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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been ignored by friend for over 2 months

50 replies

Dasbouncemachine · 14/12/2019 22:27

I could do with some advice on how to tackle this.
My best friend and I used to speak 2 or 3 times a week, mainly phone calls but WhatsApp also. I last spoke to them just over 2 months ago when they were going on holiday. We would agree we would speak on their return. 1 week after they were back I decided to call and thought it strange they had not called me yet to tell me about their holiday. No answer and no returned call. 4 days later I text them and asked if they were free and they said they would call me the next day. There was no call. Eventually they text me and say they have separated from their spouse of 18 years and a lot going on with work (we work for the same company so I know the jist of what's going on). So I leave it another week or so and text again saying hope all is okay etc with no reply. This pattern has continued, I send a nice text, or try and call with no answer, no acknowledgement of what I've said. A couple of weeks ago I got a bit annoyed and asked what had I done wrong? And got told they were just busy with work. This is a person who I have shared everything with and we have gone through a lot together and supported each other through so much. I can see them updating Facebook, replying to people on Facebook jokey comments etc, on WhatsApp online most of the day. Its killing me, I feel like I've lost a limb. Its breaking my heart. The non acknowledgement is so much worse than even a quick text to say they're busy or whatever. It's like they have just erased me from their life. I think about it every day and I miss them so much. Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
peardrops1 · 14/12/2019 22:30

You're definitely not overthinking it. This sounds like a very strange situation. Does she have any form for cutting people off suddenly? Is there anything you can think of that she might have taken offence at? Have you told her how hurt you feel (in a message, since she isn't picking up the phone)?

Louise91417 · 14/12/2019 22:30

Is there any link between her separation and her dryness toward you do you think?

Blowandgo · 14/12/2019 22:31

UNless you are the reason they have separated from their husband then I dont see a reason for it but maybe they are just too embarassed to discuss it right now? I have a best friend who I share everything with and would be as weirded out as you are but people process things differently. Perhaps send one final text sayig you are there when they need to talk and leave it at that.

AnduinsGirl · 14/12/2019 22:32

They're (He?) obviously going through a lot right now, and the last they need is to be badgered about being a shit friend as well! Just let them be, and accept they have other priorities in their life that need addressing.

Original poster
Dasbouncemachine · 14/12/2019 22:33

No form that I know of for cutting people off. I can understand giving someone space when their marriage has ended, work busy etc but over 2 months with pretty much nothing. It's driving me crazy. It's so out of character, we didn't argue or anything before they went away!

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 14/12/2019 22:36

How did you get on with her ex partner, could he have brought you into their disagreements in some wayHmm

Egghead68 · 14/12/2019 22:37

He or she?

Either way it sounds like you have been dumped as a friend I am afraid.

Time to move on.

Wellmet · 14/12/2019 22:40

It's clearly a he. There must be something more going on here.

Original poster
Dasbouncemachine · 14/12/2019 22:48

No not a he

OP posts:
OxiBrilloRange · 14/12/2019 22:49

Are you in love with him/her?

Original poster
Dasbouncemachine · 14/12/2019 22:55

No we are strictly friends. I'm not sure why I worded it as them/ they to be honest. But no, definitely wouldn't have been the reason for a marriage break up, just a very confused friend

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 14/12/2019 22:58

So you work together?

Original poster
Dasbouncemachine · 14/12/2019 23:00

No we don't work together, same company but very different roles that do not interact on a day to day basis

OP posts:
rvby · 14/12/2019 23:03

Your friends marriage has broken down and you "left it for a week" when they told you how much they are struggling?

Wow I wonder why she doesn't feel like texting you Hmm

Usingmyindoorvoice · 14/12/2019 23:10

Ok, in the kindest possible way, this is not about you.
Your friend is crawling through possibly the worst time in her life, and I would imagine has no energy to do anything other than support herself and if she has them, her children.
Stop texting, and messaging, either call her or pop round with flowers/wine or put a really kindly written card in the post, but respect the fact she is probably struggling to come up for air, let alone meet you needs and hurt feelings.

Usingmyindoorvoice · 14/12/2019 23:12

And her Facebook comments mean sweet FA, probably a carapace.

EL8888 · 14/12/2019 23:13

To me it sounds like you have been dumped as a friend l am afraid

Davespecifico · 14/12/2019 23:15

Just send a final text saying you’re there for her, then leave it until you hear from her.

Savingshoes · 15/12/2019 02:18

Being ghosted is horrendous and selfish and you have my deepest sympathy.

Your friend is all over the place trying to manage their marriage separation and all the grief/finances/family dynamic/self reflection that comes with it.

I wouldn't look at the interaction on social media as a true reality of how she is feeling but perhaps a brave front if anything.

You have reached out to her a number of times, she knows where you are.

You need to now put your own happiness first by not chasing her/checking her social media for clues.

Go about your life without her... in a few weeks time wish her a happy Christmas/New Year as you would normally over the Christmas period and remind her again that your door is always open.

Then focus on life without her because your self worth is equally important.

Zebrasinpyjamas · 15/12/2019 02:28

It might not be anything that connected to you. After a traumatic breakup maybe your friend has withdrawn from all nonessential contact and the things you can see (eg jokey comments on FB) are her going through the motions.
She might not have the words or emotional resources to chat right now and would assume you are going to ask questions about by we break up etc.

itsmecathycomehome · 15/12/2019 04:35

I find your post, and some of the replies, incredible. Her marriage of 18 years has ended and quite obviously the unusually distant behaviour is a result of that devastating event.

At the moment, she may be struggling to brush her teeth, never mind checking in with friends. All of her energies will be centred on getting through the day, supporting her children and doing essential, heartbreaking tasks like seeing her solicitor, putting her home on the market or applying for new jobs.

When my marriage ended I didn't answer phone calls or the door. My dog wasn't walked for two months. Basically, I didn't want to face anyone because I didn't want to talk about it.

Looking back on it, I had some fantastic friends. One friend text me lovely, supportive messages every couple of days, prefacing each one with your don't need to reply to this'. One friend rang the doorbell at least once a week. I didn't answer but she left little things on the step - a card, a bunch of flowers, a pizza once.

When I was ready, I resurfaced and my god I appreciated those friends.

OP, you obviously care about your friend but your response to this devastating life event has been less than one would expect from a best friend. I can't believe you messaged asking her what you had done wrong. Any distance now will be because she has gravitated towards those friends who supported her better.

And social media means nothing. She could be spending entire weekends on the sofa in her pyjamas, with nothing to do except fb. It allows her to interact with the world without any real emotional connection.

Ilovethekitties · 15/12/2019 05:17

I hate to share and when I'm really down my best friend just seems to know and Visa versa. We both aren't particularly in touch with our feelings so we tend to step away from each other if we are having a crisis because you can't hide from someone who knows you so well.

She probably just isn't ready to talk about what's happened re separation and is avoiding you. Just tell her theres no pressure and you're here for her when she needs you. I'm sure when she is ready to accept what's happened and wants to share she will.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/12/2019 05:37

Presumably you're not top of her priority list at the moment, and understandably so.

She told you she'd split from her husband and rather than offering to go round with a bottle of wine and a shoulder to cry on you left it for a week and said 'hope you're ok'. She might have really needed a good friend so I can understand why she's distanced herself a bit.

Goldenchildsmum · 15/12/2019 06:17

When my marriage ended I didn't answer phone calls or the door. My dog wasn't walked for two months. Basically, I didn't want to face anyone because I didn't want to talk about it.

I can see them updating Facebook, replying to people on Facebook jokey comments etc, on WhatsApp online most of the day.

So ....two very different scenarios

If I were you, OP, I too would be upset. Apparently unable to interact with you and only you

I'd go over and see her, with flowers and chocolates - one last ditch attempt to sort it out. If that doesn't work I would leave it and move on

tikitent · 15/12/2019 08:13

I have been your friend. When my relationship broke down it took months and months to be able to talk about it to friends and I cut people off especially those I was closest to. I would send her a card saying sorry she has had such a tough year and you understand that she needs some space right now and to text when she feels ready.