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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this me? I think it might be

48 replies

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 22:04

I'm having a bit of a weird reaction to a change in family circumstances and I think I need some help to unpick why please. I have an adult DSD, been with her dad since she was 3 and always had a good, close relationship with her. She's recently had her first baby and is asking fairly regularly for us to babysit. All fine, except it's not. I can't explain why but I feel really negative about being asked, like it's a massive imposition even though rationally it really isn't. I actually feel angry when she asks and it's causing rows with DH because he can see I'm not keen.

In my defence (kind of) we are busy, DH works really long hours and weekends are precious. We are also working through some relationship issues and had been (prior to DGD's arrival) trying to prioritise time together. DH also has form for changing our plans with no discussion with or consideration for me and also for taking on too much because he doesn't like saying no (to everybody other than me at least).

So, his instinctive response when asked is 'yes', which I completely understand, she's his DGD and of course he wants to see her. But my gut reaction is the opposite, all I see is whatever plans we'd made going out the window, along with any progress with the problems between us and it just makes me so angry, and then ashamed because she's my (step)DGD too and I shouldn't be reacting like this to seeing her.

It's making me miserable, I feel like the bad guy (and I probably am) and I hate that. I think DH is a bit baffled, it's really not like me to react like this and he is (understandably) seeing it as a bit of a rejection of DGD. I don't know how to get past this, we argue pretty much every time DSD asks and seem to be coming from such opposite perspectives I honestly can't see where the middle ground is.

I need to work out why it's provoking such rage in me, I am perimenopausal so maybe that's part of it but it's just such a strong reaction and I can't seem to control it. I'm sure a big part of it is that I feel our issues are getting sidelined (again) but there's little I can do to change that so I need to find a way to change my reaction. Help

OP posts:

eaglejulesk · 13/12/2019 22:49

I think she is being unreasonable to expect you to babysit so often. You and your husband have a life and need time on your own. It really annoys me when parents look upon grandparents as nothing more than glorified child minders!

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2019 22:50

Is she coping? Every weekend is far too much

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 23:16

She says she is Quartz2208, they just seem to think this level of help/support is normal. Her DM and half-sister are also doing a similar amount but any concerns I've cautiously raised with either her or DH are dismissed and I'm made to feel judgmental for mentioning it.

OP posts:

Mydogmylife · 13/12/2019 23:28

I think you are deflecting your annoyance with your husband's flexibility re the babysitting ( seeing it as putting you into second place) to your stepdaughter. You're annoyed with him - own it and let him know why. I would be peeved as well, you are having a few relationship issues and this is getting in the way a bit.

TrainspottingWelsh · 13/12/2019 23:36

I have a dd and a dsd that is equally my child, and I'd feel exactly the same if either of them expected us to babysit every weekend.

Of course if they were genuinely struggling, or some other genuine reason, or if they spent the other 6&1/2 days in total isolation I would feel differently. But certainly wouldn't be giving up half my weekend every week 'just because'

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 13/12/2019 23:37

I do think I would mind being asked a whole lot less if things were on an even keel with DH, I think I'd still be a bit concerned by how much they leave her though. And yes, I am annoyed with DH, he can't see why though and I don't quite know where I go from there.

OP posts:

JarofHearts13 · 13/12/2019 23:42

That's too much to ask for, unless it's offered. DSD and her partner sound very self centred. My dad is great, always wants to help, probably a bit like your DH he very rarely says no. So I am very careful about what I ask for and make sure Im not asking too much because I know he'd give until he collapses. Your DSD should be considering the needs of your DH and you too, she's not. She is asking for to much. The problem is the dynamic, its DH that needs to say no to her and it sounds like he won't like it if you say no. Would DSD react well if you were prememtive? Maybe you could say we've got xyz booked this week but we're happy to have DGD next Friday/Saturday. Or something along the lines of, how about we book in a regular 2 nights a month we'll babysit for the evening so we can both plan our lives ahead and the 2 weekends a month we're not available for babysitting we'll have Sunday lunch. That way every weekend you've got at least 1 free day as a couple. Or could you approach it tell her you're concerned as her dad is getting too exhausted but would never say no, so maybe we could lock in regular night babysitting but less often.

Techway · 13/12/2019 23:57

Perhaps it feels that your DH is using babysitting as a way to avoid intimacy.

Is he much older than you

You may.need to put yourself first and recognise that you will not be able to change your DH. A relationship can get into push/pull and the cycle needs to be broken. Make your own plans for a weekend, take up a new hobby or see friends and it may change the dynamic.

Recognise that your anger/frustration is with your DH and that will help you to find solutions.

Jennifer2r · 14/12/2019 00:10

If you felt loved, valued and cherished by your husband I don't think any of this would matter to you.

Do you feel cherished?

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2019 00:11

Your DSD sounds quite young herself - perhaps some of the irrational anger is because after being a SM for many years and (I assume) always putting child-rearing and parenting responsibilities first, this time ought to be more focused on the relationship between your DP and you?

I would ask your DP to make it clear you can’t babysit every week, and you’ll be doing Sunday lunch once a fortnight now.

justilou1 · 14/12/2019 00:17

Actually, I think SD is probably taking the piss a bit with babysitting and needs to wrap her head around her new lifestyle and get used to the reality of being a parent.
Both sets of parents need to let her get used to it.
It is not the responsibility of GPs to babysit every single weekend just because parents are young. It is easy for divorced GPs to be played off against each other too, like a babysitting competiton. (And stepmothers vs bio-mums with guilt, etc...)
Meanwhile, as for you, your relationship issues seem to have been eclipsed by the arrival of DGD. (Babies have a habit of eclipsing things - it’s normal!) I kind of agree that maybe DH is still hiding behind the baby rather than addressing the issues you need to be working on. If one of them was going out and spending quality time spoiling you, and he’s ditching that in favour of babysitting without consulting you (especially if you have already made plans together), I think you need to start pushing back. Time to leave him to the babysitting and go out to the movies or arrange to meet a friend instead. You are well within your rights to be mad at him for not recognizing that your time is not his to volunteer. Your time is just as valuable as his and you get to choose what to do with it. I suspect you are sick of the same four walls.

Spacebowlisback · 14/12/2019 00:21

Did you ever want a child with your DH? Is it bringing back something you thought long resolved?

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 14/12/2019 01:01

No, nothing like that Spacebowlisback, I'm genuinely happy with my lot in that respect.

You are well within your rights to be mad at him for not recognizing that your time is not his to volunteer.

Yes justilou1, thank you! Our weekends have belonged to DSD for almost 20 years, Sunday dinner has evolved from EW contact when she was younger and if I'm honest I am at the stage where I expected it to be scaling down a little. I have suggested dropping it to EOW but both she and DH looked at me like I'd kicked them. But yes, it would be nice to feel I had some say over how I spend my weekend.

OP posts:

Porpoises · 14/12/2019 01:17

it would be nice to feel I had some say over how I spend my weekend

You do. You can't stop him seeing his daughter and granddaughter, but you don't have to always take part. You could go out sometimes at these times, the gym, read in a cafe, meet a friend. Start to feel in control of your life.

Original poster

GemmaGemmaGemma · 14/12/2019 01:51

I do take your point Porpoises, I obviously have some thinking to do. If nothing else this thread has made me feel a bit less of a bitch for not wanting my whole weekend to be about looking after other people, it's just a shame DH doesn't agree. He's fast asleep on the sofa again now, nothing has been resolved and I'm stuck on my own with everything going round in my head. Don't think I want to go on like this.

OP posts:

fuckingwhat · 14/12/2019 01:51

So your time is being monopolised against your will, no wonder you feel pissed off and angry. He can look after dgd if he wants to, you should go out. What's his plan going forward? That you babysit every weekend forever?

badg3r · 14/12/2019 02:01

It seems clear that the actually resentment is not having time of your own. That is completely understandable! Who is it who does all the cooking when Dsd and family come over? Tidying? Cleaning up after? If the Sunday lunch is monopolising your whole day every weekend then you are already down to one day a week for you. Can you suggest fixed babysitting times further in advance so that you know you will have times to yourself as well? I think also saying no a few times because you have things planned is ok, but your DH has to agree. Is the babysitting for while the parents are at work or socialising?

Interestedwoman · 14/12/2019 08:10

I'm not an expert, but a lot of grandparents help with childcare a fair bit throughout the week. A few hours at the weekend is nothing in comparison.

'made me feel a bit less of a bitch for not wanting my whole weekend to be about looking after other people'

It's not the whole weekend though, it's a few hours one of the evenings, then a couple of hours for Sunday lunch (when you would be eating for some of that time if you were on your own, anyway.)

You know full well that your attitude to this is not going to help your relationship with your DH- quite the opposite. I don't have the answers- am sorry you feel this way. xxxxx

Interestedwoman · 14/12/2019 08:14

Maybe if your DH made more of an effort the rest of the weekend (which is most of it) you wouldn't feel you were missing out on him as much for those few hours? It may be that so little effort is being put in that you feel you are missing out, and if it were being put in, you wouldn't. Think of what you want to happen, date night or a focused coupley night or whatever, or activities in the daytime for you as a couple, and ask him for that.

Aussiebean · 14/12/2019 09:21

I think you are focusing on the wrong person.

Your sd is asking and your dh is saying yes. You say this ha been the norm since she was 3.

Why are you suddenly angry with her for doing what she has always done? You haven’t talked to her about changing the dynamics. You seem to think she should just know.

On the other hand, your dh knows you are unhappy. Knows that you want to change the dynamics yet is happy to keep it the same.

Your anger should be aimed at him for disregarding your thoughts and feels. Not her because she is doing what she has always done and should somehow know it’s no longer the case.

Circumstances change. Thrash it out with your dh and go to your sd with what help you are willing or unwilling to give as a united front.

pictish · 14/12/2019 09:33

Yanbu. Every weekend seems a lot to me. I’m sure there are many families where this is normal but there will be more where it’s not. Most parents don’t have weekend babysitting on tap so it’s not like it’s something she should expect to get or your dh should feel obliged to provide.

However, the problem is convincing your husband of the same. He is being selfish and sidelining your wants and/or needs for leisure time and to pursue your own interests. I’d say cutting back to once or twice a month would be a good and fair compromise.

jinglebelldogs · 14/12/2019 10:37

My grandparents didn't look after me every weekend and my parents certainly don't look after mine each week! I have no intention of raising my children and then looking after theirs every week too. When I'm done raising my kids I want to see them and help out, but I won't be regular childcare. I want to travel and do other things.

Just because other grandparents do it every week doesn't make it some rule for grandparents everywhere!

justilou1 · 15/12/2019 01:30

Can I ask how old you are now, OP? I have a feeling you’ve been looking after other people since you were rather young and you are wanting to enjoy some YOU time before you’re in your dotage. Time to book yourself a spontaneous holiday/cruise. Don’t tell anyone and just piss off somewhere you’ve always dreamed of and let them see what life is like without you in it for a while.

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