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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I stay or leave the man who broke me

27 replies

Mumtoaprincess25 · 14/12/2019 06:23

Really need advice and not judgement...really feeling down & I don't know what to do.

When me and my Husband got together, he was the man of my dreams/the devil himself. We got together pretty quick, he cheated on me, messaged the girl he cheated with behind my back, hit me several times, emotionally abused me, turnt people against me, hurt me when I was pregnant.... but inbetween doing all of the above he would be the man of my dreams....effort, compliments, acting like he was madly in love with me etc, he was so loving yet a monster.

I know I should of left him, but I had no where to turn too, I have no family, no decent friends, everything in his name....if I had walked I had no where to go, so I stayed and took the good with the bad. To this day I kick myself for staying.

After I had our Daughter.....he's changed completely....no more abuse, violence, emotional abuse, mental abuse, hitting etc....it's like he done a complete 180 change. He is the most loving Dad and partner to us both, he is besotted with our Daughter and me, he goes out of his way for us both....literally I would go as far as worships the ground we walk on.

But he acts like the past didn't happen....over the years, it mentally affected me, leaving me with anxiety, panic attacks etc. When I have tried to speak to him.....he always says "I don't know why I done what I done, but I know in my heart I am sorry"

As much as I want to believe him.....I can't just forgive him like nothing ever happened and although it was 5 years ago, it has never left me. It left me with mental scars and affected my mental health...I would go as far as saying it broke me as a woman.

Apart of me loves him, apart of me doesn't....I love him as the father of my child but hate him as the man who hurt me. Apart of me feels like he has caused all this damage to me, but all of a sudden he wants a nice family life and I have to just take his apology and smile and act like nothing ever happened.

As much as I love my daughter and I don't want her to come from a broken home, my heart and head tells me to leave, I know deep down to my core that I will never see him in the same light ever again and I carry around mental scars from him. I can't even talk about this subject without bursting out into tears.

What do I do?
Thankyou for reading

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 14/12/2019 06:34

But she does come from a broken home. Mend it by leaving your abuser. He hasn’t faced his behaviour and you can be sure it hasn’t gone away - just hibernated for a while.

Pinkbonbon · 14/12/2019 06:37

Better your daughter come from a broken home than a home where she witnesses her mum being treated like and tolerating, shit.

People don't emotionally and physically abuse people and then suddenly become mister nice guy. ABUSE COMES IN CYCLES.

Right now he is being mister nice guy. But how long till he gets bored of that and starts to treat you like shit again?

Not only did he mentally abuse you, he physically abused you and he alienated you from family and hurt you when you were pregnant.

Google 'love bombing' and the 'cycle of abuse'.
If abusers were horrible all the time, no one would stay with them.
Start looking up how to get yourself out and how to get by on your own two feet. Go now, before the monster shows his true colours again.

You are not safe. Your baby is not safe. He hasn't changed.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2019 06:38

You must leave him. I also don't believe he stopped being abusive. He may have stopped cheating and hitting you but I would put money on him being controlling, belittling, sexually demanding, lazy in the house or some other way of dominating you. Am I right?

kristallen · 14/12/2019 06:45

Your daughter would not want you to stay with him for the sake of not having a broken home.

And "broken home" is actually an awful phrase.

Your daughter needs a whole mum. You know he's broken you. You also know deep inside that you can't trust 100% that he'll never do it again.

Put your daughter first by giving her the chance to have a happy mum.

Blueuggboots · 14/12/2019 06:47

Only read the first 2 paragraphs.

LEAVE AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!

Original poster

Mumtoaprincess25 · 14/12/2019 06:49

I have problems with my sex drive, doesn't demand sex.....but yes is lazy in the house. That's my problem, if I do leave, where do I go? He's already told me if we was to split he will have my daughter living with him and I can have her weekends.....he's told me no chance will I take her away. It's like I'm f*ked no matter what I do :(

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 14/12/2019 06:53

They all say they're going to get custody and they seldom do. Guy can't pick up their own socks let alone take care of a child by themselves.

These are script with abusers.

Hepsibar · 14/12/2019 07:15

I so agree about the cycles and my experience was a 7 year cycle although in between house left messy, v rarely helped.

Your last message seems to show the mask dropped. I agree with RantyAnty, they all threaten ... it's a control thing.

Please look at Women's Aid website or a website like "When Georgia Smiles" for advice.

user1493413286 · 14/12/2019 07:20

I don’t think you’ll recover mentally and emotionally while you’re still with him particularly as you’ll always wonder if he’ll turn again.
I do think there’s a good chance he’ll turn nasty if you leave and he’s already shown that about who cares for your DD. I’d have your plans in place including a trip to a solicitor before you leave then when you tell him make it immediate and safe

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2019 07:25

Who is her main carer now?
Just because he says he'll have her full time doesn't mean he will.

TheDevilsPedicure · 14/12/2019 07:25

Please, please contact Women's Aid, they will be able to help and support you through this. He is an abuser, you can't stay with him and you need some help to get away.

Original poster

Mumtoaprincess25 · 14/12/2019 07:29

Thanks for all your advice. I know deep down in my heart what I need to do, I guess apart of me doesn't want to face it....He's made very sure to tell me if I do ever leave that my Daughter will live with him, he isnt stupid he knows fine well I would never agree to it. I just don't know how to start, same still stands I have no family (he didn't take me away from them, my parents have passed and me and my brother lives in another city) I really don't have anyone to help me. Tbh I never seen it like that....I worry she will be from a broken home, but she already is because her Mother is broken :(

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 14/12/2019 07:40

I think this is a case of getting your ducks in a row so that when you are ready to move, you are in a strong position and his desire isn’t important.

Just because he has decided what he wants, doesn’t mean he I’ll get it.

Start slow. Women’s Aid. Citizens Advice and start to gather information. Then you can start pulling together everything you need.

When you are ready and out, your daughter will have an unbroken mother.

TwoOneBravo · 14/12/2019 07:47

They all say they’re going for full residency. It’s in the abusers script and it’s yet another attempt to get you to stay in a relationship that is clearly unsafe for you. These men very rarely even apply to the courts for this, let alone are granted it. My ex threatened to fight me ‘in every court in the land’ for full residency of our DCs. Never happened. He sees them EOW.

Leave with your daughter. For both your sakes. If you stay she will be growing up in a household where there is domestic abuse. She deserves better than that. So do you.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/12/2019 07:47

He's made very sure to tell me if I do ever leave that my Daughter will live with him

It's not up to him! Assuming you're in the UK, if she is no longer breastfed then the presumption would be to start with a 50/50 split.

If you are currently the primary caregiver, and he works FT (and you don't or PT), then it would usually fall towards you having her most of the time and him having access, for example at weekends plus a weekly overnight.

If DD is still breastfeeding then he'd be unlikely to get any overnights, is my understanding.

Again, this isn't up to him! It's something court would decide if he bothered to take it that far.

It sounds like you are very much still under his thumb and accepting his word as the gospel truth.

Do you have any ties to the area you live in? Would moving closer to your brother be appealing?

Original poster

Mumtoaprincess25 · 14/12/2019 07:52

She is 4 x

OP posts:

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:04

Please read this;

Especially the "abuser profikes"part.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Unfortunately I agree with posters who say he's in hibernation/a phase - and threatening to go for full custody of your child shows he's still the same.

If you're the main carer, he wouldn't get it anyway.

For the future - write down every single incident of his behaviour, particularly the physical abuse, with as much detail (dates if you can remember them/place it)so you have s record to show women aid or a solicitor in future.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:04

*abuser profiles

Techway · 14/12/2019 08:07

How old is your daughter? For her sake leaving when she is younger seems to be an easier transition. It is worse for a child to have to grow up in a toxic home and then parents separate so they get the worst of both worlds.

I have seen your other post about his ex wife and your H is a very toxic man who can switch on/off charm according to how much control he has.It wouldn't surprise me if you are being triangulated with his Ex wife.

Please contact womens aid. You need support to help see the situation as an abuser takes control through tactics such as having affairs or being threatening.

It is very effective as victims become shadows of their former self and feel unable to leave. This is where you are now.

First step is to awakening to the reality. Next is to seek support. He can threaten to fight you for her care however he would be unlikely to achieve more than 50% (unless there are other factors).

Even if she had to live with you only 50% of the time she would have the chance to experience normal life some of the time..as opposed to the "walking on eggshells" environment that you live in now.

Every abused woman feels they cannot leave because he has conditioned you to feel weak and under his control. He will use your fear of losing your child against you but the reality is that is unlikely to happen.
The same with finances, you will find a way to survive and thrive.

Many of us have been there and it is a journey but definitely worth it.

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:08

Finding out about the financial side might he'll you get prepared too - have you done the benefits calculator online?

Child maintenance wise I think it's 10-12% of his gross salary. But you seem (or I did anyway) to get comparatively a lot in benefits compared to child maintenance.

Do you have any family/friend support?

Techway · 14/12/2019 08:10

How are finances split? Do you work? Is he much older than you?

selmabear · 14/12/2019 08:13

You need to leave OP. Eventually something will trigger him and he will turn again and he wont care if your daughter is present, he wont care that he will emotionally scar your daughter. I strongly suggest you get in contact with a womans aid charity, they will have so many valuable resources and that vital bit of support to help you leave. Good luck OP

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/12/2019 08:28

I feel so sad for you OP. My ex used to tell me I was a shit mum and that he was going to take my son to live with his family as I was so crap. I was so broken I believed he could do that!!! Years later I have my son and he has court ordered contact for 10 hours per month.

Nobody uses the term 'broken home' anymore. It's perfectly normal now for there to be unmarried single parent families and separated and divorced and blended families.

ohwheniknow · 14/12/2019 08:32

An abusive home is a broken home. Abuse is about power and control, and this is abuse:

He's already told me if we was to split he will have my daughter living with him and I can have her weekends

Sandals19 · 14/12/2019 08:39

Btw if you read "why does he do that?" The types of abusive men/abuser profiles is from page 219.

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