He grabbed me, my fault?

[user1475052884]

Hi everyone just looking for advice because I feel like I can’t speak to anyone.

So I’ve been with my partner for 10 years ( not married) and we have 4 kids ( ages between 1-8). I suffer from depression and anxiety and I’m on meds for this and think I’m doin so much better but..... my partner I said so lazy and selfish, I work full time whilst my partner stays at home he does the bare min around the house , has only bathed the younger kids twice this year!! Basically I get up extremely early for work I start at 6am and finish at 2 when I come home I basically take over on a weekend so he goes out with his friends fishing or he will lie in his bed until late morning whilst I do it. Last weekend I was so exhausted I’ve had a lie in once this year, kids were being monsters when my partner finally got up out of bed I told him I wasn’t happy I would appreciate some help! He gets angry and defensive calling me a cnt , bitch , phsyco you name it he’s called me it so we start arguing and during the argument he went as low as you can possibly go ( i was raped as a teen never told anyone apart from him this year) he threw that in my face during the argument “ no wonder you were raped your so fckin stupid. He went upstairs and we left it at that until he came down at dinner time I didn’t make him anything, he went to grab a plate I told him no that’s mine and the kids so he put my dinner in the sink. What happened next was horrible and my fault for fueling the fire I grabbed his fishing stuff ( worth £300) and threatened to put it under the tap if he didn’t leave the house. He flew for me grabbing my neck and back of my head and cornered me in the kitchen. I started swinging my arms just trying to get out of the corner I screamed at him to leave but he refused so I had no option but to call police but he left when I was on the phone to them. He came back later that night after having a drink saying all his sorrys etc but he’s telling husband friends it’s was me , I made a mountain out a mole hill.

He always tries to make me feel crazy “ your bipolar “ “ there’s something wrong with you” “ you need to see a dr” to the point he convinces me I am crazy. I know I’m hard to live with sometimes and I do nag quite abit but all I want is a bit of help

Sorry it’s long but I have nobody to talk to, I know some of you will say leave I’ve tried so many times and also told him to leave but he just sucks me back in

He put his hands around your neck.

I'm sorry the police failed you like that.

Your children don't want to spend Christmas being abused. All of you deserve to be protected from him.

Provocation and gaslighting. And he is smearing you to people outside your relationship.

I've had mental health problems my whole life but before I was with a very abusive, gaslighting ex, they were trivial in comparison.

He played on my mh and told me I was imagining things all the time. Told me it was me, not him. And told others lies about me even when things appeared good. So when I did get away, I had very little support.

Your friends sound like people who haven't had to deal with anything particularly difficult in regards to mh or abusive people. Which is good for them, but it makes it so much harder for them to see what's really going on.

I hope things gets better and you get him away from you all.

You need to leave, next time you might not be as lucky

He should leave and you and the DC stay in the home. Why are you talking about leaving? Is it rented? Whose name is on the tenancy.
Get him out with the advice is Women's Aid.
You have to mean it and follow through OP.
Stop looking for reasons WHY he is like this and why he does this to you.
That is irrelevant. He does and it is damaging to your DC. Don't you think if your relationship could be magically fixed, it would have been by now.
Also F**k Christmas. It's one day. Give your DC the best Christmas present ever and get this year out of your life today.
You don't need any reason to finish it. He can't gaslight you if you don't give reasons. Just say it is working for you. Nothing else. Grey rock. You could say 'don't let the door hit you on the arse on your way out'.

The police will now refer this to social services as a domestic incident happened with children in the house. This is not a bad thing they will provide you with much support to get him out of the house

He is lazy
If you ask for him to do his share you're a 'nag'
He insults you
Hes aggressive
He manipulates you
He gaslights you
He contributes nothing to your life - not practically, not emotionally
He took something that must have taken a lots of guts to tell him, and used it against you.

Please please get rid of him. It's not in your head, it's not your fault, and you can do it

Your partner is a narcissist.
He isn't depressed, he isn't crazy he is just BAD.

Telling you you are the one with the problem (crazy, bipolar ect) is part of 'gaslighting'. Common behaviour from narcissists.

Get yourself and your kids away from this vile man. Or your children will attract the same horrors into their own life as they age. Or worse, become what he is.

He's dangerous and adds nothing to your life. You need him gone.

Useless sack of shit + abusive.

LTB.

I’ve tried talking to 2 of my friends all about this but they excuse it as maybe he’s depressed BULLSHIT, why do so many women excuse these abusive arseholes as being depressed.

Funny how you are depressed and taking medication, working full time and doing 99% of the housework and looking after the children. And he either sitting in his arse doing sod all or out with friends funny how his depression isn't a problem then isn't it. It's only an issue when he has to be an adult and support his family.

Leave him, or get him out of your home. And get some better friends.

You called the police, but no action has been taken, so he thinks he can get away with this abuse, including him putting his hands round your neck (an indicator he could kill you). Abuse often ramps up over Christmas, especially with overtired, overexcited DC around, and drink thrown in the mix.

He should leave. Hands round throat is regarded as an indicator for potential murder in the future. Apply for a non-molestation order to get him out. Ring National Centre for Domestic Violence and they will explain the process and may refer you to a law firm to help you prepare the papers for free. This man is poisoning your existence and your children’s. Read “Women Who Love Too Much” to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships and how to raise your standards on what you will accept for yourself.

Not your fault OP. We sometimes blame ourselves for "fueling the fire" but really it's a desperate action from someone whose already been abused and pushed too far. Please get out of this relationship. It may seem like it gets worse before it gets better, but it's worth it.