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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do? Am I wrong?

32 replies

Skye55 · 14/12/2019 18:57

Hey guys, I’m really in need of some open minded advice. So here we go...

When I was 17 I met a guy who I fell in love with, at this time I had issues at home and would stay at his nearly every day. He told me he was 25, however I found out a couple of months later that he was in fact 35 (I saw his passport). I wanted to leave but he pleaded with me that he only lied because he thought I wouldn’t be interested in him (correct), and so I guess I just forgave him because I had strong feelings for him. However I’m now curious why he, as a grown man, would’ve been interested in someone so young.
Fast forward 5 years later, we have 3 children and I’m feeling resentful. I was never taught about contraception and didn’t really have a role model in my life to guide me as a teenager, I’ve tried to break up with him a few times because of the way we get along (our personalities are completely different) but I eventually give in because I can see how much he genuinely loves me.
As I get older I realize how young 17-18 actually is, and I feel that he chose me for his own benefit because I was naive and easy to manipulate. I can’t shake the feeling of what he’s done... but I know that at this present time he does actually love me. I don’t know what to do, please give me some advice I’d appreciate it. Thanks

Edit: I didn’t have a great relationship with my family and no one really discussed contraception with me. I was pretty much a runaway kid and so I was quite vulnerable. When I tried to break up with him after he lied, he claimed that other people were putting the idea of us breaking up in my head and wouldn’t leave me. So I just thought that was true and decided to stay. I hadn’t felt much love in my life and To be honest I feel a little resentment towards my family for not protecting or teaching me about relationships etc. I’d like to think I will bring my kids up with the knowledge they need about things like this. I put up a thread a couple of years ago, and everyone was basically saying it’s all my fault. I’d like anyone who is answering to be brutally honest with me but please take into consideration the age I was when we first met. Thanks

OP posts:

HisBetterHalf · 14/12/2019 19:02

How did you both meet?

Brookerebecca · 14/12/2019 19:04

The only thing I can suggest is actually talking to him about it. Bottling things up with result in further resentment and then sooner or later you will want to leave him anyway. If you actually want to make it work I think you probably need to get it out in the open and see what he has to say about it

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 19:04

He's a predator who's abused you. For years. Since you were a child. That's not genuine love and it's truly sad you think it is.

I'm really sorry anyone ever told you it was your fault he preyed on you. That's awful. It's not your fault.

In the gentlest way possible, while you still hold onto the idea his abuse is love you're not in a position to teach your children about healthy relationships or to protect them from predators.

The Freedom Programme might help you figure things out.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 14/12/2019 19:06

It sounds to me like you were groomed. You were barely legal. He was more than twice your age. Speak to Women's Aid because this whole relationship sounds abusive from the very start.

Finfintytint · 14/12/2019 19:07

He has groomed you and although you were above the age of consent you were clearly vulnerable. An immature and manipulative 35 year old will undoubtedly seek attraction and control a relationship with someone so much younger. You’ve woken up and now it’s time for action.

Bluebutterfly90 · 14/12/2019 19:07

A lot of guys who go for much younger girls are looking to try and make them into the kind of partner that they want.
With that in mind and the lying, I don't blame you for feeling manipulated.
Are you able to live the way you want, and make your own choices? Do you feel like he loves you for who you are or for what you do for him?
Only you can know the way forward.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 19:07

How anybody can read a post about a vulnerable 17 year old being preyed upon and respond like that baffles and disturbs me in equal measure. What.the.fuck.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 19:09

That was about Brookerebecca.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 19:10

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247

Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Original poster

Skye55 · 14/12/2019 19:12

He just saw me one day and asked for my number, he looked the age he said and he was nice so I just gave it to him

OP posts:

marvellousnightforamooncup · 14/12/2019 19:14

I'd agree with speaking to women's aid. I'd also think about seeing a counsellor if you can afford it.

Jog22 · 14/12/2019 19:16

You're 22 with 3 children. Well done for coping with everything. Seriously. That's a lot to be dealing with at such a young age.

Have you had a chance to think about what you would like to do in your life? Do you work? What would you like to be doing? You've not had a chance to find out who you are. But you can start doing that now.

SweetAsSpice · 14/12/2019 19:19

Are you 22 now?

So, in 13 years time from NOW...will you want to date someone who is 17?

At 22, would you want to date a 17 year old boy?

Louise91417 · 14/12/2019 19:19

I thought at the start of your post you were going to say you had met 20/30 years ago when this sort of situation would have come with the stigma attached to it nowadays. I find it strange that a mature man would engage in a relationship with a 17year old in this day and age. Most men would be concerned as to how it would appear and be interpreted by others and would stay clear. Also, you have 3 children and you are only 23. Anyone with more mature years would worry that you hadnt lived your life and being so young it would lead to you having resentment in later life. The fact that he lied about his age says that he was aware him being interested in someone so young was inappropriate, even a 25ur old being interested in a 17yr old would raise an eyebrow. This doesnt sit comfortably with me, at the very least it raises questions. At 17 you are a girl, what happens when a 17 year old matures to a woman, will men like your partner still be interested or is it the innocence and naivity thats attractive to them? You have every right to feel how you do and have the questions you need answered. I feel this man has manipulated you at the very least and im sorry you had no one to guide through your teenage years.

Bluebutterfly90 · 14/12/2019 19:22

Yeah re reading I didn't notice OPs age and thought they had been together much longer, not that that makes it better.
I will also suggest speaking to women's aid. I doubt this is a guy who used to manipulate you but doesn't any more.

Jog22 · 14/12/2019 19:44

If you told him that you want to return to education and get some qualifications, would he support you?

Original poster

Skye55 · 14/12/2019 19:56

Hi jog55, yes I went to college just last year and finished. I want to do a lot of things but he keeps telling me to wait because he needs to work and make enough so we move out.. he wants us all to go to his home country and live there too..

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 14/12/2019 19:59

Where is his home country, OP?

RandomMess · 14/12/2019 20:05

If you aren't happy do not move!!

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 20:05

Oh good God do not move to another country with him. You will never escape him if you do. At least not with your children.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 20:10

I want to do a lot of things but he keeps telling me to wait because he needs to work and make enough so we move out..

Coercive control.

he wants us all to go to his home country and live there too..

Coercive control.

Abuse is just about power and control. It can be subtle and easily overlooked if you don't look at the big picture and fixate on one thing in isolation. It rarely involves men chaining women in basements, but frequently involves men putting endless obstacles in the woman's way to thwart her independence from him.

rvby · 14/12/2019 20:12

Wait wait hold the phone. Where is his home country?

Do you understand that if you leave the country with him and the children, you will be utterly trapped with him, unless you are prepared to kidnap your own kids and flee that country if necessary.

DO NOT leave the country with him under ANY circumstances.

No normal 35 year old man takes up with a 17 year old girl. He can "love" you as much as he wants but remember that love doesn't make someone a positive influence in another's life. He can love you and also control, manipulate and isolate you. Love isnt that special, it's not magic and it's not a reason to continue a relationship.

DianaT1969 · 14/12/2019 20:12

I understand you not knowing much about contraception when you were 17, but with your first child, didn't you have a health visitor or midwife you could have discussed it with? It sounds as if you have stayed in a bubble without access to the internet, films, TV and other exposure to the world. If nothing else, please start interacting with people outside of your relationship now. Make friends, discuss problems with your GP, health visitors etc. You don't need to answer this, but are you using contraception now? If not, get over to the Women's Health board on MN for initial advice and have a chat with your GP, or local Women's Health Clinic.

Fedupofitnow123 · 14/12/2019 20:22

How old are you?

I was the same, though I was 19 he was 36, told me 30, and even that I thought was old.

I've recently left, 28 now, after realising the relationship was so abusive in many ways, you can look up my threads.

I would say you were manipulated, why would such an older man want to be with a child? I bet it's because an older woman wouldnt take the shit that he dishes out. No doubt you do the most of the hild care? The house work? The mental slog? I hope he isnt as moody as my ex, who had me believing I should feel sorry for him because he had to work!

Viviene · 14/12/2019 21:11

Do not move to his country - where is his country anyway?

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