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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this me? I think it might be

48 replies

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 22:04

I'm having a bit of a weird reaction to a change in family circumstances and I think I need some help to unpick why please. I have an adult DSD, been with her dad since she was 3 and always had a good, close relationship with her. She's recently had her first baby and is asking fairly regularly for us to babysit. All fine, except it's not. I can't explain why but I feel really negative about being asked, like it's a massive imposition even though rationally it really isn't. I actually feel angry when she asks and it's causing rows with DH because he can see I'm not keen.

In my defence (kind of) we are busy, DH works really long hours and weekends are precious. We are also working through some relationship issues and had been (prior to DGD's arrival) trying to prioritise time together. DH also has form for changing our plans with no discussion with or consideration for me and also for taking on too much because he doesn't like saying no (to everybody other than me at least).

So, his instinctive response when asked is 'yes', which I completely understand, she's his DGD and of course he wants to see her. But my gut reaction is the opposite, all I see is whatever plans we'd made going out the window, along with any progress with the problems between us and it just makes me so angry, and then ashamed because she's my (step)DGD too and I shouldn't be reacting like this to seeing her.

It's making me miserable, I feel like the bad guy (and I probably am) and I hate that. I think DH is a bit baffled, it's really not like me to react like this and he is (understandably) seeing it as a bit of a rejection of DGD. I don't know how to get past this, we argue pretty much every time DSD asks and seem to be coming from such opposite perspectives I honestly can't see where the middle ground is.

I need to work out why it's provoking such rage in me, I am perimenopausal so maybe that's part of it but it's just such a strong reaction and I can't seem to control it. I'm sure a big part of it is that I feel our issues are getting sidelined (again) but there's little I can do to change that so I need to find a way to change my reaction. Help

OP posts:

WifOfBif · 13/12/2019 22:05

How regularly is “fairly regularly”?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 13/12/2019 22:10

Tell him what you’ve written in your OP. It’s clear to me that DH is causing this resentment/anger. He’s not communicating with you to check if babysitting is encroaching on your couple plans. And he needs reminded about your (joint) plan to work on your relationship. He needs to remember the plan.

richteasandcheese · 13/12/2019 22:11

How regular is regular? Weekly? Monthly?

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 13/12/2019 22:12

I'm sure a big part of it is that I feel our issues are getting sidelined (again)

That’s what leaps out to me and I think is fairly obviously the problem.

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 22:13

Most weekends at some point, we've had to say no overnights (she was asking) because DH really needs to catch up on sleep at weekends, so a few hours either Friday or Saturday night pretty much every weekend. We also cook Sunday dinner for DSD and her partner every week so it does feel like we don't have much weekend left tbh.

OP posts:

chloxox08 · 13/12/2019 22:14

I think it depends what regularly means tbf! But I can see where you're coming from

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2019 22:14

yes how often

I think this highlights your differences in time prioritisation - he would rather spend time with you and DGD you just him

But really without knowing how often its hard to completely judge

richteasandcheese · 13/12/2019 22:16

Oh no, that's too much - even without the other issues, that's a big imposition

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 13/12/2019 22:16

That’s quite a lot! I’d be resentful of that I think even without the relationship issues.

JKScot4 · 13/12/2019 22:17

What age is the baby? Do you work?
A few hours a week is hardly a lot, have you thought maybe your DSD is needing some support, you sound quite thoughtless & selfish.

Cream5 · 13/12/2019 22:17

YANBU op... that is OTT. She seems to palm the child off an awful lot...

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/12/2019 22:19

I also think that's too much. You need some time as a couple, especially if weekdays are so hectic. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Sounds more like your DSD is taking the piss if you're effectively giving up 2 of your 3 weekend nights for her and DGD every week.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2019 22:19

You need to deal with your marital problems seperately.

If you have solid plans to do something then he should say no. If you don't then it's fine for him to say yes.

Do you resent the child? Your post seems to indicate you see her as his grand daughter and not yours. Is there something about being a grandmother that bothers you?

Ninjakittysmellz · 13/12/2019 22:20

I think it’s the spread over several days that is leaving you with no clear time together. Could you suggest you had DGD on Sunday morning and then they came back for a late lunch all together? That way you have fri and day day together, and Sunday evening?

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 22:21

You see I think so too richteasandcheese, we are far from their only source of support either so there is an element there of me feeling it's too much for DH and wanting to protect him too.

I am feeling sidelined though, our problems centre around sex and intimacy so DH prioritising time with DGD makes progress impossible and feels like an additional kick in my already pretty smashed up self esteem.

OP posts:

LyingWitchlnTheWardrobe · 13/12/2019 22:21

I see where you're coming from OP, it sounds like too much to me too. Every weekend at some point? That's ridiculous. She has a partner and it's their baby, why does she need so much help with caring for them?

Sunday lunch every week is also generous. When are you and your husband supposed to find time to spend together?

Your SD sounds a bit selfish and quite self-absorbed too; blinkered to the needs of her father and step-mother as she and her partner are the only ones who seemingly need a break?

You and your husband will need to present a united front. If he wants to go and see his granddaughter - or you do - why does it always need to be at your house with either/both of you doing the care? Meet them at their house or somewhere else.

Perhaps your husband needs to have his precious nights of sleep disrupted for a bit to see how much of a drain this actually is and how much he is pandering - and forcing you to do that too?

For you

TheReef · 13/12/2019 22:22

I'd not be happy with this arrangement either. As other pp have said, if you have plans he can't just cancel them for her and he also has to understand that his time with you is as important as his time with his GD.

thistimelastweek · 13/12/2019 22:25

I think you've said it yourself. You have issues in your relationship and you think they are being sidelined. That needs sorting.
Meanwhile, it's very important that your partner has a healthy relationship with both his child and his grandchild.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2019 22:26

Is it you feel rejected op? He spends all week working long hours then when he could be prioritising you he prefers to spend it with his family? So you resent the imposition because you want him to focus on just you?

Oldbutstillgotit · 13/12/2019 22:26

Does your DSD have a partner or is she struggling ? Actually I was in a very similar situation when my DSD had her first DC 20 years ago. She and her DH still wanted to have their very active social life so were asking us to take the baby overnight from a few weeks old . I didn’t mind occasionally but it was most weekends so I put my foot down.

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 22:27

I genuinely don't resent DGD, or DSD for that matter, I love them both and there's never been an issue with resentment in the almost 20 years I've been her SM. I think it's more about what you said about him sticking to plans Bluntness100, he doesn't think twice about just over-riding what we had planned and then can't see why I'm angry.

OP posts:

Abouttimemum · 13/12/2019 22:37

She’s palming off the baby every weekend? And you’re making dinner for them on a Sunday?
My parents are retired and I wouldn’t ask this of them. They worked long hours every day of their lives and this is their time. The automatic expectation of grandparent support really grates on me to be honest.
Your husband needs to learn to say no.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 13/12/2019 22:40

My DC are a lot older than baby and very easy to look after (give them a screen and some Cheerios) and I still wouldn’t ask my parents to babysit every weekend. My parents have a life, plans, friends, a social life!

lexiepuppy · 13/12/2019 22:45

Do you have children of your own?

Can Dsd’s mother babysit for Dgd?

Something is triggering you, my guess it could be peri menopausal reminding you that fertility is coming to an end?!

Also there is nothing like a baby to ruin your sex life if you are trying to become more intimate.

I would be straight with Dsd that it is all too much and you do not want to babysit each weekend.

Hopefully Dh will back you up.

Weenurse · 13/12/2019 22:48

She is asking for too much.
Sit with DH and work out a compromise of once a month or whatever you agree to.
Keep the family lunches.
Then spend the free time working on your relationship.
Share this plan with DSD over lunch.

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