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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He grabbed me, my fault?

39 replies

user1475052884 · 14/12/2019 11:57

Hi everyone just looking for advice because I feel like I can’t speak to anyone.

So I’ve been with my partner for 10 years ( not married) and we have 4 kids ( ages between 1-8). I suffer from depression and anxiety and I’m on meds for this and think I’m doin so much better but..... my partner I said so lazy and selfish, I work full time whilst my partner stays at home he does the bare min around the house , has only bathed the younger kids twice this year!! Basically I get up extremely early for work I start at 6am and finish at 2 when I come home I basically take over on a weekend so he goes out with his friends fishing or he will lie in his bed until late morning whilst I do it. Last weekend I was so exhausted I’ve had a lie in once this year, kids were being monsters when my partner finally got up out of bed I told him I wasn’t happy I would appreciate some help! He gets angry and defensive calling me a cnt , bitch , phsyco you name it he’s called me it so we start arguing and during the argument he went as low as you can possibly go ( i was raped as a teen never told anyone apart from him this year) he threw that in my face during the argument “ no wonder you were raped your so fckin stupid. He went upstairs and we left it at that until he came down at dinner time I didn’t make him anything, he went to grab a plate I told him no that’s mine and the kids so he put my dinner in the sink. What happened next was horrible and my fault for fueling the fire I grabbed his fishing stuff ( worth £300) and threatened to put it under the tap if he didn’t leave the house. He flew for me grabbing my neck and back of my head and cornered me in the kitchen. I started swinging my arms just trying to get out of the corner I screamed at him to leave but he refused so I had no option but to call police but he left when I was on the phone to them. He came back later that night after having a drink saying all his sorrys etc but he’s telling husband friends it’s was me , I made a mountain out a mole hill.

He always tries to make me feel crazy “ your bipolar “ “ there’s something wrong with you” “ you need to see a dr” to the point he convinces me I am crazy. I know I’m hard to live with sometimes and I do nag quite abit but all I want is a bit of help

Sorry it’s long but I have nobody to talk to, I know some of you will say leave I’ve tried so many times and also told him to leave but he just sucks me back in

OP posts:

Chocmallows · 14/12/2019 12:02

Someone who abuses you and says it's your fault does not love or respect you, and he is in the wrong. He isn't going to change, but you can. You need him out of the house or you need to leave, being together is not safe for you and DC.

Dullardmullard · 14/12/2019 12:05

womans aid

freedom programme

there is an order that can keep him out of the home too

what did the police say did they couldn't of arrested him as he came back.

we don't nag by the way thats words men come up with when we want them to pull their weight at home like a normal person.

Krazynights34 · 14/12/2019 12:06

He is a frightening, abusive, violent man.
You aren’t safe with him.
Your kids aren’t safe either.
Please consider calling the police and Women’sAid.
You can leave him, you just don’t feel it yet.
I’m sorry to hear that he’s been so cruel to you. It’s not your fault.

75Renarde · 14/12/2019 12:07

No lovely, not your fault. This is provocation.

How fucking DARE he throw your rape back in your face! You poor poor love.

You need to get out. Immediately. Like now. If not to your patents then into a refuge.

DO NOT TELL HIM. Just go.

Dragongirl10 · 14/12/2019 12:07

Leave and don’t hesitate there is no other option. I am sorry

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2019 12:10

Why are you together at all? Is he all you think you deserve ?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What are you both teaching your kids about relationships here? A whole host of damaging lessons. Is this how you both want them to remember their childhoods?

Get him out of your life for good because he is also likely to be the root cause of your depression and anxiety. Do not let him again suck you back in because you know he’s full of bullshit.

Please contact women’s aid and seek their help. Do not be afraid to call the police again either if and when you feel unsafe and press charges too

HarrietTheFly · 14/12/2019 12:11

I'm so sorry op. He is a cowardly, horrible bully. You do have to leave him. You have to do it for yourself and for your children. You say you get sucked back in... Please look at the freedom programme and contact women's aid as a pp suggested. You need support.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2019 12:12

None of this from him is your fault. You are not responding for his actions

Frizzbeol · 14/12/2019 12:15

He doesn't love you op, he is using you. You are being used and he has nothing but contempt for you for allowing it to happen - that's not blaming you btw - that's how he thinks. He's a taker and a user and he will carry on as long as you let him. Please get away from him. He's a nasty piece of work incapable of loving anyone, just pretending to in order to meet his own needs. Wake up and get him out. Don't waste anymore of your time with this hollow, soulless piece of shit.

75Renarde · 14/12/2019 12:17

Echoing @AttilaTheMeerkat

Depression/anxiety WILL be down to him. You've also very probably got PTSD.

Get out.

Original poster

user1475052884 · 14/12/2019 12:20

I didn’t have great role models as in regards of relationships when I was a child my mum and dad would fight constantly and then my mum left when I was 5 and my dad brought me up , hats off to that man !

I hate myself for doing this to my kids esp after all that happened last weekend my daughter (7) said to me “ mum I don’t want my boyfriend to do that to me when I’m older “ my heart broke into a million pieces and I said I won’t ever let someone do that to you 😔

The police came out and they said to me be careful what I say to them cause they will arrest him and he won’t be able to go near you or the house and with Xmas round the corner so I just left it

Deep down I know most of my depression and anxiety is because of him, when he is not in the house I feel completely different like I can clown around with my kids have a laugh etc but when he comes home it’s like a different atmosphere I can’t explain it x

OP posts:

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/12/2019 12:20

er no. Not your fault. He's abusing you.

Lovemusic33 · 14/12/2019 12:20

Please leave him, the depression is down to him. Your mental health will improve when he’s out of your life. Talk to womans aid x

TheHootiestChristmasOwl · 14/12/2019 12:23

You need to leave. You need to be a positive example for your children as they will grow up thinking this behaviour is ok and normal in a relationship.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 14/12/2019 12:30

The police came out and they said to me be careful what I say to them cause they will arrest him and he won’t be able to go near you or the house and with Xmas round the corner so I just left it

What??? Being very charitable, perhaps the police said this in case you had changed your mind (I suppose some people call the police maliciously). But seriously, that’s absolutely what you need to happen to protect you and your DC.

I’m sure it’s very difficult to see the wood for the trees in your situation, but you do need to find the courage and support to break away from this horrible man. 💐

81Byerley · 14/12/2019 12:31

@user1475052884 You have just said it, when he's not there you can clown about and be happy with your kids. What sort of Christmas do you want for them? One where you can be happy with nothing, or one with him being abusive and ruining it? Please, if you don't have anyone who will take you and the children, call Women's Aid. You and your kids deserve better than the life you're living now.

Bluebutterfly90 · 14/12/2019 12:33

Get him out!
Xmas is not more important than your safety or your kids safety! So what if he gets arrested, that's what he deserves.
A man who puts his hands on you like that is not safe to be in your life any more. He made his choice by being violent.
Please try and keep yourself safe.

MashedSpud · 14/12/2019 12:34

Get rid, he’s an abuser and he’s lazy.

JorisBonson · 14/12/2019 12:38

HE is at fault. HE is the abuser. You need to leave for your and your childrens sake.

Shoxfordian · 14/12/2019 12:40

He's abusive to you, let's hope the police do arrest him and he's not allowed anywhere near you again

Can you call women's aid for some advice?

Original poster

user1475052884 · 14/12/2019 12:54

That’s the problem though ladies, I know deep down I NEED to leave and I’ve been so close so many times, but I’ll be honest I have no back bone, no confidence , self esteem he knows all the right things to say to pull me back in no matter how many times I tell myself in my head that I can do this I can be strong I just keep falling back down.

I’ve tried talking to 2 of my friends all about this but they excuse it as maybe he’s depressed? No motivation etc and my partner has admitted sometimes he feels like he has no motivation or he feels depressed and then I feel sorry for him we talk and I suggest maybe he sees a dr he point blank refuses he thinks it’s a waste of time, the world is full of snowflakes and people just need to get on with it, he’s always admitted he’s got anger problems to the point if he gets into a rage he sort of blacks out like it goes hazy ? That’s not normal is it? But still refuses to get help over that too

Because this happened last weekend and I’ve accepted his apology he would call me all the crazy’s if I bring it all back up now, even though I’ve accepted his apology I can’t get over it just feel trapped

OP posts:

75Renarde · 14/12/2019 12:58

Go here OP and just read.

Narcsite.com

It will open your eyes.

75Renarde · 14/12/2019 12:59

Hes not depressed in the way you or I understand it. He has NPD. The lows you see are down to lack of fuel, Narc supply.

Heismyopendoor · 14/12/2019 13:00

You aren’t trapped. Do you rent or own? What name/s is the house in?

Please phone women’s aid. You and your kids deserve so much more.

AnFiadhRuaRua · 14/12/2019 13:00

You poor thing, having to put up with all of that abuse, and look after four young kids and work.

You are strong.

Please contact women's aid and let them help you to get rid of him.

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