Do I stay or leave the man who broke me

[Mumtoaprincess25]

Really need advice and not judgement...really feeling down & I don't know what to do.

When me and my Husband got together, he was the man of my dreams/the devil himself. We got together pretty quick, he cheated on me, messaged the girl he cheated with behind my back, hit me several times, emotionally abused me, turnt people against me, hurt me when I was pregnant.... but inbetween doing all of the above he would be the man of my dreams....effort, compliments, acting like he was madly in love with me etc, he was so loving yet a monster.

I know I should of left him, but I had no where to turn too, I have no family, no decent friends, everything in his name....if I had walked I had no where to go, so I stayed and took the good with the bad. To this day I kick myself for staying.

After I had our Daughter.....he's changed completely....no more abuse, violence, emotional abuse, mental abuse, hitting etc....it's like he done a complete 180 change. He is the most loving Dad and partner to us both, he is besotted with our Daughter and me, he goes out of his way for us both....literally I would go as far as worships the ground we walk on.

But he acts like the past didn't happen....over the years, it mentally affected me, leaving me with anxiety, panic attacks etc. When I have tried to speak to him.....he always says "I don't know why I done what I done, but I know in my heart I am sorry"

As much as I want to believe him.....I can't just forgive him like nothing ever happened and although it was 5 years ago, it has never left me. It left me with mental scars and affected my mental health...I would go as far as saying it broke me as a woman.

Apart of me loves him, apart of me doesn't....I love him as the father of my child but hate him as the man who hurt me. Apart of me feels like he has caused all this damage to me, but all of a sudden he wants a nice family life and I have to just take his apology and smile and act like nothing ever happened.

As much as I love my daughter and I don't want her to come from a broken home, my heart and head tells me to leave, I know deep down to my core that I will never see him in the same light ever again and I carry around mental scars from him. I can't even talk about this subject without bursting out into tears.

What do I do?
Thankyou for reading

You need to leave your abuser. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He has not changed at all; it was really a sad day for you when you and he crossed paths.

He's already again trying to abuse you by exerting power and control over your child by he insisting you have her on the weekend. Its an empty threat ultimately because such a man only cares for his own self but as threats go it is highly effective and that is why such men use them. He will continue to use your DD as well as "punishment" against you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him. He will remain abusive and otherwise obstructive post separation and divorce as well but this is no reason to stay with him either.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think about this.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You were targeted by this man and deliberately as well. He met you likely at a very low point in your life and went on then to exploit you fully, he really is a low life.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. He is not a good father to his child because he has and continues to abuse you as her mother.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. You would not want this sort of a relationship for her as an adult either so do not stay for the sake of the child. Its really not a good enough relationship for you either.

Use the resources that other respondents have given you like Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) and the Lundy Bancroft abuser profiles. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as well, abuse like this can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

It's quite common for abuse to start/restart when a woman is pregnant and at her most vulnerable.