Been ignored by friend for over 2 months

[Dasbouncemachine]

I could do with some advice on how to tackle this.
My best friend and I used to speak 2 or 3 times a week, mainly phone calls but WhatsApp also. I last spoke to them just over 2 months ago when they were going on holiday. We would agree we would speak on their return. 1 week after they were back I decided to call and thought it strange they had not called me yet to tell me about their holiday. No answer and no returned call. 4 days later I text them and asked if they were free and they said they would call me the next day. There was no call. Eventually they text me and say they have separated from their spouse of 18 years and a lot going on with work (we work for the same company so I know the jist of what's going on). So I leave it another week or so and text again saying hope all is okay etc with no reply. This pattern has continued, I send a nice text, or try and call with no answer, no acknowledgement of what I've said. A couple of weeks ago I got a bit annoyed and asked what had I done wrong? And got told they were just busy with work. This is a person who I have shared everything with and we have gone through a lot together and supported each other through so much. I can see them updating Facebook, replying to people on Facebook jokey comments etc, on WhatsApp online most of the day. Its killing me, I feel like I've lost a limb. Its breaking my heart. The non acknowledgement is so much worse than even a quick text to say they're busy or whatever. It's like they have just erased me from their life. I think about it every day and I miss them so much. Am I overthinking this?

Can I just check, she told you her marriage had broken down and you didn’t reply for a week?

If that’s not a typo, then to be honest I wouldn’t be bothering with you either. I’m hoping there’s more in that timeline though!

"So ....two very different scenarios

If I were you, OP, I too would be upset. Apparently unable to interact with you and only you."

I don't think that social media is real life. I spent hours on there as a distraction and in the night when I couldn't sleep. I continued commenting on other people's posts, I talked to my mum and sister on WhatsApp, I obsessively checked out ow.

But if she is actually updating her own sm, with events or things she's doing (as opposed to sharing a meme or commenting on trivial things), meeting up with other friends and so on then yes that is different.

But I just don't think you can assume that, after an 18 year marriage has ended, that people are thinking straight or necessarily behaving rationally.

Personally, I would pop a note through her door. Say what you have said here - that you miss her and want to be there for her. Acknowledge that what she's going through is seismic.

When she told me about her marriage she said she would call me the next day. I didn't want to be too pushy and thought she's probably busy etc so when I say I left it I mean I waited for her to call but she didn't. Definitely didn't just leave it after she told me! I'm so torn, part of me knows her personality and thinks in 2 months, she's had 5 minutes to call! So I want to just say to her I don't understand why you have cut me off? But then as some people have said here, if she is struggling and thats how she copes I don't want to throw the towel in now in case she needs to reach out for me in the future. But I know her and this isn't like her.

I have a friend with extreme anxiety and she does this when things get shit in her life. Your friend is suffering and you’ve made it all about you. You are not being a good friend. Go to her house. Put a card through the door and leave a box of chocs and bottle of wine on the doorstep. She’s not talking to you right now because (from the way you write) you are an emotional drain and she can’t listen to you talk about you and all your problems right now. You need to step up and quick. In the card write “I’m so sorry your marriage has ended. I’m here for whatever you need. Can I take you for dinner one night?” and leave it at that. Then in a few days text her a supportive message. Keep doing that for the next few months.

@DasBounceMachine It sounds to me as if you’ve been ghosted for some reason. It’s happened to me before and it’s so unbelievably hurtful, you’ve got my deepest sympathies. The unanswered questions are the worst and not knowing what (if anything) you did wrong. for you.

Those saying pop a card through her door, she lives 2 hours away and we have to plan to meet up. If she doesn't answer me I can't just rock up with no notice

Also for context, hasn't been happy in the marriage for a long time and instigated the break up.

You need to be supporting her not needy and only texting her a week after her marriage broke down!!
You should have gone to see her straight away and asked her how you could help

How long have you been best friends?

@Dasbouncemachine

I reiterate that I would feel hurt too

A close ish friend of mine told me some personal stuff of hers back in the summer. Quite shocking but I said no judgement and talked her through it and told no one else

Since then she has been very elusive. Not the same at all.

No idea why. Maybe she wishes she hadn't told me ( tbh so do I)

But there we are. I can't force the friendship to return to how it used to be

So I've let it go - I'll be there is she wants me to, but I'm not chasing any more

Something must have caused this.

Can you think really hard, could you have said something that has caused this, even inadvertently? Told someone something and broken her confidence? She's not telling uou the reason. But no one dumps a good friend for no reason, so something you've done, she's taken offence at.

OP. You seem to be making this about you. OK, you can't drop a card round, but you can mail one. And regardless of the fact she said she'd call you a day after she told you her marriage had broken up, you didn't contact her for a week........she must have been so hurt by that.
Just a comforting message each day by text would have let her know you were thinking of her. But all you could think about was yourself.
Just take on board that you are in the wrong and that you've been a poor friend over this situation. I'm not sure that she'll understand your lack of compassion and empathy if you tried to explain to her why you deserted her. But, maybe she will.........
Learn from it.

When a friend of mine split up from her H she stopped seeing all her old friends , left her job and moved . Sometimes people just struggle with their past life . I would send a text saying that I hope she is OK , that you really miss seeing her and if there is anything you could do for her you would love to see her.

Oh and many many people sit and put comments on FB when they are dying inside.

Just leave her to lick her wounds. Being so close to her might make her feel she has to open up to you about her marriage breakdown or they may even have got back together and she’s not ready to discuss it.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong by not contacting her for a week - she told you she would call you. She obviously didn’t want to speak to you at that point because she didn’t ring you back.

I actually find speaking to those closest to me about painful things harder, more real.

This isn’t anything you’ve done. Send a card letting her know you hope she is ok and then Just leave her be and get on with your life. Im sure eventually she will reach out.

A very similar situation happened to me recently with a good friend who lives a few hours away. I knew that she was having relationship issues, but in my case there was over 6 months of hearing nothing at all in response to any of my messages, and when I tried to call she didn’t answer or even acknowledge the call. I kept trying every few weeks and eventually got a response. She’s been having a terrible time but I’m hoping to see her soon. I know it’s hard if you want to support a friend and your efforts are being ignored. I have been sad, confused and annoyed about it all, and a bit hurt that she hasn’t even realised that I also have some pretty bad issues right now with my own family. My advice OP is to keep trying but don’t bombard her, but at some point you might feel like giving up and that’s OK too if you are getting nothing back.

Sympathies OP, this has clearly upset you very much and I don't blame you. The lack of contact is so hurtful (although I see plenty of the usual clamour to blame you for your own sadness - no wonder Mumsnet has a nest of vipers reputation). Your friend could well be very depressed - depression causes people to withdraw and become quite isolated. In your circumstances I would send a Christmas card saying that you are thinking of her and sending love. If she doesn't get back in touch with you after Christmas then maybe, sadly, you might have to move on. If you read other threads on Mumsnet about ghosting you'll find that it's surprisingly common. People can be very cowardly.

Is it possible your friend had an affair/fling/found something awful out about Ex and is just too embarrassed/humiliated/expecting judgement to tell you?

Ok, you live 2 hours away from one another and you use to communicate by text 2-3 times a week.

Did you ever live near one another? How long have you been friends and how long have you lived far apart?

I think more background is needed if you want people to give you possible insight.

To me, the fact you’re physically 2 hours from each other completely changes this scenario. Now it reads like you consider her your best friend, while she considers you one of her friends that she texts with.

I think you should just leave her alone. She obviously is busy and stressed. I’m sure she will be in contact again when things settle down a bit.

"When she told me about her marriage she said she would call me the next day. I didn't want to be too pushy and thought she's probably busy etc so when I say I left it I mean I waited for her to call."

So she told you about her marriage breakdown and said she would call you, and you just waited a week for that call?

And then you sent a text saying that you hoped everything was ok. Surely you can see that it was too little, too late? That your 'giving her space' actually just came across as not caring that much.

I think that's a pretty poor response and not what I'd expect from a best friend.

I suspect that she expected a better response from you too.

To me, waiting a week for a call is what you might do if someone tells you they've had a bad day at work or the car needs an expensive repair.

She was disappointed by your response, is being supported by better friends, and in her current frame of mind has decided that she cba explaining any of this to you.

" A couple of weeks ago I got a bit annoyed and asked what had I done wrong?"

And that will have been the nail in the coffin.

If that text came on a day she'd spent comforting children, valuing her house, signing divorce papers, arguing with her ex, crying over old photos or just generally having a shit day, her response to your text pinging through would surely have been 'oh do fuck off'.

There’s a natural ebb and flow to all friendships.

Your whole op and further responses are very self centred. I have a friend who I’ve gone quiet on at times, because contact can be somewhat draining. ‘Me, me, me’ dramas and problems. People are radiators or drains, and certain people at certain times can be a drain too far.

If she doesn’t feel comfortable with sharing her personal thoughts and she can’t cope with dealing with you, then switching off from the friendship is the only way to have some peace really.

Many years ago, I had loads going on at a particular time of my life (think massive workload, nightmare boss, shit boyfriend, etc.). I was completely miserable and struggling to keep up with it all. Out of the blue one of my friends sent me the shittiest of emails saying how selfish I was and that everything was about me, she needed some attention, etc. I was absolutely speechless as she didn't know the half of what was going on.

I replied to say that life was a bit difficult and would be in contact when things were more under control. We kept in contact but our friendship waned after that. Just decided that needy and childish friends were not for me.

If you want to stay friends then take a step back before making it all about you. You probably have no idea what is happening in her life at the moment.

If I'd told my best friend I'd ended my marriage and that I'd call her tomorrow she'd reply straight back: "oh god, are you ok? Is there anything I can do? Let me know if you need me to come over (regardless of distance). If not, I'll speak to you tomorrow."

My best friend lives in another country and offered to come over. I didn't let her, so she text every single day, always messages that didn't need a reply and I knew she cared and 'got it'.