Is this crazy? has anyone done any of these things?

[user63212]

Hard to describe how sad I feel about not having a marriage or a family. both are things i want in life.

the last 18 months i have been single and has three things almost start but didnt go anywhere (i called it off) and have had many many dates. at 34 (35 in 6 months) i have now accepted that this could be it for me - i may never find someone.

i am too distraught tonight to consider what route to go down to have a child alone as i think i would find this extremely hard to do. i would need to emotionally prepare myself for it as i have no close family around to help out and even the ones far away would be unlikely to be supportive of this decision.

i feel like i have three options 1. settle for one of the men i have met and who really want to pursue things with me. ive had feelings for these men dont get me wrong! but i dont feel wildly excited to see them and i am still quite ok alone. 2. have a baby another way. i earn around 62k and to be honest one of the key things that worries me is money. can i do it alone? how can i face appointments alone? it all seems so sad. 3. get pregnant and then my baby has a dad but i would do it in the knowledge that i would be completely responsible for the child and would have to assume the man may not be interested. if he is, it is a bonus. i know a few people this has happened to (not sure if it was intentional) but if it happened accidentally to me i would be so happy. what a mess this all is!! never thought i would be thinking these things.

i feel so broken tonight. any advice welcome.

You can do it alone, people find themselves single parents from having children with the wrong person they adapt fine.

Your in no rush but dont settle for someone just for a child. Take the next 6 months off dating evaluate what you really want and go from there

mermaid i dont feel like i have the luxury of time anymore. i wish i did because i think i would want to hide from dating and men for a while! im so sick of dates where they seem to think there is a spark and i feel nothing, like theres something wrong with me

I had my children at 49 and 38.

I found my husband and married age 50.

You never know what’s around the corner

Er, 40 that’ should say, not 49. That really would be unusual .

It's perfectly possible to go it alone. Do your research into childcare practicalities and costs before you decide. Do you have parents who could help out?

It's also still possible to meet someone but if you go it alone, you'll be in control.

Theres nothing wrong with you. Your putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone its making you feel terrible

If you chose to fo it alone which imo is better than a deadbeat dad involved then do it. It's what will suit you and child best.

I met my husband at 39, married at 40, first baby 41 second at 43. Don't settle, its not fair on either of you.

Don't co-parent with someone you don't trust implicitly, agree with and have each other's back. If you can help it. They will be part of your life in some way forever and can make your life very difficult if not.

(Not saying you can't be a great single parent, and obviously tons of people are, but just to warn you the men have a right to be part of your child's life. Even with abusive partners women face barriers removing them completely wrt their children)

£62k I think you are financially secure! Got together with my partner at 35. Baby at 38. But I was happy with one. Many people, myself included live far from family and cannot rely on them for support. Start looking around your local community and see if there are good child networks. Is where you're living a good busy place where you can avoid feeling isolated?

I have no answer on any of this except to say that "get pregnant" by a random is not always very easy. Sometimes it's incredibly hard the natural way even when you've been actively trying to do it with extreme precision and a lot of (depressing) effort.

I know two women who have gone it alone and they've been very happy. Would any friends/ family support you with appointments etc?

1. settle for one of the men i have met and who really want to pursue things with me. ive had feelings for these men dont get me wrong! but i dont feel wildly excited to see them and i am still quite ok alone.

I think it depends what you mean by settling. Settling on someone who seems irresponsible or unrelaible would be a mistake. Settling on someone relaible but not wildly excitign is probably what most people do.

2. have a baby another way. i earn around 62k and to be honest one of the key things that worries me is money. can i do it alone? how can i face appointments alone? it all seems so sad

If you know you want a baby but you arent certain you want a man (or you don't want any of the men you've met so far) there is nothing wrong with this. 62K is enough. Many couples don't earn this much between them.

3. get pregnant and then my baby has a dad but i would do it in the knowledge that i would be completely responsible for the child and would have to assume the man may not be interested

This seems like the least good option to me. Messy. Also I think you might find you resent it more than you might imagine if the guy isn't interested in the kid.

If you have a child you will be poorer and more lonely and stressed. It will make it even harder to meet someone.
Do you have a pet? My pets are amazing emotional support for me.

The day after my 35th birthday I started researching fertility clinics having accepted I wasn’t going to find someone and it just wasn’t going to happen for me.

I met my fiancé a few months later, I’m now 40 and we’re getting married next week and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I’ve never been one for crazy sparks and butterflies and am always quite baffled when people talk about that sort of thing, guess it’s just not in my makeup! I dont expect to feel really strongly about someone in the early stages - why would I? I still don’t really know them! I just knew DP made me feel secure and like I could trust him, he wanted the same things as me (I told him on the second date if he didn’t want children there was little point continuing!), he was kind and he made me laugh. From there we’ve built something really real and true and I love the bones of him, but if I’d waited for fireworks I might have lost out on this.

Back when I was feeling like I did on my 35th birthday though I’d heard all those stories like mine above a hundred times and I thought ‘yeah but it won’t happen to me’ though so I know you’ll take it with a pinch of salt!

What I really mean is you don’t have to make any big decisions now, today. You’re in a good position, you do still have time even though I know you don’t feel like you do. You’re clearly very capable of attracting romantic interest and you’re strong and independent enough not to settle for what you don’t want. You are a high earner in a position to support a child. Maybe research a little what going it alone would entail, go to a clinic open day or two, try to speak to people who have been down that route if possible or online (I’m sure I found an organisation called something like the Donor Conception Network which had an active forum) - just so you’re that bit more informed and have the info in your back pocket. In the meantime continue to date if that’s enjoyable for you (though I completely understand the need to take a break too) and just keep an open mind where things might lead.

You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself! Give yourself some more time!!
I have been through a time where I felt like I was getting no where, night after night on tinder! It works for some! I decided to get out there and take up an activity and be more social, I found a local shoot (I'm a country girl!) took my dog along and eyed up the game keeper! We went on a date, I will admit it wasn't great!!!!!!! I was already thinking at the start I won't be seeing him again!! Here I am 3 years later with a mortgage and 8 months pregnant! I couldn't be without him, I genuinely love the bones of the man!
I would say give yourself a few years and date someone a few times if they are genuine and sweet even if you think it's a waste! Xx

I know two women who had kids knowing the dad wouldn’t be part of it. One woman had a fwb relationship to purposely fall pregnant and the other paid for a sperm donor. Both are struggling mentally and the one is struggling with her child. I’m not saying it’s not an option for you but it’s not just money worries. It’s emotionally draining being a parent...hats off to all single mums and dads who have no support. I know I would struggle to be the only parent.

If you really want a baby have a baby. It's easier alone than with the wrong man, believe me

*1. settle for one of the men i have met and who really want to pursue things with me. ive had feelings for these men dont get me wrong! but i dont feel wildly excited to see them and i am still quite ok alone"

Go for the one you get on best with (presuming you send equally attracted to all?)

Being wildly excited to see someone isn't as important as other things.

If you don't already, try to make you diet balanced and healthy (Inc zinc, selenium, iron etc). No harm in taking folic acid. Some people swear by Q10/ubiquinol. Regular exercise if you don't already. If you have the money (that's a pretty good salary) you could pay for a fertility check at a clinic to try to make sure there are no issues you need to be aware of (check is not perfect but better than nothing).
Read "if starts with the egg" )I think it's called). Start tracking your cycle if you don't already with observing cm, opk's, clearblue monitor, the Ava bracelet or the other thing I can't remember the name of.

The TTC boards on here are good too.

*It starts with the egg

I had twins via fertility treatment using a doner. I was on considerably less than you but have managed fine financially and practically.
At times doing it alone did feel lonely but also it was and is amazing the Dt are 10 now and so much fun to be around. they know where they come from as it's been drip fed to them over time.
Fertility treatment isn't always easy (it took many attempts) however worth every penny and every failure.
I don't regret it one bit.
I also had a child prior to the Dt via fertility treatment with my then h (he left when I was pregnant) ds unfortunately doesn't have a relationship with his father.
Of the two situations the Dt have found it easier to accept their situation compared to ds (who felt at times abandoned by his father).
Best of luck what ever route you take.

Settling for the wrong man to beat your biological clock never ends well. Bringing up a child can break the strongest of relationships because it is very hard a lot of the time. Yes, many marriages eventually become little more than good friends but the spark that got the couple together in the early years is usually what holds the relationship together when things are tough. Knowing that you don't feel the right way about someone before having a baby means that the relationship will almost certainly fail and you will still end up being a single parent.

£62K is a decent salary, more than many people earn as a couple. You can afford to go down the sperm donor route if you choose to go it alone and pay for childcare when you return to work. At least you will know exactly what you are getting into from the very beginning and your child will be 100% yours without squabbling with a father who you probably should not have got pregnant by.

Settling for the wrong man to beat your biological clock never ends well.

Seeing for the "right" man leads to divorce in almost half, more than half (?) of marriages in this country so ...

Lots and lots of people settle, it's (almost) taboo to admit to it.

Op had said she had had feelings for some of these men so she's not settling to a huge degree. Just not fanny gallops .. but fanny gallops often ends badly too.

If if doesn't work out, op will have her kids and hopefully a halfway decent, reasonable ex to coparent with. That's better than pushing 40 or over still looking for"the one", with massive pressure and almost certain fertility treatment (possibly not even with ops own eggs).

This way she can take a couple of years to get to know the guy, build a relationship, perhaps marry, and then TTC without excessive pressure.

Going it alone is also not what most want to do, and (even on a good salary) puts a tremendous amount of physical and mental strain on the single parent (unless they have super family support).

Of course people, usually wome have done it and massive kudos to them, but it's a v hard way. Why not have the benefit of sharing the load with a decent partner,veep in the early, exhausting yes where they get every bug, virus etc (not to mention teething) under the sun and seem to be participants in some kind of sleep deprivation experiment.

*esp
*Yrs

Bringing up a child can break the strongest of relationships because it is very hard a lot of the time. Yes, many marriages eventually become little more than good friends but the spark that got the couple together in the early years is usually what holds the relationship together when things are tough.

Just to say that people don't actually have children in the early yrs of a relationship. The spark has already faded. That is the case in mine, and what had held us together through the certainly challenging aspects of new parenthood is familiarity, solidarity, awareness that we are in it together, that we don't want our child growing up - if at all possible - in separate households etc etc. There are many more reasons you weather challenging stuff like the early yrs of having a child than spark.