an acceptable environment for you or your DD, he will do the same to her. I would call Womens Aid for advice OP and seriously please consider logging his behaviour with the police. As you have somewhere to go I would make plans to leave, but do so safely and utilise the police to keep yourself safe when you do it.

You can do this.
He has not destroyed your life because you are going to take the control back. It is not your job to fix him and you have a right to be happy as does your child.
Best of luck.

And you are now taking it back!
Well done OP.
That's the problem with abuse.
That's why it's called 'the cycle of abuse'!
And that is why you have to get your DD away from him.
I hope you get out quickly and enjoy a peaceful loving Christmas!
You go girl!!!!

Thank you everyone.I started to read the book ‘Why does he do this’ and I swear it’s written about him.
I’m not going to let this man put me down anymore.Ive a degree so I’m far from thick.Im a happy girl who makes friends easily but he’s managed to strip that away from me.I think he’s just jealous that I get on with people and it’s winding him up.
But no more,let him lead his pathetic life looking at his laptop with no one to talk to.Im going to start living and start smiling again.He has deep rooted issues and unless he admits he’s got a problem and seek help it’s never going to change.

@JulesBA That’s fabulous news. You're doing so well and absolutely the best thing for your DD. It’s great that your SIL is supportive. Good luck with your exit plan. Wishing you and your DD all the very best in your new life free of this horrendous abuse.

Hi Derby..I’m having a rough time this evening.Just walking out on someone who has been part of your life for so long.I know it’s the right thing to do as I’m so unhappy but it’s still so sad.

You're grieving the man you thought he was and for the future you imagined having. It's so hard to accept that none of what you dreamed about will ever come true. You need to take back control and you'll start to gain all of your strength back. You can do this, honestly x

Everything @dery said. He is 100% abusive.

Also try the book "why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.
It will help you see exactly what he's doing and how he's manipulating you.

Please get out as safely and as soon as you can. Wishing you all the best

Oh! Sorry- just saw you have that book!

Makes me sick how some people treat others. Please pack a bag for you and your daughter, go to your parents and don't look back.

He still denies it’s his fault and I’m going crazy..
Talk about a Master Manipulator

He sounds like a very insecure vile man-child. He doesn't want you to have any friends or go out socialising in fear of you realising there's more to life than his bullshit. He puts you down and calls you names to make you feel worthless and for you to believe you don't deserve any better than him.
He says he doesn't care if you leave because he believes you won't.
Narcissistic comes to mind!!
He sounds disgusting. Take your little baby and shield her from growing up in this toxic unhealthy environment.
It'll be hard in the beginning... but short term pain for long term gain is worth every moment.
You know you deserve more than this, and so does your baby xxx

He still denies it’s his fault and I’m going crazy..
Of course he does.
NOTHING will ever be his fault!
He is Mr Wonderful and everyone else are just peasants!
He's telling you exactly who he is!
LISTEN to him!
Get out fast and stay away.
He will soon start with the 'hoovering' to get you back in line.
Ignore it all.

OP, are you ok?

Hi @JulesBA - those of us following your thread are sorry you’re having to go through this. As others have said, you’re grieving for the life you hoped to have with him. You loved him and he’s the father of your DD. These are powerful bonds and they hurt to break. But he’s the one who’s broken them. He’s the one who has made the family home unsafe for you and your DD. He won’t admit that of course, and he may not understand what drives him, but that is the truth. It may help you to read some threads from women who were in a similar position to you and have managed to get away. I will try to find one and paste in the link.

Here’s one and there are others: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3767190-A-happy-ending-DV

Most importantly, this is NOT your fault. No-one’s perfect. That doesn’t entitle him to abuse you.