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Original poster

Do these seem like red flags ?

33 replies

Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 21:40

I've been on 4 dates with a guy I met on Hinge. First 3 dates were in public places, 4th was at his.

I was telling him about some music concerts i'd been to and he seemed really shocked and said he 'couldn't imagine me' listening to that sort of music and was 'really surprised'. (rap and hip hop).

I'm also fairly introverted by nature but I am still sociable and chatty, and stand up for myself. I work in a school and he told me he 'couldn't imagine me' telling a child off or getting annoyed.

Just seemed like he's making all these assumptions about me which was a bit annoying.

We slept together and I noticed he kept 'forgetting' to use condoms. Fair enough when I was asking him to he did but he didn't do it himself unless I asked him (a few times).

Do these sound like red flags or am I just massively picky ? 😂

OP posts:
Cream5 · 13/12/2019 21:45

I think he may have put you on a pedestal as a 'perfect innocent little angel' - which of course you arent, nobody is.

The only bit that concerns me is his interest in you might dwindle when he realises you are just a normal girl with varied music tastes and the ability to scold!

Condoms... no men like them in my experience, but stick to your guns.

ncqtime · 13/12/2019 21:46

You say you stand up for yourself... If you're not happy about it why are you not saying something about the lack of condoms?

Original poster
Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 21:46

Yeah, it's weird how people can make assumptions about you like that. Yeah that's fair enough if guys don't like them, just found it a little dodgy that he was trying to not use them and hoping i'd not say anything, given that it was the very first time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 21:47

I told him at the time i'd prefer him to and he did so, not sure if a lot of guys do this or not ?

OP posts:
Perpetuallysingle · 13/12/2019 21:52

The condom thing would annoy me and make me a bit Hmm. Similar stage of dating here with new guy and he had them ready and initiated using them.

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2019 21:54

I’ve not had a guy be sneaky about condoms use , it would give me grave doubts.
I had an friend who was often “surprised” by my choices And it transpired that she meant she disapproved. Do you think his surprise is genuine.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/12/2019 21:54

IME most men will avoid condoms at all costs. It's like they know that STIs will have less of an affect on them than on women.

I'm assuming he's a rich, white male? That would explain his laughably blinded outlook. IMO if he can't acknowledge his privilege when explained then bin him off.

sugarplumtum · 13/12/2019 21:56

To sleep with a guy who doesn't want to use them so soon is a huge flag. He doesn't care about the risks and I wouldn't find that attractive.
Second he's decided you are a good girl easy to walk all over and he's acting shocked because your not fitting to what he imagined.
Back to the condoms, if you told him more than once I'm not sure you can say you stand up for yourself, he's pushing your boundaries so soon is unacceptable

Original poster
Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 21:56

Yeah, he invited me over, I wasn't meant to stay over but missed the last train and told him and he said, "What are you talking about ? You can stay here."
He spent a while rooting through his drawer to find them and when I kept asking him to use one he was saying, "oh shit yeah, sorry !"

OP posts:
Original poster
Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 21:58

Youre right I should have maybe had a word with him about that.
For the 2nd part he'd clearly decided based on my look and personality that I couldn't possibly listen to rap or hip hop. Not like i'd turned up with a copy of the Bible.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 13/12/2019 21:59

The sneaky condom behaviour would put me off. You shouldn't have to ask once, let alone "a few times". No condom, no sex. It's that simple. He wouldn't get a second chance.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 13/12/2019 21:59

No-one is that absent minded. Bin him off.

ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 13/12/2019 22:00

Not the first two, but the ‘forgetting’ to use condoms is a massive massive red flag. Any decent person (who isn’t blind drunk) asks their sexual partner before engaging in sexual the first time and doesn’t dick around if either party says yes to condoms. The assumption is that you will be using condoms unless you both explicitly agree otherwise ffs.

jayho · 13/12/2019 22:01

NEVER have sex with a new guy without condoms. Even if he/you don't like them, you should be able to get to a level of intimacy where you can both test and be safe.

To be honest, it sounds to me like he's pushing your boundaries particularly with comments etc, i'd dump tbh, does not come over well

AnyFucker · 13/12/2019 22:02

He "forgot" to use a condom ?

Yeah, right

katewhinesalot · 13/12/2019 22:03

I'd be having a jokey/serious conversation about my vices and his attitude to them. I'd be pulling him up about his misconceptions too in a semi joking way.
" why?, Does it put you off that I like xyz...? Tinkly laugh. Listen carefully to his answers.

Whyjustwhy23 · 13/12/2019 22:03

So many men try to get away with no condoms! But if they do that with everyone...

What do you mean by forgot? Like he started and then stopped and put one on?

He’s not respecting your wishes so I’d be a little cautious.

The other stuff wouldn’t worry me.

Original poster
Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 22:03

I think this is telling me all I need to know.
I don't think I shall be seeing him again. Maybe i'm a little sensitive but I hate being judged because i'm a little more reserved (i'm still chatty). I've had another guy tell me "you don't look like someone who goes clubbing." 🙄

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 13/12/2019 22:04

OP you seem more bothered about his judging what your taste in music is than him being keen to have unprotected sex with you. You asked him to use a condom and he ignored you so you had to ask again. He sounds like an arsehole and you sound a bit weak. It's important to protect yourself. Forget what he thinks of your taste in music. Bloody stand up for yourself and don't tolerate some guy who is so casual about unprotected sex. How many other women has he had unprotected sex with? You sleep with him, you're sleeping with all of them too.

Original poster
Pearlxox · 13/12/2019 22:06

That's true, it is grim that he was happy to do that the first time. Next time it will hopefully be someone who readily uses them the first time without me asking a few times.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 13/12/2019 22:10

He’s not respecting your choice to protect yourself and that to me would be a red flag you could see from space.

jayho · 13/12/2019 22:13

don't don't don't.
using protection is so much about respect as anything else
why would a man who potentially cares for you and wants to be intimate with you risk your health - or his own health ?

Rainbowshine · 13/12/2019 23:00

He’s saying to you that he expects you to fit into his perception of what he thinks you should be like to please him. That coupled with the issues with condoms = red flags everywhere! Run away now and never see him again.

Antibles · 13/12/2019 23:03

They are all red flags, yes.

Bjinafridge · 13/12/2019 23:46

how old are you both

sounds very immature